‘Hey. What are you up to?’
Big sigh… ‘Lying on the floor of my kitchen, eating mushrooms, and listening to “The Lion King” in French…’
‘…Ah-ha…because?’
‘I suppose I am contemplating life in all of this, but I’m not entirely sure how I ended up on the floor…’ sigh…
‘… Okay…’
…..
So, how is your afternoon going? 
Post-a-day 2020
I found myself going all sorts of places with negative thoughts the past few days, but then I realized and remembered something very important:
Even in the smallest of things, if people do not love and embrace and accept me for me, then those people are just not the people to be in my life.
Period.
And I am totally worth it.
It sucks when people don’t get that I am, and especially so when everyone except the people I want to get it get it…, but I am so worth it, I really needn’t worry… The love will come on its own, so long as I trust and allow myself to be true to who I am.
It keeps proving true, more and more so, every time I do it.
Inhale::::::: Exhale:::::::: Just Breathe, and be who I am… all will be well.
🙂
P.S. The bread thing happened again tonight… ::face palm
Post-a-day 2020
Have you ever had a strong physical reaction to food…?
I don’t mean like food poisoning or allergy, not at all.
I mean like… an arousing… reaction…
No?
Well, tonight, riding home through the cool, misty air, I passed underneath the train tracks, and hit the first wall of Sunbeam bread being freshly baked for the early morning send-off…
I inhaled deeply, sucking in the warm, glorious smell I always delight in crossing…
And I felt an instant, almost overpowering, reaction in my body… my muscles tensed, and an intense shiver, originating … well, yeah… below my belly, rose powerfully upward, through my belly, my spine, down my arms and spreading through the hair follicles on my entire body… in a sense, it was a moment of ecstasy…. It was deep and intense and thorough, though only for a few moments.
My whole body was suddenly tightly wound, and utterly warm, for just a moment…
As the shiver released through my body, its spread all-encompassing, it flowed out my finger tips and skull, and dissipated entirely, leaving only a questioning sense of ‘What the h*** just happened?’ in my mind…
I wasn’t opposed.
But I certainly was surprised.
I mean… wow.
Bread.
Not even… the scent of bread.
Just… wow.
So, that’s been on my mind since I arrived home tonight… haha 😛
Post-a-day 2020
The biggest mistake was sitting down.
If I hadn’t sat down in the first place, I wouldn’t be stuck here right now, battling mentally with what it will take to get me to get up, go put on some clothes, and finish my post-shower, pre-bed activities so that I can go to bed and sleep.
However, here I still sit, leaning against my bed, instead of in it, and just a towel wrapped around my hair… eyes drooping closed and slowly rising again to determine if I have made it into bed yet, only to be disappointed to the point of closing them once more… the cycle repeats.
Okay, fine, I’ll get up and finish things up… I just don’t have anything for tomorrow, though I have more than one thing I would love to do tomorrow (if only it weren’t all dependent upon another), so it is harder for me to want to go to sleep.:.
Well, perhaps I can develop something wonderful simply by waking earlier than needed, and taking the time to explore what I might like to do, and then do it…
We’ll see about that…, but it is enough to get me up, so, here I go…
P.S. I Really want to go somewhere next week – no school, no work, no events… let’s either get a cheap plane fair somewhere or drive somewhere, a state or national park, perhaps(!)… ye-he-hess (Mr. Burns style, fingers and all).
Approximately 8:30pm, I pull up on the Vespa to a stoplight, a Chevy truck in the left turn lane next to me.
We both see one another.
“Nice ride,” he says to me.
I laugh, lift my visor, and say, “Thanks,” enjoying the irony.
“What’s you’re name?”
“Huh?” He repeats, and I reply, “Hannah.”
“Alex. Nice to meet you.”
I smile, and, after a brief pause, add, “We have very different rides,” wondering how exactly my little scooter is so impressive to this truck guy.
“Yeah,” he agrees, and then adds, “Can I have your number?”
I give him a large grin, the light changing green, and I lower my visor, shaking my head while I drive away, chuckling to myself and smiling super big in my helmet.
THAT was adorable, I think.
I smile the whole way to where I am going, thinking of how funny it is, and wondering if it would be weird to tell the guy I’ve just asked out, even though it is funny and worth sharing.
By the time I walked in, this guy – not “Alex” – was pretty much the only thing on my mind, and I had entirely forgotten about the stoplight incident – I didn’t even remember to tell my mom about it.
… I still haven’t told anyone about it… I’m so weird about dating.
Unsure of how things were left after my date today, I expressed my bit of stress and frustration to a good friend of mine, and the tiny conversation made me feel a lot better, though it changed nothing:
Hannah: Uh! This is so stressful. Why do people date? I can’t take it. I can’t stop thinking about him, yet I feel like he’s just not really into me. Ugh!
Friend: Yea when you said “dating sounds fun” I was like well…. haha
Hannah: It SOUDS fun
Like how communism sounds fair
Haha
Friend: Liked the message, “Like how communism sounds fair”
So, yeah… I don’t think I offended him or anything, but I think I just wanted to spend so much more time with him one-on-one than I was given, and we didn’t clearly ‘end’ the date, because it just flowed into the next part of the day, with other people slowly showing up and around, and then I got all into my head about it for quite a while, and rather negatively so…
I got over it after a while, but it sucked for a good bit today, the craziness in my head and my extreme self-doubt.
It had me wonder if it wouldn’t be good for me to go out with people just to practice being denied and still being okay with it and with myself, like how I applied for the artist residency the other week, 90% sure it would not happen… practice in failure, so to speak, in order to help me release my fear of failure.
So, basically, maybe it could be good to ask out a bunch of super cute guys, give it my all, and be okay with the high likelihood of rejection, and then, eventually, with the actual rejection.
I don’t know… it’s perhaps just a thought, not a good or great idea…
Whatever the case, I liked being with this guy today, and I wish we could have more time together.
And as soon as possible, of course, because I struggle with this whole delayed gratification in this kind of scenario… oh, well… deal with it, Banana, right?
Right:
On that, I bid you a good night. 😉
Post-a-day 2020
It’s funny how the biggest and smallest of things can all tie back to the tiniest of events.
For example, tomorrow, I have an interview for a job that, temporary as it will be, will require me to wear the traditional business attire for about three months straight, at least five days a week.
I don’t own enough variety for that… I don’t even own enough pants to make it through a week of that.
That has never been my style of job or workplace.
But, because of this crazy series of connections, it seems to be my projected future these next three-ish months.
And that business clothing situation is caused by my connection to Japan via the program in which I participated while living there… a time that was invaluable in my life and that helped me develop more into the person I wanted to be than I ever really expected was possible…
And the whole reason I got to have that transformative experience was because of a simple phone call I had with an old professor of mine a few years back, in which she asked me a question, and then I broke down crying, and then she asked me another question…
And that came about because, despite my intention of applying to ten different colleges and universities, I read the letter from the president of the one college, and knew instantly that that was where I was going to school, and so I applied to nowhere else (risky, I know, but I was clear).
And the whole reason I studied so much French when I got there was because I didn’t want to lose what I had worked so hard to learn in high school…
And the whole reason I studied French in high school was because it had a cooler accent than spoken Latin would have…
And I can go back further, even, but I’ll leave it for now…
So, I am about to have a really neat yet temporary job that requires a bunch of work clothes I don’t have, and I had the greatest breakthrough in my life, all because French has a cooler accent than Latin…
Essentially, I find it funny, as shown in this example, that the smallest of things can lead us to the biggest or smallest of things in life… you never know what will take you where…
It has me wonder now, what my activities and choices today will create for my future self… can I take on a better attitude now that will prove exponentially better for me in the future, perhaps?
(I ask this question because I have found myself being quite negative as of late, and I am not enjoying it, nor am I liking it.)
Let’s consider that tonight, and see what my dreams bring me by morning…
Goodnight, Dear World… hasta mañana. 😉
P.S. I heard someone singing in rehearsal for a new musical today, and my heart went all melty – I swear, my heart belongs to his voice always and forever(!)… also, go see the show, if you can.
Post-a-day 2020
Well, happy birthday to me, from irony!!
https://manager.everbridge.net/pub/426477367683055
Don’t drink your water, folks. 😛
Post-a-day 2020
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, they always said.
This morning at breakfast, I was very bummed when I asked if my food could possibly be heated, since it was served cold (and just tasted terrible cold), and I was informed first that it could be, but then told that the plate was being re-made… so wasteful…
When it was re-served only slightly warm and significantly worse made, I didn’t dare say anything about it, and instead just wrapped it up to take home for one of us to eat later, after we could warm it ourselves.
Tonight, we had some king cake after dinner, and it was far too dry for me to be interested in eating it beyond a couple bites or so.
But no one wanted to take it home to finish, and none of us had anyone at home with whom to share it anyway.
So, I was curious when I crossed a kind-looking man on a street corner during my drive home.
I rolled down my window, called out, asking him if he wanted some cake, and was delighted to see his face light up, and to hear him answer with a genuine and surprised, emphatic, “Yes!”
I handed him the box of a more than 3/4 king cake, and wished him well as he thanked me.
It made me want to go back and spend some time with the man, and I even felt bad that I didn’t give him water to go with the cake.
(I mean, it isn’t painfully dry or anything – I just really only like king cake when it is super moist on the inside.)
I considered bringing him water, actually, but then saw the absurdity of it, and left it for now… I don’t exactly have the money to be driving back and forth, anyway.
I also found myself thinking about the safety level of going and spending time with him – I often want to do this with people, homeless people typically, but have learned not so nicely that there are often chemical imbalances that can provide an unsafe environment for me if I were to go spend time with the homeless people around town… not always, but often enough to make me reconsider most of the time…, which kind of bums me out… also, I’m afraid of being stuck with really bad smells, which then sends me into a whole ‘nother level of looking for what I could do to help, and then having to manage keeping myself safe…
Anyway, the whole thing reminded me of how one of the most valuable things we have to offer in life is our attention.
People always say “time”, but I think they really mean “attention”.
I can give you an hour my time, but never once pay attention to you, versus give you ten minutes of full attention, and I think the latter will win every time for being the most appreciated.
Sure, things like laying bricks would prefer the former, but when it comes to people-to-people interactions, it is or attention that we all most desire and most need… it is through our conscious attention that we share the most love with others, not just our showing up.
Like someone said after a dance thing the other weekend – he noticed that I kept to myself and didn’t really talk with many people, but that I took genuine interest, asked real questions, and waited for real answers whenever I talked with him… I spent a lot of time on the room, making little impact on anyone, but ten minutes of talking with him directly had a huge impact on him.
I’ve kind of gone off the initial idea here, but I guess that’s how ideas work, anyway, always linking us to different connections, one after another, always and forever…
Which makes me think of brain storming… what a storm it is… debris flying every which way, leaving it difficult to find the origins of certain things, they fly so fast at times, and cross so many turns and twists in the system of the brain, in the storm…
I guess the biggest difference between a brain’s storming and nature’s storming is that the former usually gives us solutions, and the latter often gives us problems… haha… that’s funny… I’m going to continue thinking on brain storming…
Post-a-day 2020
We met a lovely and true-to-form German man at the opera the other night. He was so practical, 6’7″, very kind, and totally straightforward. He was very docile and calm, but he was definitely German to the core, and in the most delightful of ways for us – it felt like interacting with family, despite the obvious distance between us.
He asked me at one point what I had studied while in Europe – my mom had mentioned my having studied in Wien and Germany. I replied, “Language and Culture.”
He considered it, gave a small smile, and replied, “Language and culture… It sounds like everything and nothing.”
I considered his words, and chuckled heartily. It was, indeed, true.
Conversation went to a bit of something else, and then returned to my studies and what “language and culture” meant. “Grammar, history, arts, religion, social change, music, poetry, writing, dialects, politics…,” I listed easily, trailing off slightly by the end, all of us understanding that there obviously were many more I could list.
“So, it sounds like you are qualified for just about everything, then,” declared honestly the German.
I smiled. “Everything and nothing…” And we all smiled, gave a bit of a chuckle, and felt the irony of it together, to varying degrees.
I understood the turn of phrase best of all, having experienced most acutely the struggles of the truth of this joint statement of ours… I am qualified for just about everything, then,… everything and nothing…
Thus, the question remains: What, of all of that everything and nothing, do I choose to pursue right now, for now?
I think my recent thoughts have been accurate: I need some more art in my life – self-made art. 🙂
So, let’s art… for now… and let’s be comfortable and secure in the fact that it is okay to have this be for now, and to have something else, something presently unknown, be the what’s next… Yes, indeed.
Everything and nothing, my dear… you can do it, Banana. 🙂
Post-a-day 2020
I had several things on my list for ‘want to accomplish’ today.
The first half happened beautifully.
The second half were avoided beautifully.
Instead of doing laundry and folding clothes, I rearranged a bit of furniture how I had been contemplating doing for a while now, and then I cleaned up piles of papers and such that I had had around the floor in my room.
And I organized all my paperwork and labeled it to bring to my CPA.*
It was a huge positive move, but definitely not on the list for today. 😛
I also, instead of working on the photos – I moved them to tomorrow, when I’ll be somewhere with Internet already, using my computer, and can stay a while – today, I expanded immensely the efforts I had intended to make with my Italian studies.
Until just a few minutes ago, I was working on the Italian, which was possibly the fourth time today… I even did detail work on it… and that’s saying something.
I also, instead of hopping to it on those aforementioned tasks, I got myself out of the house, down to our main park in town, and I walked.
For hours.
I even ran into a friend, and I joined her and her friend (and the friend’s daughter) for another hour plus, which started right about when I had been considering heading home.
(Suffice it to say that I walked a lot today, and it was great.)
(And I rode the park train twice… and that was lovely(!).)
All in all, I had a great day.
I even listened to a couple hours of my audiobook while cooking/eating and then walking at the park.
So much accomplished today… it feels good going to bed now, exhausted from a reason other than illness.
Not typically my style, but I would like for it to become my style.
Last week was a good start, and this week was even better… let’s keep this Sunday outdoor social activity + self-improvement stuff up, Banana. 😉
*Not that I’m bourgeais (bourgey?) or anything – I hardly have money to survive in this society at the moment; I just used to work for her, and so we have a sort of arrangement for my taxes to be handled.
Post-a-day 2020
hannah ananas 