hannah.ananas

‘Tis but a flesh wound

… but. goodness, does it hurt!

And this was after I had poured water on them to clean the dirt and rocks and excess blood off. And my right hand was even worse, but it was balancing the phone for the photo.

I’ll share more about the adventure tomorrow, but, for now, I have very limited use of my opposable thumbs, so typing on my phone is extremely difficult. Also, I have to be up before six tomorrow morning, and things have been significantly slowed getting ready for bed tonight because of the fall. Hasta tomorrow!

Post-a-day 2020

Squirrels on the loose

My mom asked me this week if I have been noticing more squirrels than usual lately. Whenever she is out somewhere, usually driving, she feels like she has been seeing loads more squirrels than usual. At first, I was thinking about mating seasons, and wondering whether we were at a time of year where there just happen to be lots of recently-added squirrels in the mix.

But then something else occurred to me… and then she said that something else. “I just wonder if, because everyone had been staying home and not going anywhere for a while,“ she began.

And I finished, barely able to restrain my laugh before finishing, “No one was out driving to run them over??”

We both laughed. But we both considered the idea as a genuine possibility. Lost of things were affected this summer by people’s not going into offices and work anywhere near the typical amount…, perhaps this was just another of those effects.

And perhaps not, but the idea is a lot more fun to consider that the poor squirrels this summer actually had a chance for once. Kind of like the air, you know?

I still laugh when I think about her specifically bringing it up to me to ask my thoughts on the matter, as though it were something of significance in our lives. Just in the squirrels’, I suppose, but we both totally loved considering it, nonetheless.

Post-a-day 2020

Smash of a day

Well, today was interesting. Not because of what I did, but how I felt about what I did, both while doing it and now, at the end of the day.

You see, I woke up around six this morning, and discovered after a bit that I definitely wasn’t going back to sleep. There had been a Romeo & Juliet film I’d been interested in seeing, but had determined not to watch last night. So, I pulled it up and started it. After the marriage, though, when the scene began that was basically guaranteed to end with Romeo’s cousin dying – T was a jerk, in my opinion, so I never seemed to mind so much about him – I was done. It was cute, but I was over the production, and not interested in watching the rest of the sad story in such an un-intriguing presentation.

Scrolling through quickly to find something else to keep me company as I prepared possibly to fall back asleep after a while, I came across the show Smash. I’ve seen the preview for it every time I’ve watched the Burlesque dvd (the one with Christina Aguilera), and have been longing to watch the show ever since that first time. It’s a story all about these people in NYC creating a musical focused around Marylin Monroe.

Suffice it to say that I was sucked in. AND there have been several surprised members of the cast, whom I know from other films or stage productions (e.g. Jack Davenport [Commodore Norrington] and Leslie Odom, Jr. [Aaron Burr, sir]). That has been amazing, along with the show itself being well written and well directed and produced, and the songs and voices are fabulous. I’m a huge fan of this show. And, in case you didn’t know, I’m not a huge fan of almost any shows.

So, I watched this show four about four hours this morning, at which point I joined my mom in her vehicle – mine is having its tires replaced – and dropped her off at work, before going to Costco. There, I loaded up on groceries – I know, but it’s actually fabulous for groceries – and then got myself a slice of pepperoni pizza to celebrate a belated pepperoni pizza day from this week, as well as a hot dog, which came with a free fountain drink. So, I got some ice and a bit of Sierra Mist, and then filled the rest of the cup with Pepsi (not many options, really).

After I unloaded the groceries from the cart into the car, I sat in the car and dove in… and that pizza and hot dog and soda were one of the most satisfying meals I have had in quite a while. As my mom said, it was an “opioid survival mechanism”, and I knew it, but I didn’t mind it at all. I’ve been managing my calories lately, for positive health purposes (of course! I’ve actually had a really beautiful development in everything with my food lately, and I’ve been excited to be taking such better care of myself… anyway…), and I was starting to feel that I’d been just a bit lower on my intake than I wanted to be the past couple or few days, so I understood completely my sudden cravings for high-calorie, meat-packed food.

Two meals and about 1500 calories later, I was utterly satisfied, and times two.

I then got my mom’s car back to her and got back home, whereupon I continued watching Smash, eventually ate a banana and sipped some orange juice to take my evening supplements, showered, and then went right back to the show. Finally, when an episode ended just after midnight, and on a high note for me, I closed it up fo rate night. I have to be awake and functioning too early tomorrow to be staying up any later.

So, it may seem that the only “good” part of my day was the grocery shopping. However, I truly think and believe that my entire day today was really great. Well, my actions today. Falling down the stairs was totally not cool, but I’m grateful I was turned just enough to land exactly on the meaty part of my left rear cheek – it hurt, and a lot, but it was the most forgiving spot the stair could have picked to make first contact with my body (before sliding me down a ways). Anyway, this show-watching and pizza- and hotdog-eating day of mine was actually really great for me. I’ve been actively working on myself in a lot of ways, several of which are rather newer approaches and such… and it hasn’t been easy. And today was possibly the first time that I was genuinely okay not to do…. loads of stuff… not to be super productive. It might have been the first time that I allowed myself to take it delightfully easy physically and mentally for the day, and I didn’t stress about it. I didn’t even listen to an audiobook today, though I had several chances. I was glad for it. And I was grateful for it.

And I still am. 🙂

P.S. I especially enjoyed the part where one character is talking about how he staked out all night to get tickets to see RENT on Broadway in 1996, and he is saying it to Leslie Odom, Jr.’s character. For those who don’t understand why this is particularly silly or ironic and enjoyable, Leslie Odom, Jr. joined that production in 1998. Fun fact. 😀

Post-a-day 2020

Back and forth and round and round

Have you ever checked your subconscious for its opinions on things?

My mom introduced me to pendulums years and years ago, and I’ve even had my own for many years now. However, I have very rarely used it in the past. I thought they were spectacular, and, of course, I wanted one. But I think I didn’t really have anything on which I wanted to use it after the initial excitement and enrollment into it. And, over time, it became a passive piece of knowledge: Oh, yes, that is my pendulum. And the thought ended there, no longer calling up the possible practical applications of seen pendulum.

The other day, though – okay, a week ago, now – a friend of mine mentioned a method for discovering and altering our subconscious opinions of things. He relayed loads of details on research behind it and all, but I have found that the best test of such things is just to test it out. No matter what anyone else says, either it works for me or it doesn’t, and I won’t know until I do it.

So, I did it.

And I took on a rather intense idea, one that has lately been at the core and the surface of my life in many ways: I am absolutely worth every bit of all of this effort. There has been a lot of crying and stress for me in recent years and recent months, and each bit has been part of my becoming more myself out of all of it. But that has, of course, not been an easy task. And I have felt that I am needing to convince someone, anyway, that it is all worth the effort. All of these struggles in pursuit of my best self are worth it, right? Yes, of course.

And yet…

So, I asked the pendulum for yes and no and neutral. Then I stated, “I am absolutely worth every bit of all of this effort.” And, without a doubt, it gave me a resounding no.

I actually laughed. I felt relieved, really. So much internal struggle over this exact concept was not for naught. I genuinely was struggling to believe it myself (according to this practice, on a subconscious level), which, in a way, made every stride forward that much more difficult to take.

And so, following the steps of this method for transforming the subconscious opinion, I asked if it was okay and safe and acceptable to change this opinion right now: yes. And then I went to task, meditating in a certain way and being withheld and inviting in anything and everything that might come up as I repeated the statement over and over again, until I felt a shift within myself.

“When it happens, you’ll know,” he told me.

And I did.

And I discovered that it was so much more than I had ever considered. This idea wasn’t just about me and my actions and efforts – it was about everyone around me and their efforts and struggles, too. I believed somewhat that I was worth my own time and effort, but I couldn’t possibly have been worth everyone else’s… and yet…

As I worked through being with every comment and idea and issue and experience and emotion that arose in my repetitions of the statement, I ended up with two shifts. One, quickly, was around myself, and the other, after a much longer time, was about the whole world. And then, after I opened my eyes and rejoined the world around me, I asked the pendulum again.

“I am absolutely worth every bit of all of this effort,” I said with confidence and conviction I had never even considered associating with such a concept.

And it was a resounding yes from the pendulum.

From myself.

And that was really, really cool.

And slightly terrifying, when I considered how powerful this tiny activity was and would be, should I choose to use it going forward with things.

Tonight, one week later, after seeing the very clear results of that one transformation of my opinion on one idea, I sat down with my list of things about my book writing and the mental struggles I have had with getting myself actually to sit down and do it. Part of me was terrified I’d discover that I already believed them all to be true, yet still wasn’t writing. And part of me was terrified to discover that I didn’t actually have faith in myself, this the not writing. But I knew it would be only beneficial to look into it all, and unhelpful not to do so. So, I did it.

And it was amazing to see how things aligned with my actions so perfectly. I do believe that I am a great writer, despite any lack of credentials or ‘the right education background’ or whatever. I can write extremely well, when I want to do so, and I happen to be rather good at story-telling, which transitions easily into writing. That’s part of why I’ve stuck with it over the years, and I’ve kept coming back to books over and over again, despite my failures to make a book. But there were other bits that didn’t quite align with what I wanted, and instead aligned with my lack of sitting down to write those desired books. And I went to work on those, following the simple yet intense steps. In the end, my whole being felt light and excited, and every statement was a solid yes from the pendulum.

It was awesome. And slightly terrifying, too…, but in a good way, and mostly awesome. 😀

Now that those are transformed in my head, we shall see what happens in the very near future. ;). I am quite curious to find out.

Post-a-day 2020

Stuffed Love

Which is very unlike a stuffed shirt, by the way… 😛

Tonight, I snuggled up with several feather pillows and my extra-large white bear that was given to me by my paternal grandparents when I was probably only single-digits years old, and watched Frozen, while sitting (or lying) on my bed. And it was delightful. I don’t know why people let go of stuffed animals and piles of pillows in their adulthood. Even in college, I had several stuffed animals with me at school.

The year I lived in an apartment with a friend of mine (still campus housing, but an apartment, nonetheless), we had full sized beds as part of the furnishings. A different friend was staying the night, and, as we were getting into bed to go to sleep, she thought it was hilarious yet adorably wonderful that I had stuffed animals in my bed, their having clearly been my nighttime snuggle buddies so far that year. She, delighted, declared it like “a jungle!”, and snapped a photo of me snuggling in with the animals. Of course, I made total room for her in the bed, and it wasn’t crowded for us or anything. But, when I didn’t have physical company in my bed, I preferred having stuffed company to being on my own with the sheets.

To this day, I like to feel that something is around me when I sleep. When I get to sleep in a bed with a person, some small piece of me has to touch that person, in order for me to sleep fully at ease. When there isn’t a person, I just like having contact with something presence-marking. These days, that typically means a stuffed dog strewn across my thighs, and my arms casually relaxed across my rib cage, creating just enough pressure for comfort and subconscious reassurance… Perhaps it was because I grew up with siblings always around, older than I, and so I always wanted to sleep in their beds with them…, because they were my older siblings and I loved them and looked up to them. And then, when they weren’t around, I ended up sharing the bed with my mom or my dad, depending on in whose house I was staying that night. (Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to stay in my dad’s bed, because of the divorce stuff, but, with my active history of terrible nightmares as a child, I voluntarily would creep down to his bedroom and sneak onto the side of the California king. Sometimes he noticed before morning, but I made enough of a fuss about not wanting to be alone upstairs, and he was half asleep, anyway, so he let it go. Naturally, my mom was annoyed at this, so I kind of just stopped telling her about it. It wasn’t even an every night thing, either, but, when I needed it, I needed it, you know? And then it was just habit and comforting, even when I didn’t need it anymore.)

By the time it really didn’t bother me so much to sleep on my own, and the nightmares had mostly subsided, my sisters moved into my dad’s house. And, just as part of spending time together, I ended up often sleeping in the one sister’s bed, and then always sleeping in the other’s, once she moved in, too. We always had a habit of talking after the lights were out, kind of just chatting about anything or nothing – whatever we wanted or needed that night. It wasn’t usually for very long – maybe five or ten minutes at most – but it was always something I loved, and something I didn’t want to miss out on having by sleeping elsewhere. There were even the occasions where we all three shared a bed together… those were really great memories for me. I was literally surrounded by love for me.

…

Perhaps that’s really why I want stuffed animals in my bed, or pillows, or the touch of someone…, because that is one of the strongest memories I have of being loved and wanted and appreciated and cared for… surrounded by love as I went to sleep at night.

Ha… I’m noticing now how, even at dance events, when we occasionally have crammed three grown people into a queen sized bed, I’ve been totally okay and comfortable with it, and even delighted about it. The physical presence represents so strongly for me the experience of love, of being loved. I guess that all goes back to growing as a baby in the womb, huh? We turn to the fetal position in times of extreme need for love and help… that feeling of being held all around by a safe, loving, omnipotent source of life. So…, yeah… I’m beginning to think that stuffed animals are more than okay and acceptable – they’re actually a really good idea. They can help to provide the comfort that we can’t seem to provide on our own, when no one else is physically – or emotionally – around us…

Yeah…

Post-a-day 2020

Surprise, again

It still takes me by surprise when people display extreme appreciation or love for me (outside of my family, anyway).

I’m working on that.

But I am grateful that I am now at the point of noticing this reaction, such that I can begin to accept the appreciation and love without restraint, thereby helping myself believe that the whole reason that person loves and appreciates me so is because he or she experienced who I truly am…, and it is no wonder that person loves and appreciates me…, because that person really is amazing. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Tonight

I’m not sure what to share tonight. I’m sitting in bed, propped up poorly by a couple – actually, it’s three – pillows, my lower back aching something wicked for the third or fifth day in a row. I mean, it’s loads better than it was a couple days ago, but it is still very uncomfortable, and I’m concerned I’ll have trouble sleeping again. It’s kind of funny, the irony of physical aches and pains. Oftentimes, what we need most in such situations, is rest. Yet, the pain is such that we have a hard time resting or sleeping. So, we don’t really end up recuperating very well or very quickly.

I started working on a song just a bit ago, because a friend asked – well, not technically, but I know he intended to make the request – me to create something I found beautiful. He said that there doesn’t seem to be enough of that in the world right now. So, I’m working on a song of things I find beautiful in life. I kind of hated it for a while, but I evaluated why I kind of hated it, saw that it was because I was trying to make it something that wasn’t true to who I really am and how I really feel about the matter, and switched into the proper gear for myself. I think it is going to turn out spectacular now. I’m even excited about it for myself, and not just for the friend to enjoy it. 😀

Anyway, I’m wiped, so I’m going to aim for intense, helpful, healing, deep, long sleep tonight, with a wake-up that is completely ready to take on the stormy day tomorrow. 😀

Post-a-day 2020

Talk about confidence

Why do I end up in many scenarios where I feel so unnoticed that I feel I do not belong, so in the background that I feel unloved, unworthy, unwanted?

I think a big part of it is that I purposely hold myself back. If I stay neutral, in the background, people will have the time to grow accustomed to my presences, however meager it may be, before they have a chance to know me for who I actually am. Thereby decreasing the likelihood of rejection when they face me, the unlike-anyone-I’ve-ever-known powerhouse of a person. A person we never would expect to find hiding uncomfortably in the background. Yet, there I cower oh, so often.

It’s like how I cowered at my gym, feeling I didn’t really belong, because I wasn’t monetarily wealthy or super fit or super strong. Yet, one night, I attended the class of people who weren’t exactly in those categories (bough most of the gym was in one or both), and I saw how I was just…, well, myself. I was talking freely and comfortably, and we were all smiling and laughing and having a really great casual time together… like we all belonged and we all wanted everyone there to be there, exactly as they were. At the time, noticing this helped me learn to talk to ‘the cool guys’ more comfortably and confidently, including the guy on whom I had an undeniable an unrealistic crush. It helped me to remember to treat them like people, not unreachable people. And then the world closed up business shop, and I haven’t seen any of them since. And the gym is now closed permanently, and I’m not sure I’ll ever see them all again, and definitely not all together again.

Now, I find myself looking deeper into that whole experience. It wasn’t that I had a crush on the one guy, nor that I felt I wasn’t supposed to talk o them because I wasn’t strong enough or rich enough. It was because I saw them in a position of power over me, and I saw myself as below and indebted to them. I could not talk truly with them, because it would have been interesting the master’s business, and I would have been possibly beaten and then dismissed from my post. Talk about ridiculous, right? But that’s how it was for me. That’s how it is for me in so many situations in life.

Here, I will help someone and genuinely expect nothing more than some expression of gratitude in return, yet I expect that, in order for anyone to help me, I would have to be indebted to that person for all time, always below a new master, to serve his every whim and demand. In jobs, I submit to the people in charge the same way, like I am an unworthy worm (thinking Hercules quote here) that they might crush at any moment if I do not do exactly as they wish – if they find out who I truly am.

But who am I truly?

I am a child and beautiful creation of God, who loves dearly and with all her being; who wants to do the best job possible, because she cares truly about the results and outcome of her labors; who wants to make the world a better place with every step she takes; who sacrifices with ease, when another is to benefit; who can get any job done, and done quite well; who is honest; who is an inspiration to almost anyone who really gets to know her for real; who blows me away so much that I struggle to believe I really am she, being this amazing and wonderful and awe-inspiring, especially in the midst of each of my life’s struggles… I am a person worth having around, no matter who you are or what you believe. I can make it happen, whatever it is.

And, somehow, I force myself to forget that, and to put myself beneath others, as though I am not even worth a second glance, let alone love and praise and friendship and reliance.

Okay

I am working on this now. I am worth so much more Han hiding in the background, even if I am at the mercy of someone’s whims as to whether I get or keep a job. I can always find another – I know that now. And the universe will help me, if I am being my true self. And it will send me to better and better places every step of the way forward…, because those are the places I belong, where I get to be myself. And nowhere else.

Perhaps that is why I have felt so out of place so often… perhaps I am out of place, and something better awaits my noticing.

Post-a-day 2020

Room servicing…?

I started really taking on making my room functional lately. Just yesterday, I had a massive reorganization take place, in which everything went to what looked like – and was – total chaos for a while, during which time I sweat boatloads while shoving and shifting and shoving and shifting some more…, and then everything kind of found a place out of the way, leaving so much open space that I love hanging out in my room now. A lot of stuff is not in a real, semi-permanent place yet, but the big stuff has found its locations, I think.

My bed has only moved a few inches, but boy did that totally shift things in my sleep last night! I think I have resolved the issue of the air blowing directly over my mouth (and thereby practically choking me in my sleep with dryness), which was the main issue. So, I expect to sleep loads better tonight than last night. Perhaps, when I wake up, I’ll even be in the mood for making myself some tea.* 🙂 That’d be great. 🙂

*For those who do not know, I tend to make tea for myself when the world just feels right, and I feel at great ease in the space around me. So, it would be a sign that things are going very well with my room organization, and that I slept well and have woken up refreshed and ready for the day fully.

P.S. Okay, all that stuff about tea is true…, but I also will make tea when it is super cold out… but that still falls into the same reasoning, because life just kind of feels right when it is really cold outdoors. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Apps

I suppose most people organize their phone applications based on frequency of use or date of download. I organize mine partly by frequency of use, but mostly just by color.

I have my main screen, which is the functionality necessities. Those icons, of course, are arranged by color. Then, on my second screen, and every other screen, I have the application icons all arranged by color within each screen. Even the first page of a group/folder on a screen matches up with the icons around it. Every so often, I rearrange the icons, because the app developers decide to rebrand a bit and change their icon and its color.

I enjoy the satisfaction it offers the eyes upon viewing, and also the fun letter combinations that turn out from the apps that have their first letter showing. Until today, I had a line that read “FOWW”, and it almost always made me smile. But I rearranged today, and it has changed to “FOLr” and “W–W” on separate lines. Oddly enough, I have three apps, and on the same page, that read “W”. Fun, huh?

Now, do tell me, can you possibly take me seriously after this? 😛

Post-a-day 2020