Tag: dreams

Hard decisions

Just because it’s a good option doesn’t mean it’s the right option. There can be a multitude of good options available to us. But they aren’t all the best for each one of us. They are all different just as we are all different.

And, even if someone else may think this good option is the best option, it doesn’t mean that it really is the best option for me.

And, just because I can see that this one really is a really great option, it doesn’t mean that I have to pick this option. I am allowed to choose freely, of my own accord. When I know exactly what I want, I can wait for that, create that. I do not have to select or accept something else, simply because it is the best I’ve found so far, the closest I’ve found to what I actually want. Because it, ultimately, isn’t what I actually want.

Even if it is a really good option.

I don’t just want the best so far. I want the best.

If I’m going to put so much effort into something, I want it to be for the perfect option, the one I truly want, and never anything but that one.

Post-a-day 2021

Double down

What if the work I really want to do really does involve spending hours a day in front of a computer screen?

Hmm…

I just don’t see it. Part of the day? Sure. Hours every day? Nope.

But I can still see it as a possibility, my having a semi-desk job, in one of those hipster-y-yet-not ways, of course.

I am thinking this all, because I have been looking to see what lights me up whenever I cross it as an opportunity. And this nerdy language stuff and language software really has me booming like firework finales on repeat.

And I mean lighting up the whole night sky kind of bright, here…

Duolingo, I might be coming for you in the near future. I don’t have the credentials for it yet, but it is all too likely that I will be figuring them out and getting the necessary ones soon… You are forewarned. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

Man, oh, man…

Do you ever have a sudden 180, and go from feeling proud and confident and comfortable to feeling absolutely undeserving and unworthy?

One of my best friends connected me with someone last year. We got along well, but he wasn’t about being not in the same location. Okay, fine. My friend and I both were surprised by that, but it is what it is, and he wasn’t open to options.

Nonetheless, my friend encouraged the connection, and the guy and I stayed in contact, and I even went so far as to have him be a sort of fitness buddy, with whom I discussed this and that around our similar workout regimens. It was cool and fun.

So, we finally meet in person, at my friend’s wedding. And we get on really well. And I feel great about myself and confident and comfortable. And it’s an amazing time.

Even after the wedding, I am still in that space and the guy and I are still getting along.

Then, my friend wants to know what I thought after meeting the guy in person. I share. We discuss. It is silly, yet fun. She then speaks to one of the major drawbacks I had crossed with the guy. And with that information, she unknowingly blows my mind.

Yes, that drawback is still the same drawback. But now, this guy is more attractive than ever…

To the point that I, confident and comfortable I, feel as though I am not on the right level for him, that I am not worthy of him.

And then begins the positive feedback cycle, swirling ever downward… he doesn’t like me, and no wonder: I’m not good enough. I’m a failure in so many ways already, and, now, because of them, I’m a failure with this, too… And so it continues.

I have listened to my responses, and I have let them go each time. I have felt the physical reaction to such an emotion, and I have allowed it to be just what it is. And I have looked inside to see what had me lose my value as a person, simply because of money (because that’s what it was really about).

I’m not all the way there yet. But I am improving. I was in a significantly worse space only hours ago, than I am now. I don’t feel great about it all – not at all. But I am feeling less and less crap and anger, which is a beautiful sign so far.

Now, to sleep through the night and see what steps I will take tomorrow. Those steps will be toward clearing up this struggle for myself. I feel inadequate, because I know I can do better than I have done, but I let something stop me, somewhere along the line. So, let’s figure out who or what it was, and get past it already.

Post-a-day 2021

Really?

So, there’s a chance that I actually want to write something along the lines did romance novels… erotica…., but with really good stories that have really good sexual interactions/thoughts dispersed throughout them… like real life. It isn’t all about the sex; it’s about the life. And the sex just gets it due description, like the rest of it all.

We shall see, though. Time to dive further into reading that smutty romance stuff and see how I feel about it all!

Post-a-day 2021

Roomies

And so, the universe converges, yet again, and it looks as though I will be living, once again, with one of my best friends, in a city I love so much…, but in a new area of it.

It is time to explore, and not just this city, but myself and what we can create together, this Universe and I.

I can hardly wait…

But I must. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

Body power

At the gym today, someone asked me what I had noticed as the biggest difference from having been at the gym for so long. I immediately thought of my muscles, the obvious strength in my shoulders and arms – a strength I love to see whenever I pass a mirror -, my near constant touching of my own muscles, the shape alteration of my hips and waist and thighs, the lines (as we call it) on my leg muscles… but those all seem like small things to me, and none stands out as significantly more prominent in my mind than the rest. Perhaps it is my energy levels or my endurance capabilities. Or perhaps it is how I no longer just feel comfortable in my own skin, but I feel capable in it…, ready to take on anything, bidden or not…

I really wasn’t sure, and I thought on it for quite a while this afternoon and evening. However, when I was preparing to take a shower, I went to take a look at my body. Naked and tired from having been worked hard this afternoon at the gym – I felt like fighting someone, so I went to the gym, even though I had planned to go tomorrow instead of today – it stood its ground nonetheless. What stood before me looked nothing like a tired body. Truly, what came to mind when I saw it was simply the word, “woman”. It was woman as she was designed to be. It was the young hunter-gatherer of a clan from so many years and generations ago, when we first became the ingenious homo sapien sapien. It was Ayla from The Earth’s Children book series.

And I realized that that was the greatest difference I had noticed in myself since joining the gym. When I see my naked body now, I do not frown at the shape, nor find sorrow in the excess fat areas. I see simply woman, and I am both grateful and proud to be the host of that woman. I have worked long and hard, and I shall continue to do so, because it feels not just good but right to be this woman. This is part of who I’m meant and made to be. And I am grateful.

Post-a-day 2021

Unexpected feedback

I go to the workout today. We start with a warm-up, then move into strength. The strength work is squats, and then supersets of 60 seconds of plank and then 60 seconds of continuous Good Mornings.

I am doing the Good Mornings. My shirt was discarded a while ago. The coach (and gym owner) corrected my stance a bit at my first round of Good Mornings. Everyone is in different places around the gym, working on whatever part where they each are.

The coach comes walking up to me, doing his sideways stance, head dropped slightly, as though conspiratorially – his usual stance when speaking so that only the one person receives the information.

“I’m gonna say somethin‘…,” he begins. I am immediately nervous. What did I do wrong? Am I doing wrong? “…I don’t want you to take it the wrong way…”

Shit. I messed up somehow. What did I do wrong? Is it about my not wearing a shirt? Is it too much? Wait… other girls go shirtless, too…, though I can’t recall who at present…, but some do, I’m sure of it… maybe that I’m not pushing hard enough to have ditched the shirt, so it’s just too soon isn’t he workout to be in just the sports bra up top…?

“What??” I say more than ask, resignedly, looking at him sidelong, my face set in obvious trepidation.

He looks me in the eye, and then says, calmly and gently, and completely genuinely, “Your butt…” He makes a sign with his hand, pressing the first finger and thumb gently together, extending the others outward. It is the sign that is common for describing something, usually food, as ‘perfection’. He makes a corresponding shape with his lips, and tilts his head slightly to the side in the same motion.

My eyes gape. “REALLY???” I ask him, like a kid who’s just been told that Santa Claus wants to meet him.

He nods, reaffirming the hand motion and head tip.

Tears are almost instantly at my eyes. “You’re gonna make me cry!” I declare, eyes brimming.

He tells me not to cry, that I shouldn’t be upset – it’s something to be happy about. I tell him that I am extremely happy and that they are tears of joy and gratitude. He understands and believes my obvious honesty.

“I tell people, ‘I made that,’” he then says.

I laugh and immediately declare, “You did!… You totally did.”

After class, I thanked him for having shared with me. I have worked very hard, in many ways more than just physically these past two years. The past six months have been a near explosion of finally seeing and experiencing some of the goals I have had my entire life, regarding my physical fitness. Some of them were even just dreams, not goals. Yet they realized nonetheless. And, basically, all of it was made possible because of him and his training and coaching and support. Yes, I put forth the effort, but he provided the tools and guidance and support for almost all of the physical stuff, and a good chunk of the mental stuff, too. (He’s also the one who turned me on to Goggins, by the way.)

He also happens to be one of the fittest and, truly, sexiest people I have ever known. (No, no Eros attraction to worry about. I am merely describing his physical appearance here.) And I know how hard he works for that fitness for himself.

And he, of all people, complimented my buttocks. And not just any compliment, either. It was a You say it best, when you say nothing at all, silently communicated “perfection” compliment. He thinks my but is perfection. Sh** all else, if that is not one of the greatest and most powerful compliments one could receive regarding efforts like I have made. (Haha. I know, it’s a terrible phrase.) He knows how hard I have worked, and he helped me to see a success today that I had not known that I had.

Afterward, I took a photo from the side, just standing normally. And, wow…, I agree with him. It looks like a butt model for pants, the photo.

I have extremely high expectations for myself. It was valuable beyond compare today for me to hear such feedback from such a knowledgeable person on the situation. I have been frustrated a lot about my struggles and failures elsewhere on my body and in my performance lately. And so, it was nice to have a stellar success pointed out to me, and by someone whose opinion I cannot disregard (even if I’d wanted to do so).

Thank you, gym. Thank you, owner. Thank you, butt. And thank you, God, for this beautiful combination for my life. Thank you, all.

Post-a-day 2021

Feel it

Yes, it is feeling uncomfortable in just the right, exciting way. I have trusted the feelings and pulls in a certain direction, and it has been wonderfully terrifying so far, and in many, many ways. I started karate again, because I wanted to be more like Hanna, from the Amazon series. She is utterly bada**, and has major skills on the battlefield, so to speak, and I wanted to train myself for many of those skills (but just have zero desire actually to destroy people). But it was through a series of other minor events that I ended up re-finding karate. I reached out to the head of the organization, and now, only a few months later, I seem to be fully involved in it, and not just by doing karate.

I have become an unofficial official photographer for the organization now, as well as copy-editor/copywriter, and I Love them both. Plus, I’ve been practicing for upper level belt tests, because I’m going Goggins, as I call it, and am planning for the hardest stuff, and doing more training and preparation and effort than is necessary, normal, or, even, reasonable. And I’m loving that, too.

I see where I can step up my game, and I am working toward making those improvements happen effectively. And I am delighted.

Post-a-day 2021

Fingers crossed

Today, I had an odd combination of events…, and they were all things that I really love and that I look forward to having be part of my life in the near-ish future. A luncheon, some private teaching, a board of directors (that I joined), a buddy run, patches fully sewn, and a song… and none really had anything to do with the next, which made it all the more wonderful and, also, ridiculous that they all came up today.

Plus, on top of it all, my legs almost didn’t hurt at all by this afternoon/evening – praise God, I might be able to function fully again tomorrow onward. But I think I was given this mandatory rest just in time. And I am grateful for it.

Post-a-day 2021