Tag: dreams

Completion

Well, I am extremely grateful that guy was willing, at least somewhat, to give me a bit of feedback on why he didn’t care to pursue anything at all with me anymore.

No, he never gave me a clear answer, but he did say somewhat that he was, in fact, interested in something on the dating and physical relationship side of things – you know, the side I had considered a non-option due to his having a girlfriend (the one who no longer existed, but I was unaware of that at first).

And so, I told him that I wished I’d known that sooner, as it would have made a big difference in everything for me, and that, oh, well…, too bad… let me know if you’d like to do a re-do… ::crying laughing emoji ::face palm emoji.

At that, I leave the situation comfortably.

Yes, I am still bummed at his not being straight with me and not really giving me a chance, once I did start to see where he stood.

Yet, I accept him for it all… I do not need to forgive him; just accept who and how he was… and I do, now.

This scenario and relationship are now complete for me, with all loose ends tied up.*

And I am grateful that I kept true to myself through this all.

Phew!

Getting better all the time, you know?

Grateful for the strength and love that guides me forward with all of this stuff in life.

Thank you, God.

Now, who’s next in line?

Because I’m ready for the next round of being myself in the face of no agreement. 😀

…….

*A joke that my Opa always shares with me came to mind just there… it’s how they would joke with one another as kids, playing with the literal meaning of the phrase used for ‘What’s wrong?’

Was ist los?

Alles, was nicht gebunden ist!

Hashtag Family of total nerds…

Post-a-day 2020

What’s on your mind?

Every time we log in to Facebook, we are presented with this question: What’s on your mind?

Well, Facebook, painfully annoying stuff is on my mind tonight (and clearly I am not telling you about it 😂).

I’m finally, tonight, allowing myself to accept and experience the hurt I have from today and this past week.

It feels almost like déjà vu, and that seems to be what hurts the most about it all.

For the second time in a very short amount of time, I have met a guy and endeavoured to establish a relationship of friendship with him…, and I have been, while accepted at first, almost immediately denied the opportunity.

They aren’t being mean to me – not intentionally, anyway.

They actually are, in a way, being extremely nice in telling me that they don’t want to continue in the relationship (whatever kind it may be), as opposed to disappearing entirely or just slowly phasing me out of their lives intentionally.

However, what hurts about it all is that it feels like they didn’t even give me a real chance – they say they don’t think our personalities match up, or something like that, but they barely even took the time to discover anything about my personality.

This one, I’m not exactly clear if the comment was BS, in that he was actually just interested in a rebound dating relationship or sex after a recent breakup of his, and I was not sharing that intention in the friendship…

For one thing, can we please just speak honestly and openly about these things?

Would you just tell me what your intentions are, and we can figure out that way if our intentions align, or if we want to make them align?

Secondly, I was under the impression that he had a girlfriend – because he had had one when I had last seen him.

I was necessarily dealing with a mental dilemma, wondering if I was reading incorrectly into his seeming advances, or if he, in fact, was either A)in an open/polyamorous relationship, or B)was actively pursuing someone else despite his being in a relationship.

Whatever between the two, I was absolutely disinterested in being involved in the matter.

What’s more, I was looking for camaraderie or friendship, as I had said.

So, I was confused as to whether I needed to be disturbed with his behavior or whether I was seriously misunderstanding social cues from this person.

That was happening while I still aimed to be nice and un-prying – because who wants to be the person who calls him out on it, and finds out that he is in a loving relationship, and I was just way wrong and totally misread everything? – and give him the benefit of the doubt, that somehow this all could make sense, eventually.

Well, I found out eventually that his relationship had ended.

And then, after little else, he tells me that, ‘out of respect for me, he doesn’t think he’s interested in continuing our relationship.’

Okay… what relationship is that?

The one that never actually started, because I first didn’t understand what on Earth was going on, and then denied your somewhat unclear invitation – I think that’s what it had been intended to be, anyway – for sex?

Or was it for a dating relationship?

I genuinely do Not Know.

Like I said, I wish people just would be straight about this stuff, about their intentions.

I am not offended or the least bit upset, if you tell me that you would like to have sex with me and not have any other sort of relationship with me, or if you tell me that you are only interested in possibly dating me and don’t want to be friends of the dating doesn’t work out, or even if you say that you just want someone to date casually and with little-to-no commitment.

That would give me the chance to re-evaluate the situation, see how I feel about it all, and let you know if we line up or not… instead of your just assuming what my opinion on the matter would be.

I am extremely frustrated when you have clear intentions, but won’t make them clear to me… Just tell me, dang it(!!!).

What sucks so much, is that, had I known the situation ahead of time, I would have had a very different approach to it… I mean, he’s certainly an attractive guy, and I made several delighted grins at things he wrote or said to me… if I had known he was single and looking, I likely wouldn’t have been opposed.

But that isn’t something I can sort out properly in my head in an instant… I need a bit of breathing time to move someone from the ‘unavailable and off-limits’ category to ‘available and interested in me’ one…

Anyway…

I don’t know where I’m going with this right now… I’m just frustrated and hurt that, once again, a guy wasn’t straight with me, and so he has no idea what my thoughts or opinions are on the matter, but he decided he wanted to cut off all communication with me…

I’m an amazing person, and I truly know that.

It doesn’t mean this isn’t still frustrating, though.

What’s with people?

A friend said to me about it earlier that this seems to be something like a Millennial thing: The moment something starts to get uncomfortable, they ditch.

Granted, I’m not actually a Millennial, but the fad seems to be seeping into those near enough in age, and I am starting to feel like I have too many of those in my life right now.

…

Today, different people in two very different contexts told me that I am a lot to handle (and they didn’t mean it as an insult), both of them men.

One even said that most people are too superficial for me, and so my deepness and interest in being with people for real, on a real level, is hard for people who are used to living on the surface.

My cousin, in another unrelated conversation, mentioned to me that relationships with people can, in fact, develop beautifully and easily by people being straight and open and deep from the start with one another, as is evidenced by my relationship with my conversation exchange partner.

She brought that up on her own.

Another man told me, ‘You are a special woman. Remember that!’

I never thought a woman I [hardly know] could affect my life with such intensity.

Today, three different men and a woman affirmed voluntarily, with no request or prompt from me, that I am a wonderful person and am totally worth it, deserving of the best.

When does that happen in a single day?

Yet, what fills my mind is the one man who never even gave me a chance.

Why do our brains do this?

::big siiiigggggghhhhh………

I think I just need to experience and embrace this frustration, so I can let it all go.

Pick up, and release…

I’m hoping for a freeing feeling tomorrow…

Post-a-day 2020

Believe! But I do…

Does everyone have that one friend who always seems to be preaching to us?

Whenever we talk, the friend somehow takes a non-existent tangent to start talking about God or the religion, and almost never really in a normal, conversational way…

We may even follow the same religion, but this friend talks to us like we are atheist to the max… this friend seems to be determined to save us…

I talk about God in my life, and it is, I believe, never preachy – it is just something I talk about, and even discuss, with others.

Other people talk to and with me about God, and it is entirely normal, even if we have totally differing opinions on things.

Yet, that one friend we all seem to have never seems to be able to mention or discuss God without it turning into what feels like an effort to convert us – leaving always a bit of a bad taste in the mouth…

I love God, and I also happen to be of the same religion as you, and my faith in God is not faltering…., so, could you, please, stop always trying to convince me that God is good and that God loves us?

Anyway… not sure what had that pop up tonight…, but it clearly is something that bothers me… hmm…

Boy, do I have other thoughts on my mind tonight (and all day today), but, as much as I have been loving them, they are not thoughts I’m going to share for right now… just know that they are quite delicious and hungry thoughts, and involve a thirst that wants to be quenched. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Delayed Gratification

“Sometimes, it takes delayed gratification to discover that we didn’t really want it, anyway.”

This has been on my mind a lot today.

At first, all I was considering was how I often discover that, after having to wait to have something – i.e. delayed gratification – I don’t end up wanting that something anymore, and I often even forget all about it by the time I can have it.

This has been so often the case with unhealthy foods (read “desserts” and “grains”), unnecessary items, and even, occasionally, with men.

Today, I’ve been thinking about the men one especially… by not being able to date them or what have you, I end up getting so accustomed to not dating them, and I find that I actually prefer it… I don’t really have any desire to date them after all – it was just a passing excitement and desire, and it, having not been satisfied immediately, passed.

Tonight, though, I am beginning to see the other end of the idea…

Sometimes, it takes delayed gratification to discover that we truly do want it, after all.

Talking with an artist and gallery owner this evening, I saw how art has been one of these particular things for me – I was never given the gratification of studying and learning and doing art…. painting, drawing, photography, ceramics, etc…, and now, after all this time of not being able to have it all, I am discovering how much I truly do want it in my life.

I want to create art, and I want to have a life filled with art and artists.

I have had a taste of this art lately with photography, and then most recently, in being home constantly, in pursuing new skills in other art forms… and I love it.

I feel so at home with it.

This is where I belong, where I feel at home, where I want to be.

I’ve been thinking lately a lot about Charlotte from “Sex in the City”, and about Sophia in “The Longest Ride”, how they worked in art galleries.

And I have been rather envious of them for years, but now I had started to wonder about whether it was something I might actually want to pursue, if only for a short-term situation.

And now, after chasing down what I thought might have been an old family friend – which, it was – from twenty years ago, I might actually be doing it.

Working in an art gallery… how fun… how fantastic… how ridiculous a follow-up to being a high school teacher… I can hardly wait to find out.

Post-a-day 2020

Photo date yet?

I think it is almost time for me to step back into my photos.

I kind of went on a photographer hiatus in mid-March, when life had a sudden transformation to its trajectory.

I’m not sure what it was in particular, but something got me really down about my photography, in a way that had me straight up shove it from my mind…. I mean, I genuinely forgot that I had all these photos I had been wanting to edit a bit and then share with the world…

I think the recent photographer who came into my life sparked a sense of impossibility and hopelessness for me, and something about being alone all the time (i.e. not able to take photos of other people) made the situation even worse.

But, now that I say all of this, I am reminded that my saint is Saint Jude, patron saint of hopeless cases…. Well, Jude, I have been feeling rather hopeless with this photography future of mine right now… might we have a chat about some next steps for me, and some empowerment to make things move in a good way forward in this case?

I would love to work together on this, dearest Jude.

So, I’ll see about pulling up a few photos this week, and sharing them online, slowly but surely over the next several days… I know I can do this, and I know I can do it well.

God, and Jude, help me to give this my all and to give it my best, that I might share love in the form of beautiful photography with the World. ❤

Amen.

………..

P.S. Katy Perry – you know, the woman who stole the beloved Orlando Bloom from daydreaming women everywhere 😂 – is in my head tonight, with one difference… I kissed a boy, and I liked it.

Post-a-day 2020

Just do it

I did it!

I started work on creating my first book, and I started work on producing the first edition of the online women’s magazine I am starting!

I came up with ten (10) plot ideas for the book, as I said last night that I would do today, and I even really like certain ones of them… like really like them.

I got on the phone with a friend whom I want to be a secondary voice on moving the magazine forward with me, and she helped me organize out certain bits already for it.

I sent her the general outline I had of everything this evening, and she will look at it tomorrow, and get back to me on her response to it either tomorrow or Friday.

I compiled the contact list for the various contributors who are confirmed, and whom I am considering bringing on to the project.

I reached out on social media for contributors (without saying what specifically the reason was) in a couple areas that were lacking contributors.

And now, my brain is going almost nonstop, just chugging along with considerations regarding the magazine.

It is a good kind of busy in my brain right now, and I think it is definitely helping keep me away from thoughts of the intense citrus smell in my room right now – and the accidental addition of isopropyl alcohol to the steaming mix over the burning candle – due to not only the dying roach I found downstairs this morning, but the live one I found crossing on top of my swimsuit an hour ago in my bedroom… and that is currently trapped in my painting water jar downstairs…

Yeah, so, moving on…

My task for tomorrow with the book – I think I need to give myself a task every day for the book – will be to come up with five (5) more plot ideas that seem particularly crazy and out of my typical comfort zone of writing and style (think zombies and goth and erotic romance novels!… :P), and then to flesh out at least two of my plot ideas, including one of the crazy ones.

Yikes – tomorrow will be a silly one for the book! 😛 Haha

I’m excited, and I can hardly wait. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Book-book

I have been thinking so much lately about writing my first book…, but I keep not writing it.

I ponder and giggle and sigh over various ideas I would like to include, but I never sit down and start putting any of them together.

And it suddenly hit me just now clearly what my main struggle is with writing this book:

I’ve got all the details – they come to me all too easily, and almost all the time – my struggle is that I don’t have the big picture, the main story and plot.

And it practically paralyzes me, leaving me to do no work on it at all, and instead worry more and more about all the time that is passing without my writing this first book.

Hmm…

So, I guess I need to start working specifically on ideas for a main plot tomorrow… I will take out my writer’s book, start reading it, and then start a list of at least ten ideas for general plots for a book.

They don’t have to be good or likely at all – they just have to be.

I can do this. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Books and movies

Today, I finished reading the book (well, listening to the audiobook, anyway) Crazy Rich Asians.

I had read the book, because I had enjoyed the film, and discovered that it was based on a book, and that there was actually a whole little series of books, and that it was written by a man…, and my interest was piqued… especially by that last fact.

I had just recently been to Singapore a couple times, so the film easily held a little warm spot in my heart, especially since they go to eat at one of my favorite places in the world to eat (the hawker stand when they first arrive to Singapore).

At long last, I got hold of the audiobook, and dove in, and, though it was different from the film, I enjoyed it.

I mean, I knew it would be different from the film – books always are different from their film counterparts.

Except, perhaps, The Princess Bride… that one is purty darn near exactly the same…, though it does have slight differences still…

Anyway, two things came from this, but I’ll wait…

Whenever I finish a book, I let goodreads.com know, and it adds to my list of books read.

It also sends me an e-mail: You finished [fill in the blank book]. What’s next?

And then it gives a brief bit about the book, including the first few reviews on it, and then info on the author and how to follow him on the website, and, finally, other books that people who read this same book also liked/read.

On this e-mail, I saw part of a review that interested me, and so I clicked and was led to the full review, which I read.

The writer of the review and I had very different impressions from the book – I very much enjoyed it, and she was somewhat annoyed by most of it.

I easily disregarded the review, knowing full well that I often disagree with most reviews I see of books.

(Also, I almost never accept film recommendations, because people seem to have such terrible taste in films and in film quality…)

I have certain people I trust with book recommendations, and I rather distrust most others in the world for a book (or film) recommendation.

But this got me thinking more on the book…

There are probably loads of people who dislike and have terrible and ugly things to say about just about any book, right?

As JRR Tolkien wrote in the beginning of the 1976(?) edition of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, there will be always those who dislike things he likes, and also who dislike the way he told these stories.

(He said a lot more, but that is the most relevant part in this conversation.)

As I thought about the film’s being so different from the book, I found myself wanting to talk to the author, Kevin Kwan, and to ask him how he felt about that all, and what his thoughts were on it…

Is it not basically a group of individuals declaring that your story was good, but just not good enough?, I thought at him in our mental interview within my own mind.

Then, it had me wonder, What is it like with reading the various reviews of your books by readers? All those nasty comments and thoughts…Do you just ignore them entirely and never read them, because that isn’t why you wrote them, anyway? You wrote them for those who would enjoy them?

And this idea had me think about whether it mightn’t be a good idea to go ahead and gather together people who love me, and have them tell me how they dislike or do not like something that I have done or created… practice the rejection, so to speak.

Not to experience the suffering, but to learn to separate their unkind words from my own satisfaction and pleasure from the work I have produced… to aid me in learning to love my creations period, with no dependency on what others’ opinions are, good or bad.

My mood is up to me, and my art can be perfect just for me… everything else is insignificant.

If it brings others joy, yay: joy for them and for myself.

If it doesn’t bring others joy, yay: joy for myself.

That’s why I wrote/made/created it, anyway, was for myself, right?

In some way, anything I create must be for myself… it is something I was ready to express, and in this particular form at this particular time… it is for myself that I do it, whether I realize or acknowledge it or not.

Yet, those bad reviews really stick with us… as I recently was called to consider from a quote by Orson Welles:

Every actor in his heart believes everything bad that’s printed about him.

So, I wonder, how can we move past that?

How can we be untouched by the bad reviews?

And, even, the good reviews, too, for, if they suddenly were to cease, would we be saddened?

How can we be self-sustaining in our joy and satisfaction with our own art, and untouched by the opinions of others?

The second idea was about how films are always different from the book, even when the book is spectacular already.

Why must the book always be changed?

Why?!

Ugh.

Post-a-day 2020

I, phone

“You have too much on our mind,” he said…, “Hai troppi pensieri per la testa!!”

Is he right?

I haven’t felt like I’m thinking about loads and loads lately…, but am I worrying, having thoughts run silently in the background, like the pesky applications on my phone, secretly using the signal and draining down the battery power without my even realizing it until I’m suddenly at only 20%?

Mayhaps… perhaps… it may be… it might be so…

Yes, yes, I can see it… the money and the fitness and the job-related… those have the tell-tale arrows next to them in the settings section, declaring that they were recently using my location…, as well as a lot of “should”s… I don’t even support shoulds, yet, here they are, attacking my brain, eating up the battery life…

Ugh…

I don’t even want to think about it right now… that’s how tired I am – I don’t even want to put forth the slight effort of sorting it out… I just want to go to bed already…

So, I’ll do a run or two or few on the mala, and clear out my active mind, so I can fall asleep powerfully… hopefully it can and will last for longer than it has been doing, and I can wake up with energy tomorrow morning, ready to take on at least one of these pesky background apps in my mind… 😛

P.S. Happy End to WWII Day, and Happy Mothers’ Day!! 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Don’t know; don’t care – just do it

My phone reminder is demanding that I write – ‘But about what?!,’ I ask it!

‘About my continued quest to find my soulmate; the trials and tribulations that always feel like they are getting somewhere at last, yet always leave me wandering knowingly all on my own, much like before?

‘About my change in language tendencies due to influences by whatever book or books I am presently reading, or film I may see on a given day?

‘About how tired I am?

‘About how unclear my emotions are regarding having to go in to the office tomorrow, and to be in a world where a face mask is mandatory?

‘About how I really just want a banana and some orange juice right now?

‘And also like every day going forward from now?

‘What about how my dreams have begun to take such altered shape that I cannot even recognize them in my memory?

‘Or my desire to teach yoga and meditation in prisons?

‘Or dance to youth in juvenile detention facilities?

‘Or art and yoga to both?

‘And my pull toward being, in general, an artist as a means of financial support and survival and thriving in life – what about that?’

My phone gives me no answer… it remains stoically the same, brandishing to me the same reminder it gives at this time every night, though never quite so peculiarly times as it has been timed tonight.

Alas, I share briefly instead of the various topics that take up most of my brain power right now, and then I turn to sleep… sleep… sleep.

Goodnight ❤

Post-a-day 2020