Tag: fear

Food belly

I tested out eating ‘normal’ food last night at dinner with friends.

We went and had Korean food – the irony of the situation being that a friend of mine came with us, and she was visiting Houston from Korea – and agreed, as is typical for Asian eating situations, to have everything be shared (a style I rather prefer, as I have said often).

They asked for dietary restrictions, and I mentioned that I had mine, but that I was going to use the night as a tester for whether I’m okay eating ‘normal’ foods from time to time (because this diet is a lot to keep up, and it seems a bit nuts to keep up every day for the rest of forever, especially considering holidays and cultural events that have foods that just don’t fit the bill…).

I ate food with them.

It was delicious.

While eating, I noticed quite quickly some physical responses to certain foods (e.g. having to clear my throat from excess mucus somewhat constantly after eating the dish with dairy and the high gluten one).

Afterward, I noticed slight discomfort, but nothing too bad – it was only somewhat noticeable.

I was pleased.

Good thing, I thought.

I went home, delighted with the evening with friends, as well as with the food situation with my body – no, I had no intentions of eating that way anywhere near often, but yes, I would be able to take part in special occasions like tonight.

I go to bed, ready to pass the *** out, because it is so late by then.

At 5am, to a searing pain in my lower stomach, I awaken, almost in a bit of a fit.

I rush to the bathroom, unsure as to whether something needs to come out by gravity, or whether I need to hurl…

… it feels like both.

……..

Almost an hour later, I have managed not to throw up, despite the rising panic that it was wanting to happen, I have cleared out a good amount of what was hurting my bowels so badly, and I go back to bed, exhausted, only to feel another wave of nausea hit me when I lie down flat.

I curl over to one side, and strategically place body parts to help ease the once-again increasing pain in my belly, and somehow fall back asleep.

Today, I felt okay all day, but still exhausted from not enough sleep – had to get up too early today – and somewhat low on energy due to the bit of food debacle early this morning.

I told my friend about what happened, and she said that we are sticking to my dietary restrictions from now on at dinners. 😛

Well, I survived it, which is great, and I now know not to do it unless I want a lot of pain and discomfort – which, I don’t.

The point is that I have lived and learned on the matter, and I can move forward content with my dietary restrictions, and people who get weird about it can go eat a can of glass… just saying… 😛

(Haha – for some reason, that last bit really makes me chuckle, it is so absurd and came out of nowhere.)

Post-a-day 2019

Third Grade

And, some nights, you begin telling your mom about various memories from third grade – a class you’ve always remembered as one of your favorites – and she ends up telling you that it is time for you to go to bed, because you have become a bit of a blubbering mess of surprise emotions…

I mean, I do, anyway… 😛

I had no idea how much negative emotion I had stemming out of that class…., a lot of which came from that teacher.

I’ve always loved that teacher.

Tonight, in recalling these incidents and the way they made me feel at the time, and how they somehow exploded me with tears tonight, I said to my mom that, as a teacher, I never want to make my students feel that way – embarrassed, incompetent, incapable, unworthy…, unloved.

I hadn’t ever had these particular incidents in mind, but perhaps these third grade memories have played a somewhat significant role in my open expression of love to my students.

I’m not sure a single student of mine could say honestly that he/she thinks I don’t love them – they all know that I do.

As if my actions weren’t clear enough, my constant verbal expression kind of makes it too hard to miss – but my actions, most likely would say, are already sufficient for them to experience and to know that I love them.

My mom said that it is merely part of life, and that I, therefore, necessarily will end up making a student feel that way at some point… I need merely make sure I clean up the situation immediately, whenever it does happen, whenever the student is distraught by my words or actions…

Part of me is terrified at the idea, but part of me feels like I already do a version of this.

I tell kids constantly that they are wrong or have done the wrong thing.

At the beginning of the school year, their faces look momentarily panicked, until they realize that I have clearly put no grade of them as people into my comment – I mean exactly what I have said, and only that which I have said.

In a rather short time, students don’t even flinch at my words that, traditionally, when coming from a teacher, end up embarrassing the student and making him/her feel stupid or inadequate or [insert upsetting self-identity adjective here], because they realize that I love them and that my words have nothing to do with that love dissipating – I tell the kids they have something wrong, because I love them and I want them to learn the right ways, which happens to require them to learn, too, what is wrong and how to fix it.

And they always learn how to fix it, and are praised for their success – their joy always being evident.

In short, I might make a student feel inadequate, but the feeling lasts no longer than a few seconds, before being replaced by something amazing instead.

What was missing for me in all of these memories, was the follow-up, the release of my feelings of inadequacy… the teacher left me to be embarrassed, and so I stayed that way onward and upward in school.

It kind of sucked.

However, if it, in fact, plays a reasonably large role in my expression of love toward my own students, then, perhaps, I needed the negative experiences for myself, in order to be able to love my students so well…

And, therefore, if it does end up being inevitable that I will leave students feeling the ways I felt in third grade at these incidents, perhaps it is merely so that they, in turn, can go forward in life to love even more powerfully than they can love at present.

You know what I mean?

Post-a-day 2019

Rockin’ it

Tonight, I went to another art exhibit.

And alone, too.

Yes, I ended up meeting friends there, however, I was going in the first place, whether they accepted the belated invitation or not…

And it was wonderful.

I loved the art, I had fun with the friends, I felt myself, and I felt totally loved, and for being just that (myself, I mean).

And I didn’t even think about this as being an improvement on who I am being in life until after the fact, upon further, late-night reflection…

It was wonderful.

It has only taken me years, but I am finally beginning to embrace and to take advantage of the wonderful arts scene found in Houston.

I am finally going to museums somewhat regularly, and am even going on my own, at times, now.

And I love it.

And I love myself for it, too.

I love being myself, the self I have always had inside, the one who wants to be a museum/goer, who can be found on her own at a museum, contemplating this or that piece with curiosity.

It’s really cool, y’all… really cool.

Post-a-day 2019

Nostalgia, an early onset

I finish this teaching assignment on Friday.

And I’m already super nostalgic… and I mean super…

I keep wanting to plan something amazing and sentimental to send myself off…

And I kind of feel silly for wanting to do that – it isn’t actually that big of a deal… so I keep telling myself.

I think what I’m aiming to figure out here is how truly it is or is not a big deal.

I’ve never been so myself as a teacher, and so, perhaps, I have never been so willing to be vulnerable as I have been with these guys… perhaps this is te closest I’ve ever been with students, and the best I’ve ever been as a teacher…, and so, perhaps, it actually is a big deal.

However, if I am off to be my best self the rest of my life, then this is merely the first of many fabulous situations in which I get to be my true self and allow the students to do the same, and we all love each other and get to be super sentimental all we want, any and all the time.

Nonetheless, I keep wanting to play guitar or ukulele and sing a song to and/or with them as a final goodbye.

I don’t have any French songs that come to mind yet, though… jut a bunch of honest and sentimental songs in English… and even a Spanish one, kind of.

Maybe a German song is actually the way to go… perhaps that would be best, simply because German is more my God-love language than any of the others… and that is good for them, even though it isn’t French, because 1) God and 2) still a foreign language…

Hmm…

Let me think on it…

Maybe I’ll just do the birthday song I always do… I love using it for birthdays especially, but it can apply to any day – the Lord gave you life today when you awakened, just as much as He did on the day of your birth… hmm…

I’ll reflect some more, and trust that God will give me exactly what to do. 🙂

But I seriously am already nostalgic, and it hasn’t even ended yet… I shake my head at how silly this is, yet that changes nothing – I am still nostalgic for it all.

Post-a-day 2019

Nasty creatures and decay

Well, they exploded all over again today – by the time I went up after lunch, there were about forty of the disgusting things up in my room, doing their odd version of mixing and mingling with one another.

I still didn’t cry, but I definitely felt the panic within me.

However, I acted as was necessary to move things forward with clearing them out of there, hanging several flypaper ribbons around the room, covering my clothes with blankets, and getting the **** out of there myself.

I prepared myself mentally for the possibility of not sleeping in there tonight, as they were kind of all over, and, though I wasn’t seeming to be freaking out at the time, I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle staying in the room without cleaning it… and I knew that they might not all be gone yet, too.

This was a fortunate mental preparation, as I am currently sitting on a pallet on the floor of the yoga room, getting ready to go to sleep, feeling oddly exposed out in the open, likely to be found by the first teacher tomorrow morning.

Nonetheless, I am rolling with it… this is what I can afford right now, and this is the neighborhood in which I want to be living right now, so this is where I live… sucks and all…

Anyway… sweet dreams and restful sleep unto us all tonight. 😉

Post-a-day 2019

Yikes

Twenty.

It sounds like an entirely reasonable number, right?

Even twenty to thirty of something sounds reasonable, low in number, even.

However, this idea seems to disappear, whenever we consider things that aren’t meant to be in groups more than just a few.

For example, toes… on one person.

Kind of weird to consider, right?

Even worse than that, however, is blood flies… in one’s bedroom…., to be discovered when one arrives home late at night after a long week, and just wants to go shower quickly and get to bed within the next half hour, before 11pm, even…

Two and a half hours later, I sit on my knees on the floor of my room, hunched on the ground, typing this.

I have myself killed approximately thirty flies at this point, and the hanging flypaper has handled around four.

I spent about ten minutes downstairs a little while ago, hoping things were finally handled, but giving some time for any loners to move to the overhead light.

Unfortunately, two more had appeared by the time I came back up here.

Now, I am almost paranoid about getting ready for bed – if I go shower, and then have to deal with more, that’s eew, but, also, if I go to bed, but they aren’t finished, will I be the warmest thing in the room, once the lights are off?

They are attracted to the light and heat…

I have lit a candle underneath clove, peppermint, and eucalyptus oils, and so am considering leaving my downstairs door open, so that any others would leave my room due to the smell, and head to the light and the warmer temperature of the room at the bottom of my stairs.

But I’m just not entirely convinced yet that it is safe to proceed.

In case you’ve forgotten, flies are one of my greatest fears in life – totally absurd a fear here, but that in no way changes the fact that the fear is there.

No, I did not cry tonight… however, I think a big part of that was the slowness of the things, so the situation was much less panicky than last time.

I certainly cursed a lot.

But that is to be expected – extreme stress brings it out of somewhere within me.

I was debating whether to go to the gym in the morning, and so perhaps this event was a means of forcing me not to go – I will not have had a reasonable amount of sleep by 7:45am, when I would need to awaken (given that it is currently just after 1:30am).

Dear God, please let me learn whatever lesson I need from this now, and give up having this happen, please – I would like very much to be finished with these things, and for them to leave my life permanently.

Amen.

Post-a-day 2019

Two weeks

I have these two weeks remaining, and then my role will be different.

I actually cried today in class, due to how much I would be missing everyone – I just have come to love them so much, and it has been surprising how much that seems to be.

However, I am awaiting with gratitude and delight the new schedule I will have, as well as the opportunity I will have to pursue photography again, to work actively on my thesis, and to organize my room and visit with family out of town.

Also, today, somehow, I developed a semi-plan to take a few road trips on my lovely Vespa.

I want to learn some skillage first, so I can handle anything that may arise with it, but I definitely am looking forward to these little road trips… man, I really am… 😀

Anyway, I’m off to sleep now – can you believe I actually did some extra work tonight on a really fun activity I’m excited about doing with the kids???… yeah, neither can I… – because I am exhausted, and I am getting up again around 4am to work on myself and to get going on everything for school for the day immediately afterward.

Yippee!! (Haha…, it is exhausting, but I am managing it appropriately, and am even honored that I have the opportunity to pursue everything as I currently am.)

Post-a-day 2019

Being myself

Yesterday, I listened to the German audiobook for “Bis(s) zum Morgengrauen”, which is somehow one of of my favorite audiobooks (the beginning and first third of it, anyway), while I made brunch and sunflower seed butters.

All turned out delicious.

I did not leave the house the entire day.

The entire day.

And I was totally okay about that.

At night, I hung fort my prayer flags, and then a bunch of paintings that I pulled out from a corner box.

My space is finally looking like I live here – I think this is the longest I’ve gone without making my space home-y.

Usually, I do it right away, hanging things and making my space feel like home…, but, for various reasons, I was concerned about doing it here, and so never did it, which meant I never fully unpacked and that I never fully felt at home here.

After last night’s decorating, I’m actually excited to come home and do some more throughout the week – and I already feel so welcomed whenever I enter my space, and it is lovely.

Today, for the second day in a row, I slept in past 9am (which is not necessarily all that late, but seems like it when compared to a 4:10am weekday alarm).

I again listened to my beloved audiobook while cooking and eating brunch and lunch, as well as cooking dinner for the week.

I then power washed the whole front walkway and house steps and front wall – and it looks amazing now!

I talked with a friend briefly while doing part of it.

I then rushed upstairs to clean off my legs, put on some socks, grab my white tennis shoes, and then head off to a gallery closing party I’d wanted to attend.

I even invited someone to go with me after I was already on the way, and didn’t really expect it to be a yes on the other person’s part.

It was a no, and I went anyway, and comfortably.

I had asked myself what the person I want to be would do…, and she very clearly would have gone to the opening alone, and so I went with confidence.

I even tried out those glasses the eye doctor gave me way back a few years ago, to see if they might work out (I had some trouble catching lacrosse balls the other week, and hit myself, causing me to be worried about my eyesight.).

At the closing party to this blacklight art show, I felt like I was walking into a college party – it was dark, blacklight lit, and smelled of pot and alcohol and a little bit of sweat.

And yet I walked in confidently and comfortably, and merely laughed at the idea altogether: college after college (again).

See here some choice selections from the show:

Cool, huh? 😛

Afterward, I went to Whole Foods to pick up my new helmet, and then stayed there a while to get my necessary steps for the day, as has been my practice on previous occasions, as well.

Eventually, I returned home, ate a final bit of food, enjoyed my homemade sunflower seed butter, had olives as a kind of dessert to my dinner, and then came up to get ready for bed.

I am going to bad far too late, but I have not yet perfected being exactly the person I want to be, so I accept it – I did loads that was true to myself this weekend, so I’m actually rather okay with having this one thing be off.

Here’s to amazingly restful and refreshing sleep tonight! 😉

Post-a-day 2019

Sharing is caring (world peace edition)

Is it wrong to be excited about sharing a negative experience with another?

I mean, to feel excited at discovering that a friend and I each have gone through similar bad experiences – is that so bad, feeling excited about it?

At first glance, it sounds off – being happy about not just myself but someone else having to go through a bad experience.

However, upon consideration, my opinion of it improves – in fact, it even seems a wonderful thing, this excitement.

You see, it is not that I am excited that we each suffered – not at all.

I am excited that we are able to share so fully and deeply and truly with one another, be so vulnerable and open with one another, and that we are both able to find someone who understands…, and, possibly most importantly, someone who loves us nonetheless for what we share openly.

And, in having that excitement happen, and in having that sharing and love happen, we are bringing positive out of two negative situations.

So, in a way, I guess it’s like multiplications: two negative stories, when shared across our two lives, make a positive.

(Yes, I enjoyed that dorky/nerdy moment.)

So, yeah…, share away your tough and deep and true stories, people – be open and vulnerable with one another.

I think it might just be one of the best ways for us to learn to love each other best.

Aka world peace. ❤ ❤ ❤

Post-a-day 2019

Another day full of energy

I asked God and the World to have me do what was best today, what was perfect.

Apparently, that turned out to be waking up at 3:37am to use the bathroom, and then going back to bed, only to go ahead and get up at 3:47 and begin my day, instead of waiting for my 4:10 alarm.

Then doing a solid workout at the gym, and heading to school for the team’s morning working, and catching just about every traffic light along the way, adding a full ten+ minutes to the drive – I kept asking, What are you having me avoid by being pushed back in my time path here?

Then forgetting until it was too late to grab a student and schedule a meeting with him.

Then passing a different way in the way to my room, only to discover that we could have great breakfast in the mornings – and then to have a delicious omelette and few sips of orange juice that satisfied every nutrient need for my body post-exercise and the general morning activity of the previous four hours.

Then organizing class materials, helping someone develop a good idea into a great one while I got myself some autumn tea, grading a bunch, and then sitting down outside in the shade for twenty minutes with an old priest on my way to lunch, discussing various aspects of the workings of his community’s life, plus a bit about language and culture – I’m working on getting him to offer masses at least weekly in French (which would be a great increase from the current ‘zero ever’ frequency).

Then my being shown love by a couple students as I obtained my lunch and took it to eat.

Then happily chatting with coworkers and showing a test to the department head for approval.

Then kicking a kid out of class and partly scaring the rest of the class.

Then forgetting about the kid for most of the class period, and eventually remembering and finding him sitting outside on the floor, joining him, and having a wonderful talk with him in which he Fi-Na-Lly got it, and due to which he now intends to pause to consider before Everything he does – you see, he discovered that he just really doesn’t think at all before acting, thus resulting in some terrible behaviors.

Then being silly yet helpful with my next class, and having an oddly at-home comfy environment for class as they did their test review work, and scheduling a morning meeting to help a student.

Then perfectly running into the person I was seeking when I was only halfway to where I was going to find him – and my being slightly disappointed at the journey being cut short, as I would not be able to run into another person I sought to schedule a meeting.

Then having to pause to use the bathroom, running into some students, and finally heading out.

Then, just as I was about to pull out of the parking lot, being flagged down by the exact person I’d hoped to cross earlier, and talking for a bit and scheduling our meeting for tomorrow.

Then singing, unsure as to why, a German praise and worship song that repeats, “Ich vertraue dir…” (“I trust you…”), and laughing at myself, first for singing that song with such sudden delight, and second for the struggle that is riding a Vespa/motorcycle with an open-faced helmet while singing – better watch out for bugs…

Then having to order a new helmet… 😛

Then running a silly errand to print something and it taking a crazy amount of time, while I gladly enjoyed the presence of someone I love and rarely see.

Then sharing something wonderful with my mom.

Then finding Crown Maple Syrup (not alcohol, but syrup that was aged in the barrels after the alcohol was bottled out of them, allowing the odor to soak into the maple), and sharing the discovery with family who were delighted.

Then coming home to Sunflowers and stacks of colored paper just inside my back/side door, sitting outside on the porch for a while, cooking and eating dinner, and heading up to shower and to ready myself for bed.

Then reflecting on the day, and discovering how so much of it were things that I could have seen as bummers as they happened, but that I allowed just to be as they were, without meaning…, and how beautiful it was – without forcing anything or stressing about anything – to have all that I desired in the day to fall beautifully into place, loads better than I had initially anticipated.

Life really does go beautifully when we let go and let God… that was my high school junior retreat theme, and it was awesome then, and remains to be awesome now – it works every time. 🙂

Well, I’m off to sleep, for an early morning meeting, preceded by an early morning workout, waits for me(!).

(I promise I’m still not a morning person…)

Post-a-day 2019