And now I shall unbutton myself from this rainbow unicorn onesie, stumble carefully down the stairs to use the bathroom, climb back up quickly, and snuggle myself into my currently-chilly-but-soon-warm bed to fall quickly and fast asleep.
My letters for tomorrow (today, technically) are complete, and so I may sleep.
Goodnight, Moon, whichever direction you may be right now.
P.S. T-2 days to my birthday… Friday awaits!
Post-a-day 2020
I feel sick.
To my stomach, I mean it.
I might just be exhausted, now that O think about it…
Yes… I went to bed at about 4:40am last night (this morning, technically, that is), and my alarm went off before 8:00am… that means I had barely three hours of sleep.
No wonder I’m exhausted and feeling sick to my stomach… and at 11:29pm, nonetheless!
Whew!
Glad I got that figured out… I hope I did, anyway…
Whatever the case, I’ve been daydreaming tonight, this evening… I am beginning to see opportunities in my struggles, and it might turn out wonderfully, if I can pull it off… let us just see…
Post-a-day 2020
Showers.
There are two things that have been on my mind regarding showers tonight.
Naturally, as is the case with all amazing ideas that arise in the shower, I’ve forgotten one or the other at least five times since they first came to me while I was showering half an hour ago…
Fortunately, though, I got them both back safely into my consciousness, and wrote them down before I could forget again.
The first: Shower buddies.
Whenever the idea of showering with someone is portrayed in film or television, in books, or even in conversation, it is almost exclusively approached as an erotic experience.
The same is true with physically exploring another’s body – it is never never anything but an arousing, erotic experience for both (or all) parties involved.
But why must they be so?
There is a photo – simultaneously dreadful and adorable – of me as a baby, climbing carefully into the shower to join my dad, my bum covered in you-know-what (Obviously, my mom had a sense of humor about it.)… we got to be shower buddies, sharing the space and showering simultaneously, my dad and I.
When I was older, but still a child, I had minimal space in the house that was ever granted to me entirely – that is to say, nowhere was guaranteed to be my own space for long.
This, of course, included the toilet and the shower. (Yes, I have this one terrible memory of sitting on the toilet while my sister showered, and my brother walked in and told me to scoot forward, because he needed to pee… I am proud of 7-year-old me for refusing…. but I digress…)
Whenever my sisters needed to shower, they got to shower.
If I was already preparing to shower, it was no matter, they just hopped on in with me and adjusted the water to their preferred temperature (quite hotter than I liked it, actually).
At first, they had me shower with them in order to make sure I was showering and to show me how to shower properly (I didn’t exactly love showering or bathing as a younger child).
Eventually, though, I turned into more of a coincidental affair that no one really minded, and that I actually found fun.
In one sense, I enjoyed learning how my older sisters showered and how their bodies were – though, to be fair, they already walked around in towels or half-naked or naked for an hour or so after every shower anyway – and, in another, I enjoyed the fun of sharing an event with someone and in such an intimate, one-on-one way.
It might sound a bit absurd, but it really was a fun event for me as a child.
At my mom’s house, it was only ever an exchange of space – she would finish and step out of the shower, and I would step directly into it, without turning anything off.
But, at my dad’s house, it was all too common that I would end up showering alongside at least one of my sisters… and I loved it.
Fast-forward to grown-up days.
I really would love to be able to have a shower buddy again.
Bathing at all the onsen in Japan, I learned to appreciate the human body even more than I had before, and especially to appreciate nudity not as something wrong or weird, but as something that is natural and that merely has a certain time and place in society.
I also learned to be comfortable with my own naked body… and to be comfortable with my own naked body around other people… and to be comfortable with my own body around my friends and their own naked bodies…
I guess, now that I’m really thinking about it, I actually did have showering/bathing buddies in Japan… it was silly at first, but it became rather fun for me.
‘Hey, what do you want to go do this weekend when we get together?’ a friend asks… ‘Onsen!’ was my delighted reply.
And it wasn’t so that we could go be naked together – that was always a way-after thought – but because I love having out in all the lovely baths in onsen… it’s one of my favorite pieces of Japanese culture, onsen.
I just became very comfortable with the whole showering and being naked with others – including friends – situation.
(Fun fact: I met my ukulele teacher in a bath at an onsen while on a snowboarding trip in Japan… we started lessons together a few months afterward.)
And so, I want to bring that back into my life, I guess.
Why would I love to have someone in my life?
Right now, because I want a shower buddy… 😛 (I am totally cracking up right now, but I really do mean it!)
It definitely teaches cooperation (and agility), it inspires a sense of childlike silliness, and it is just a little bit crazy…, all of which I think are wonderful things to have in our lives. 🙂
Also, in terms of exploring bodies physically, can we not learn to touch another’s body – say someone’s ripped abs or arms or legs, or beautifully shaped back, or even someone’s buttocks (Can you tell this one has happened to me??? Several times, actually…) – either clothed or not, with fascination and appreciation, and not have to make it an erotic affair?
Think of how a blind person might explore another’s face… it is not for erotic reasons but for getting to know the person.
Sure, a sighted person can see the other’s body, but how much do we really see?
I would love to explore my partner’s body, every bit of it, in a non-erotic sense… just as we get to know and to spend time with someone’s personality, I think it is important that we get to know someone’s bossy and spend time with it in its natural state (i.e. not aroused).
That isn’t to say that arousal need be denied always and forever – just that it has its own time and place, and isn’t always what’s called for (or best) at certain times.
So often, I hear people talk about wanting the lights to be dimmed or out when they are going to be naked in any way, even and especially around their partners, because they are ashamed or embarrassed about some or many parts of their bodies…
Would it not be better for everyone, if partners took the time to visit and explore and get to know one another’s bodies fully, in the light of day, so that they can be that much closer, more intimate and loving and accepting and appreciative of one another, more wholly so, after dark (and at all times)?
My opinion, of course, but I think it would be totally fabulous for both the individual relationships and for society at large.
……….
Okay, moving onward…
Second thing: Clothes.
One of my favorite things to do when showering is to enter the shower with clothes still on me.
It’s not something I do all the time – not by any means… it’s just something that I love, whenever I have the opportunity to do it.
When I was little/younger, I always had to do it because I had somehow gotten myself and my clothes absurdly dirty, such that the clothes could Not be put in the hamper in their present state – they needed to be rinsed off first.
Occasionally, it would be and still sometimes is because I have gotten myself caught in the cold, cold rain, and just want to get myself warm as quickly as possible… peeling the wet, gluey clothes off myself before entering the shower not only would have taken forever, but it would have frozen me even more, leaving my skin so exposed(!).
Most commonly, it was because I was in my swimsuit, and I needed to wash out the chlorine immediately, so as not to ruin they suit…, so I just got int he shower with the suit on, and then peeled it off and washed it quickly before washing myself.
These days, though, it is mostly just because I need to hand wash something that I am wearing (not necessarily a swimsuit)… a bra or underwear, sometimes socks or shorts, very occasionally a shirt or leggings or pants… and it’s sometimes because the items must be hand-washed, but most often because it is loads easier to do a quick hand wash in the shower than to do a whole load of laundry (that I may or may not have) just for the one item… also, if I need the one item soon or often, and I had only worn it just enough to be not fresh anymore, it really doesn’t need to go through such intense washing as the machine would do… a quick rinse and scrub is sufficient.
In fact, in winter, I have two of this particular shirt that I wear constantly, and so I always hand wash them in the shower.
Year-round, I wash almost all my sports bras in the shower… it started because I was required to hand wash my running bras, but continued because I have more work-out shirts than I do bras, and, as I have admitted before, I am not great with getting laundry done… I practically avoid it until I’ve been out of options for at least a few days*.
(I am getting loads better at it, actually, though I still have my moments of avoidance from time to time…)**
Anyway, I sometimes will hand wash something in the shower just because I want to experience the amazing feeling that is entering a warm shower, dressed.
If you haven’t ever tried it, naturally, I highly recommend it. 😉
Well, those are the two shower things that have been on my mind tonight…(!)
Happy bedtime, folks! 🙂
*In high school, we began “Swimsuit Day”, my best friend and I, because she loved wearing her swimsuit top better than a bra, and because I inevitably ran out of clean underwear, and didn’t necessarily notice until post-shower in the morning before school…, so I would grab a bikini bottom instead… and it became a thing that we did together for a day or two every time I needed to do laundry (obviously, I improved my awareness a bit, and so was able to give at least a day’s warning before “Swimsuit Day” was to take place… also, nobody ever really knew why we did it or how we determined when it would be, but plenty of people knew that it was “Swimsuit Day”, whenever it was… and some girlfriends actually started joining in, wearing swimsuits under their uniforms along with the two of us on “Swimsuit Day”…
**Did you lol at that unintended pun???… because I certainly did. 😛
Post-a-day 2020
I had a very interesting and, I think, empowering conversation recently.
The first part was somewhat terrifying, and the second a bit mind-blowing (in a very good way).
You see, a married man told me how he has had times of being attracted to me, of wanting to go dancing with me, spend one-on-one time with me.
That was the panic-inducing terrifying part.
He also told me that, whenever that has happened, he has looked at it and asked himself the source of the emotions – that is, why is he feeling that attraction?
Hannah is a wonderful, empowered, self-actualized, beautiful person who cares about herself and about others, and who is totally loving, he thinks, and I love being around people who are like that.
At which point he has acknowledged the emotion, the attraction, and has been able to move forward without dismissing it but without having to act on it in any way.
So, that was relieving for me.
The next thing he said, though, was the mind-blowing.
He said that he has noticed times when I seem to be very “cool” with him, and it makes him wonder if something has happened to cause me to be that way…. when he thinks about it, considers the situation, he wonders if, perhaps, She does not like that I am attracted to her, flirtatious with her – she cannot accept such adoring love, for whatever reason, so I will step back and give her some extra space.
I had not ever considered being okay with a person in a relationship being attracted to me – perhaps my religious upbringing scolded my mind enough with the concept of coveting my neighbor’s wife, but I also have experience of people not managing their emotions, their desires, and causing utterly miserable situations (especially for me)…, so I have been very anti-anyone-even-remotely-in-a-relationship being even the least bit attracted to or interested in me – and yet, here I am now, considering newly.
If the person can separate the attraction and its why’s from the typical story of, ‘I must want this person more than my partner, and therefore just pursue this person,’ perhaps it is a totally different scenario.
Kind of like how I love soft serve ice cream, and it makes me really want some when I see someone holding a fresh, massive cone of it, and I consider for that brief moment going over and stealing the cone, but then acknowledge that I don’t actually want to take the ice cream cone from him/her, because it reminds me of my love for ice cream and I really just want my own cone of it, and so I don’t go shove the person to be ground while stealing the soft serve cone…
A silly analogy, but it makes sense to me.
I also had never considers that someone’s attraction to me, married or in a relationship or not, was, in itself, a compliment to me, an acknowledgement of something wonderful within me…, a small (or large) but of love for that something within me, for me…
I had only ever considered it as wrong and bad (for the relationship guys, anyway), and had left it at that…
My mom and stepdad have always discussed gorgeous people together, attractive people together – they have always been open about it with one another… and I have always been okay with that.
I think they have, therefore, always been able to separate the desire of the moment from the ultimate desire – they see why they are attracted to someone, and discuss that with one another, as opposed to assuming immediately that they have to act outwardly on the desire…and, sometimes, they might learn from that attraction and adapt themselves to incorporate something from it into their own relationship.
I have never been opposed to flirting, as long as both parties are clear that it is only flirting – it’s actually a really great experience to me.
It’s the flirting with a goal of something happening out of the interaction that I rather dislike and that makes me uncomfortable.
And I think that that kind of flirting is what scares me… especially from married people.
Because most men in my experience have not been able to do the former, only the latter.
If, however, we consider the men who can successfully do the first, then we reach the point of what this man said to me tonight – that I am afraid of being loved in such a way that shows that someone is attracted to me.
Because of the second version of flirting, that idea is true – I am afraid of it, and I do not – have not, anyway – see it as love…, because of that second version of flirting… in the first version, however, it is a form of love.
Perhaps a silly form, but a valid form of love, nonetheless – if we didn’t love the person, we wouldn’t bother interacting, let alone being flirtatious.
I feel that I am not effectively conveying this concept, but I’ll roll with it as it is.
I was worried that a married man is attracted to me – afraid, even.
Now, knowing that he acknowledges the why‘s of his attraction and is able to bring logic to the picture, he does not act inappropriately on the attraction, and instead showers me with appropriately-intended love in appreciation of the why‘s he finds within me, I can see the possibility of being okay, even comfortable, with it.
He mentioned that I connect easily and well with just about anybody – he sees it constantly – and that, at least for all the men, they all consider at some point what it might be like to be married to me.
The thought scared me at first, but then it was actually relieving.
He said that it doesn’t last long, but they all consider it…, and I realized that I, too, do this with men… every man I cross, typically, gets thrown into the mental scenario of, “What would our life together look like?”
It doesn’t typically last more than a few seconds, and it isn’t a matter of my wanting to steal the man away from whatever relationship he may have – it is merely an analysis, a bit of mental exercise in playing pretend… and I like it when it goes well.
And it still doesn’t mean I ever act outwardly in any way with the person, because it is just a mental exercise, not a decision in which man around me to pursue.
I would not be offended for the men in my brain games…, so why just I be offended or panicked to be on theirs?
Perhaps I need not be…
Yes, perhaps…
Anyway, that’s a lot… please, feel free to be offended, but I invite you to consider something new, as I have done – it might turn out amazingly.
If it doesn’t, then you can just go back to how you’d thought before – no hard feelings. 😉
Post-a-day 2020
Tonight, my concerns about bathroom germs were solidified.
In talking with a very experienced and well-read and well-informed nurse, I learned of clear studies that established absurd levels of germage 1) being forced upward (into the air and the flusher’s face) from toilets when they are flushed, and 2) being blasted onto one’s hands and around the bathroom via high-powered air dryers (mostly because a rather high percentage of people do not wash their hands properly or thoroughly [naturally, Japan comes to mind, with the typical quick rinse of water onto the fingertips being as much as most women ever seemed to do]).
Crazy, it is.
And very unsurprising… as I mentioned, I had suspected as much.
It just reaffirms my desire to have toilets more like in Japan, where you wash your hands over the back of the toilet – dual flow toilets – as the faucet pours water into a basin that drains into the tank that holds the water in preparation for the next flush.
That way, you don’t get your dirty hands on the same surfaces where you brush your teeth.
Just saying…
These things I dream… haha 😛
P.S. I have been awake the past 19 and a half hours… Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all!
Post-a-day 2020
I had several things on my list for ‘want to accomplish’ today.
The first half happened beautifully.
The second half were avoided beautifully.
Instead of doing laundry and folding clothes, I rearranged a bit of furniture how I had been contemplating doing for a while now, and then I cleaned up piles of papers and such that I had had around the floor in my room.
And I organized all my paperwork and labeled it to bring to my CPA.*
It was a huge positive move, but definitely not on the list for today. 😛
I also, instead of working on the photos – I moved them to tomorrow, when I’ll be somewhere with Internet already, using my computer, and can stay a while – today, I expanded immensely the efforts I had intended to make with my Italian studies.
Until just a few minutes ago, I was working on the Italian, which was possibly the fourth time today… I even did detail work on it… and that’s saying something.
I also, instead of hopping to it on those aforementioned tasks, I got myself out of the house, down to our main park in town, and I walked.
For hours.
I even ran into a friend, and I joined her and her friend (and the friend’s daughter) for another hour plus, which started right about when I had been considering heading home.
(Suffice it to say that I walked a lot today, and it was great.)
(And I rode the park train twice… and that was lovely(!).)
All in all, I had a great day.
I even listened to a couple hours of my audiobook while cooking/eating and then walking at the park.
So much accomplished today… it feels good going to bed now, exhausted from a reason other than illness.
Not typically my style, but I would like for it to become my style.
Last week was a good start, and this week was even better… let’s keep this Sunday outdoor social activity + self-improvement stuff up, Banana. 😉
*Not that I’m bourgeais (bourgey?) or anything – I hardly have money to survive in this society at the moment; I just used to work for her, and so we have a sort of arrangement for my taxes to be handled.
Post-a-day 2020
Today, I wanted to ask out a guy at the gym.
But then, I noticed, too, that I was potentially interested in going out with this other guy at the gym.
And then there was the one with whom I’d always been in teenager love…, though I was kind of over it due to his utter lack of availability and interest…
And, on that note, there’s this other guy who has some shared background but a totally different occurrence in the world than the first guy, and I kind of would be interested in going out with this guy…
So, I had had it in my head that I might ask out this one guy, if the opportunity presented itself – I even had the conversation ready.
I was ready, and over embarrassment.
But then, I got distracted in my other distractions.
If I want to date all of these guys, I just don’t see its being a good idea… when is it ever a good idea to make the rounds of dating guys in any place we go regularly?
I don’t need to be dating everyone at the gym.
And then, what’s more, there is the chance – slight but there, nonetheless – of the first guy becoming available and interested… I fear I would drop this guy I was planning to ask out immediately, if the huge crush guy were suddenly available…
if that is the case, then is it fair for me to date him at all, when I already know I would choose someone else, when given the opportunity?
It’s kind of like offering a cute guy, and then offering Brad Pitt… kind of hard to resist…, though this one is much more likely to happen than Brad Pitt to show up… anyway…
It just doesn’t seem fair, to me… it would be unfair to both guys, I think.
And so, I was relieved a bit when the opportunity did not present itself – i.e. I did not have the easy chance of speaking to him alone today – and I did not ask this guy out.
Tonight, telling my mom about the silliness of it, she mentioned something simple yet somewhat profound for me.
She said that, before, I was not complete about things with myself – physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and also in terms of comfort and what I might want in a relationship – nor was I complete about things that had happened to me… Now that I am complete about all of that, I am open to dating – emotionally, psychologically, physically, and mentally – and am interested in dating… that is I want to date.
Not just anyone, of course, but I am not opposed to it for some under-layered, hidden, or absurd reason anymore… Before, I think I probably couldn’t date… Now, I can.
And I want to do so.
And I’m okay with it not going anywhere long-term… which, by the way, is a huge deal for me to be thinking.
I’m happy to learn about one another by spending time together, and thereby evaluating if we want to pursue a relationship of some sort, be it friendship or a dating relationship.
I want to spend time with people, with men, even, one-on-one.
And I’m not afraid of admitting that – and it doesn’t feel like admitting anything, actually, because nothing is out of place in the want… all is well. 🙂
So, perhaps, I will end up on a date (or million) in the near future…
Yes… maybe, let’s date, y’all. 😉
Post-a-day 2020
Growing up, I believe, we all have people we cross, both in real life and in fictional ways (e.g. book characters and movies characters), who we want to be (or else more like who we want to be).
We declare, at least to ourselves, “I want to be like that(!),” and then we take on new ways with determination.
We do our best in the moment to stick with these new ways of being or living, in order to be more like the desired individual – sometimes we stick with our new ways, and sometimes we drift back into whatever we were doing beforehand, and forget all about our determined declaration to be different than we had been.
I have found, though, that, in many cases, I have forgotten that I wanted to be like a particular individual, but still stuck with the new ways of being.
It is only years and years later that I rediscover my desire.
Sometimes I merely remember that I wanted to be like a certain someone.
Other times, I rediscover that want, thereby uncovering why I am doing a certain something.
The first I realized was Sailor Moon.
I am not sure I ever really watched the show, but I remember for sure seeing at least pieces of episodes, specifically the scenes where she transforms from her school uniform self into her battle-ready self.
I have always wanted a gold tattoo somewhere on me, because of the cats, but I have not pursued that one.
What I did pursue, however, was her hair.
In that scene where she transforms her outfit, her pigtails spiral around her body as her body turns, they are so long and blonde and perfect… and I wanted to have hair just like that, just like hers.
So, until junior year of high school, I had the longest hair I possibly could have.
I hated going to the hair dresser, because my sisters always lied to me, saying only an inch or two would come off – it was always a minimum of 4-6 inches, and not merely due to split ends… they just didn’t like the idea of my having such long hair.
And so, I left almost every appointment of my childhood haircuts balling.
Junior year of high school, I had been teased and taunted enough that, combined with my desire to try something different, I was ready to let the hair go.
I had a fun and silly summer with kids my age who joked about my hair in just the right way that I was delighted to allow them to go ahead and cut it for me (It was a whole huge fun and utterly silly ordeal, actually, and in an iconic spot in northern Spain.).
It was not until another few years later that, upon mentioning Sailor Moon to someone and talking about the show, that I suddenly remembered my childhood desire…, and that I suddenly understood why I always wanted my hair to be long.
People always were asking me, but I never had an answer that convinced myself… it was just some lame because I prefer long hair kind of answer… and now I knew.
And I never got those pigtails that swirled around me (because they’re actually probably impossible with natural hair)…, but I did have a lot of fun with my hair that summer, swinging it around like a helicopter to hit people nearby and all that jazz… it was great.
And it was all because I wanted swirling blonde pigtails like Sailor Moon had.
Fast forward into my adult life now.
In a conversation last night, my cousins says to me, “You’re essentially living the Dharma & Greg life right now.”
In so many ways, I am.
And it was super exciting that she said that to me, because I had always wanted to be like Dharma.
But I had never expected that it actually would happen.
However, here I am, living my own honest version of Dharma, and without even consciously doing it – it all kind of just fell into place in its own way in my life.
I am a yoga teacher; I live in an Ashram above a yoga studio; I have many odd and awesome jobs that come and go; I take spontaneous trips; I’ve done a boatload of what the average person would call absurd things; I’ve lived around the world with somewhat absurd circumstances; I speak honestly and openly, and it blows people’s minds regularly; I do the craziest of things; I surprise people with fabulous surprises; and I genuinely care about everyone in my life, and I make efforts for them to experience that love, no matter how loose the connection is between us; and there are a few others I’ll not mention just now… ;P
Nonetheless, I am very much like Dharma now, in my own way, and I hadn’t even remembered my desire to be like Dharma until just recently.
A third was Janie from the The Face on the Milk Carton young adult book series.
So many things she did, big and small – outfits, mannerisms, topics contemplated – have been around my life for years…, and I believe they were directly inspired by her in my elementary school self.
There’s actually a reminder on my phone right now to go get a certain outfit like what she had in one particular scene in the book – I loved it so much as a child, and, upon rereading it (and thereby rediscovering all of these things), I found I still loved it and wanted to make it happen, now that I really could(!).
I never would have remembered how badly I wanted to be like Janie, if I hadn’t reread those books recently.
The same would have been the case with Dharma, if I hadn’t started rewatching the show as an adult living in Japan a few years ago.
The same is so with Sailor Moon (and watching it recently).
And the same would have been true with a fourth person, if not for some meditations this afternoon on this particular person and my childhood.
This fourth individual is my cousin S—–.
As a child, I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, and I wanted to be as much like she was as possible.
I loved having hand-me-downs from her, but I rarely got them, because she was the top of the cousin chain, and I was the bottom – they had a long way to go to make it all the way down to me.
When she returned from having studied in Spain, she spoke easily with my stepfather in Spanish, and I envied her for it.
I wanted to do that, to be that way, studying abroad and speaking a new language comfortably and communicably, like it was no big deal, full of excitement.
Plus, just like all the others, she was beautiful.
And I wanted to be beautiful like that, too.
Here I am, years and years later, and I see how many things have spurred me on via my desires to be more like she was or is.
I not only studied abroad, but I did it many times; I speak more than just a few languages, and all of them rather comfortably; I have classy, chic outfits that I know something inside me calls “S——- outfits”; and my body is finally showing up to me like I have always wanted it to be…. which is surprisingly (or not surprisingly) similar to the body of the woman who stood before me tonight for the first time in a long time…, my cousin.
If we hadn’t been coming to see her tonight, I’m not sure I would have thought back to childhood with her in mind at all, and I doubt I would have remembered consciously that I had always been inspired by her and that I had wanted to be more like she was…
No, I haven’t become an awesome lawyer like she did, but that hasn’t changed the fact that something inside me keeps considering law school… I wouldn’t put it past being inspired entirely by my childhood love of her…
Anyway…, this has been fun, reminiscing on my childhood dreams for myself, but I’m not sure I did a very good job sharing about it all, so I’ll just leave it and get to sleep.
Goodnight, World… hasta mañana. ❤
Post-a-day 2020
Sometimes, the fantasies in my head seem just so entirely possible, attainable… I can practically feel them happening… and I can 100% see them happening…
And, sometimes, they just seem like absurd teenage fantasies that would happen never in a million years of my life…
::sigh
Post-a-day 2020
Have you ever had a time where you interact with a person you’ve known for a while, but you leave the interaction seeing the person entirely differently?
And then, have you ever left the interaction ready to cry, because that person just filled every need you had emotionally, but you are ovulating, and so his stellar level of physical fitness and adorably cute persona and face and hair ended up just reminding you of the facts that 1)you don’t have someone to be your someone, and 2)you really want someone to hurry up and be there for you to be your someone?
Okay, so maybe it is more a girl thing than a guy thing, and maybe it is more a me thing than an anyone else thing…, but, as the kids are saying these days, the struggle is real.
I am not attracted to him, though I have always acknowledged his adorableness and his pristinely perfect body – that is, I do not have a romantic attraction to him… I absolutely enjoy his presence and enjoy interacting with him, because he is a great guy, but I am not trying to date him or anything.
Yet tonight, as I struggled to get through what I was doing, he encouraged me so beautifully, and in the quiet, ‘I care about you,’ kind of encouragement, combined with the, ‘I am so proud of you for all you are doing for yourself right now,’ that it just touched me to the core.
Sitting at home later, I suddenly noticed that he was in my mind, and my mind was somewhat sad – I was okay that he wasn’t the someone for me, but his having been so perfectly wonderful with me tonight just re-emphasized the fact that I do not have that someone in my life yet (not in that capacity yet, anyway), and that I so totally want someone who will be like that, so caring and loving and calm and comfortable in his encouragement and help and love for me.
Suddenly, I wonder if I am all wrong in my interests, if something more like this guy is what I really want…, and then I remember that I have always wanted someone who is like this guy in the sense of being how he was tonight with the encouragement…. but that curl to the hair is risky cute.
Not that that’s actually news, though… we’ve known that from the start. 😂
Anyway… perhaps I’ll have lovely dreams that will sort out the remaining emotional stress from this, and I’ll have moved entirely forward by tomorrow when I awaken.
🙂
Post-a-day 2020′
hannah ananas 