Tag: self-expression

Only the best

Daveed Diggs makes my heart go kaboom, jumping up and down, spinning around in a chest explosion of dancing to a quick, funky beat…

He makes my throat feel jittery, and my spine prickle with total joy, and excitement.

He makes my entire being smile with pure delight.

And, when he smiles, I might as well be melting to the floor…

And – and this is a bit and – I could hardly say that I even know the guy – I’ve never met him, and I only know about him, really, rather than knowing him, himself.

And yeah, I don’t really see logically that anything ever would develop between us, for many, many reasons, which I have accepted rather easily (again, recall that we do not know one another, anyway.

However, what has struck me as extremely important about his presence in my life?

The fact that, if he sparks such emotions and physical response as no one in my actual life has ever struck for me, then I very clearly have not yet met the right men, the right man… anyone I have crossed so far has come nowhere near arousing such excitement and true joy within me (along with such a cool and comfortable calmness that he carries casually to me)… so, no wonder nothing has ever come of any of those interactions, relationships.

If it had, it could only have been settling, on my part.

And so, Daveed Diggs, in all his masterful and joyful and humble and gorgeous glory, reminds me, just by being himself, that 1)I must be always myself, 2)that is exactly how I will find the perfect partner in life for me, and 3)I must remember never to settle, and always to stand for the greatest and purest form of delight, joy, and utter love within me, when it comes to my relationship with a partner in my life.

Daveed Diggs, you are a beast, I love you in gratitude for all you are and all you share with the world, and I am extremely grateful for the inspiration and reminder you have provided me specifically in my life. 🙂

Thank you. ❤

P.S. Spectacular name, man! ❤

Post-a-day 2020

Under the same roof

My mom and her two brothers are all staying in my aunt’s house tonight (aunt is out of town) with me.

I think this might be the first time they’re all staying together – and even without their spouses – under the same roof at once in decades… perhaps even since they lived in their childhood home together.

The dynamic is partly totally weird and partly totally easy… kind of like, ‘Why couldn’t we have done this dynamic years ago?’

Instead of the regular struggle they all seem to have around one another, getting on each other’s nerves and all.

Anyway… it’s neat, and I like it. 🙂

And it makes me think of how my brothers and I all get along so well together.

Post-a-day 2020

Life

It is important to remember that life is a jagged line, not a straight one, going upward and onward.

Perfection is not reached with utter ease and constant perfection, but with ups and downs and huge strides forward and several steps backward, and either one could come at any given moment.

And that’s okay.

Life is a jagged line, not a straight one.

And that’s perfect.

Post-a-day 2020

Success, specified

How do you define success? 

Success is doing what you love and loving people while you do it.

That answer was from the glorious, adorable performer Anthony Ramos.

He is an absolute joy to watch, to hear, to feel through his performances, and I highly recommend taking note of him in the recent release of the recording of “Hamilton”, found on Disney+.

But that is somewhat beside the point here… the point is that his words in response to this simple question speak quite strongly to me.

I have never worded it as he did, but his words give exact language to my wordless thoughts and feelings on the subject of success…. success is not about money for me, not about social status nor fame nor beauty nor where nor how I live… as Anthony Ramos said (or, perhaps he wrote it, as it was a written article, and didn’t use quotation marks [nerd alert here]), success in my life is about doing what I love and loving while I do it.

Thank you for the words, sir… they are greatly appreciated. 🙂

P.S. Gosh, in a different world, I would love to learn to love this man, and for many reasons! Alas, he has found his partner in love, and I wish them all the best as partners to one another. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Bedtime chats

My head hurts, my upper neck is aching, my mouth is somewhat dry, and I can barely hold my body up and keep my eyes open…, yet I am extremely satisfied.

I somewhat spontaneously called a friend of mine who lives in Australia, and we had a lovely nonsense hangout chat while he grocery shopped (until his phone battery practically died).

Turns out that he hasn’t been doing a great job on managing his physical fitness this past year-ish, and so we might just have become check-in buddies for one another’s fitness.

While I am still super fit, technically, I haven’t been working out lately, and I really want to get myself back into it.

Having someone else work together with me, in a way, could be a wonderful step for this for me.

I was just thinking today and yesterday how I missed having a gym buddy, and how I kind of wanted a new one somehow…, and, perhaps, here one might be.

And, as he said, it also would be helpful for us in terms of putting us in regular, frequent contact again.

Long-distance friendships take effort, but they especially require both parties to be at least somewhat aware of the time difference… when only one friend knows the time difference, it adds for lots of confusion and little actual talking. 😛

So, anyway, we might have weekly check-ins with one another now regarding fitness…, and I think it might be just what I need and want right now.

That and sleep….

Goodnight!

Post-a-day 2020

He doesn’t drink, but…

I think I much would prefer to sue the phrase myself, and to have it go, “He doesn’t drink, and…,” instead.

…it’s fine by me.

…I don’t either.

…so what?

…I hardly even notice.

…I appreciate it.

…it really isn’t what matters most about him – there’s so much more than even bothering mentioning that he doesn’t drink.

So, yeah… perhaps he drinks and perhaps he doesn’t…, but I think I’m really liking this idea of his not being interested in drinking… I never expected that I would be in such a boat myself…, and I am beginning to see that we would do well together, if we both happened to be on the same boat….

You know what I mean?

Post-a-day 2020

Mental health and everyday love

Let’s talk briefly about a mental health oddity slash ironic circle of annoyance.

When I am struggling mentally, and I really just need some regular love from people, I start to reach out to people.

Say that I tell them that I am struggling, and could really use some love right now.

So, they start checking in, asking how I’m doing, and telling me they care about me…

Which is completely annoying and stressful, because 1) I only wanted some regular interaction and friendship love – nothing special or over-the-top emotional – and 2) it only reminds me of the fact that they weren’t interacting with me on the first place, showing me the regular love I so needed.

You see, when I feel the need to reach out for love, it usually doesn’t work to reach out… it, instead, only emphasizes the stress I was already feeling in my experience of being alone and unloved…, the experience that had me want to reach out for help.

And so, instead of asking for help when I am in need, I have, in a way, to trick people into interacting with me.

I’m not looking for any words of, ‘Hannah, you’re amazing,’ or anything of the sort… I’m just looking for those everyday expressions of love that we share with the people in our lives… the people with whom we interact on a regular basis… the kinds of relationships I tend not to find for myself very easily in adult life…

People just don’t with me… they don’t call me just to say hi, they don’t call me first for things, and they typically don’t reach out period… I am the one who reaches out, almost always in my life.

The only person who always checks in regularly with me is my mother.

I had one friend in town who did it, but she’s moved away now, so our lives don’t have our everyday hangout part anymore…, but I don’t blame anyone for that – we just don’t live in the same state anymore.

That one friend and my mom aside, though, I am the one who reaches out almost every single time in any relationship I have, friend or family.

And sometimes, it gets to me… when a whole bunch of other stuff kind of piles on top of one another all at once, the loneliness can hit me really hard… and I know that I need help…, yet asking for help in that case kind of defeats the whole purpose of asking for the help in the first place… thus the annoying circle of downward-spiraling irony…

Whenever someone calls attention to my need for love, be it be staying it directly or by saying how they wondered if I’m okay or if I needed anything, it just makes the whole things worse for me… it’s one area where talking about it doesn’t help, and actually makes things worse for me… it draws out my experience of being pathetic and unloved… it is embarrassing that I have to ask for signs of being loved…

So, I sometimes wonder if there’s a way to ask for help that says, ‘Hey, I need some love, but pretend I didn’t tell you this – pretend you just felt like talking with me, and so reached out to chat about nothing in particular…’

Does that all make sense?

Anyway, so that’s where I am tonight.

I could really use some love… love unsought, but nonetheless much needed.

Post-a-day 2020

So, it begins…

Today was the first day of writing for me.

I got myself signed up officially with a coach of sorts, and we began working together on Sunday.

By last night, I was ready to go for today with my first writing assignment on the topic that most called me.

Suffice it to say, I was surprised by what topic and book style called most to me.

See, it’s been really cool working with this coach, because she all sorts of coaching, including art coaching.

(Art coaching uses art to help sort out things in one’s life.)

Sunday, through the coaching, I got to write out a whole list of book style possibilities, and then I did an art coaching assignment with them all, in order to find which type of book most called to me… and I was blown away with how low on the list a novel was, and with what was way up at the top.

But, today and tomorrow and the next day, I have a specific writing task to go with this topic, and I will get to re-evaluate after the three-day assignment…, but I’m not sure I’ll want to change the selection – from the assignment today alone, I saw not only how much I have to say for this particular topic, but also how easily it all flows out of me… and almost in a flood of words being released, with style dropped out the window, and the information itself reaching for the page in front of me with an intensity I hadn’t realized was really there, waiting to come forth…

Anyway…, I’m enjoying it so far, and I am excited for the next to days especially, and the next few months as a whole. 🙂

Yay!, for getting things handled that matter to ourselves, right??

Right! 😀

Post-a-day 2020

Who I am

I am back home now (from my most recent traveling adventures to pursue and be with love and nature), and I am experiencing that odd yet familiar feeling I get whenever I live elsewhere and then come back to Houston… the one where it feels like all that time I spent away didn’t actually happen, and that that much time has my actually passed since I was last here… and that I, therefore, must not have changed in any way…

And, for a brief period of rising intensity of panic, I begin to wonder if I will go back to the person I was before I left, and my time and experiences elsewhere really will be erased from my life.

Then, somehow, I come to, and I take a stand for myself and how proud I am first to have accomplished all that I accomplished and second to be the person I am now.

There is stuff I do not like about being here in particular, and the concerns of ‘going back to how things were’ are real for me right now… I do not want to do that.

And so, I must and I will stand for myself and my goals and dreams in this life, and I will let these baller things sprout and flower in these coming days and weeks and months… and I can hardly wait for this garden I will have produced in the not-so-distant future in my life and in the world around me.

World, here we come. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Homophones ;)

I never quite understood what was going on in the song, though I listened to it multiple times… I attributed this to my lack of knowledge on the history being referenced within it…

Even when I watched it happen on the stage, and I listened carefully and understood almost every single word in it, I was still slightly lost… as I considered it afterward, I saw that it just still didn’t quite make sense to me – why such a title and then have the song be talking so much about what it was discussing?

I was guessing that it was showing how problems in the government’s leaders’ lives always had a risk of being life-threatening, and so there were two sides to being in politics at the time (and a third during the war itself, but from an enemy, not an ally)… thus the “dual” of it… the duality, would it be?

Anyway…

It suddenly clicked for me tonight, though, as I prepared myself for sleep, and contemplated Lafayette’s 19 words in under three seconds –

And I’m never gonna stop until I make ‘em
Drop and burn ‘em up and scatter their remains, I’m

…

Is it “duel” instead of “dual”?! I asked myself in sudden doofus–feeling inspiration.

I quickly checked, and, of course, it is, indeed, the “Ten Duel Commandments”.

Still a play on history and phrasing, but not in the way I was interpreting it… similar, but not really at all the same idea. 😂

Oh, the fun of spelling. 😛

P.S. Extreme gratitude yet again for the beautiful gifts that Lin-Manuel Miranda shares with the world at large… Thank you, good sir… 🙂

P.P.S. Daveed Diggs,…. dude… I kind of love you for your space of fun and for your spectacular precision. 😀

Post-a-day 2020