dating – Page 4 – hannah ananas

Completion

Well, I am extremely grateful that guy was willing, at least somewhat, to give me a bit of feedback on why he didn’t care to pursue anything at all with me anymore.

No, he never gave me a clear answer, but he did say somewhat that he was, in fact, interested in something on the dating and physical relationship side of things – you know, the side I had considered a non-option due to his having a girlfriend (the one who no longer existed, but I was unaware of that at first).

And so, I told him that I wished I’d known that sooner, as it would have made a big difference in everything for me, and that, oh, well…, too bad… let me know if you’d like to do a re-do… ::crying laughing emoji ::face palm emoji.

At that, I leave the situation comfortably.

Yes, I am still bummed at his not being straight with me and not really giving me a chance, once I did start to see where he stood.

Yet, I accept him for it all… I do not need to forgive him; just accept who and how he was… and I do, now.

This scenario and relationship are now complete for me, with all loose ends tied up.*

And I am grateful that I kept true to myself through this all.

Phew!

Getting better all the time, you know?

Grateful for the strength and love that guides me forward with all of this stuff in life.

Thank you, God.

Now, who’s next in line?

Because I’m ready for the next round of being myself in the face of no agreement. 😀

…….

*A joke that my Opa always shares with me came to mind just there… it’s how they would joke with one another as kids, playing with the literal meaning of the phrase used for ‘What’s wrong?’

Was ist los?

Alles, was nicht gebunden ist!

Hashtag Family of total nerds…

Post-a-day 2020

Surprise, surprise

Sometimes, I feel myself on very comfortable, sturdy, well-understood ground when I go into something.

And then, after I arrive, I discover that the terrain is nothing like I had expected it – and I can’t tell if it has merely changed, or if it is actually deceivingly treacherous…

Today, I am both grateful and proud to know that, when presented with such a situation, I comfortably acknowledged to myself my discomfort st the discovery, and then I actively took on staying present and analyzing what lay before me.

I remained true to myself and my own wishes – it with a bit of hesitation at times, I still did it – and I readjusted my feet and found my footing again…, and I can breathe oh, so well tonight because of it.

Aaaaahhhhhh…….. ; )

Post-a-day 2020

I love my city

I really do love my city. I spent most of the day today out riding my bicycle around it, and taking photos of things I like, so that I could send them to my buddy in Italy, so that he could see some of the everyday and the beloved that are part of my life in Houston.

(What a sentence!)

What’s funny to me right now, though, is that, though I did that and I exercised and I made delicious food and healthy and delicious juices afterward, and I sent the photos on, and I chatted a long while with a good friend while winding down just now…, though I did all of these things, and I was incredibly satisfied by and fulfilled by my day…., I suddenly am filled – in my intense sleepiness, as I prep as quickly as is possible for bed – with an experience of loss regarding that guy… I almost want to cry, yet I couldn’t say why specifically… but it has to do with him, I know.

It is much like the song I wrote the other day about loving my city, yet not wanting to be in it right now…, because I wanted to be with him, instead… I was just going through all of these awesome photos, and it was on my mind how much I love my city…, and then, bam… some utterly unknown tangent busts in this old topic.

I know it was a tiny affair on paper, but it wasn’t tiny for me, for many reasons… and I understand that it isn’t just going to go away – it is going in small steps, with every day involving less and less brainpower and attention occupied by thoughts of him and that whole situation, and also less intense emotions connected to all of it… but, even still, it doesn’t feel good when, after a whole day of being in great spirits about it, my guards of logic and consciousness begin to close down for the night, and I am whooshed by a sudden sad reminder of something I really wanted – something I expressed wanting – didn’t work out, despite my going for it.

I’m just going to sit with that for now… perhaps it is what will do me best, not to resist it or disappear it right away… perhaps it still just needs to be felt at times…

So, I’ll feel it…

Post-a-day 2020

Who’d’a thunk?!

There are lots and lots of ‘Who’d’a thunk?!’ going on in my life these days.

I have been contemplating even more, since not having my main source of income the past few months, my life and my career direction.

Where, how, and on how much money I live is somewhat baffling, when one considers where I was with things five years ago.

My long-time dream job became available recently, and I had the jarring reality check of discovering that it was no longer my dream job – who I am now is not the person who wanted that job. So, it’s kind of scary to re-evaluate and ask what my active dreams are now and for the near future, since all my previous goals are now invalid. 😂

I absolutely love who and how I am as a person, and I am extremely grateful for everything that has led me to my current point and has me continuing along such a beautiful path of pursuit in my life. It is just not where I would have thought things would go. At all. 😂

What’s more, the utter uncertainty of it all can be frightening at times…., but, perhaps, that is what courage is: to stand in a terrifying scenario and to forge on nonetheless, aiming for and working toward success in the pursuit…

So, perhaps, I am not being assured – or not absurd only – but courageous right now.

Perhaps I am absurdly courageous, full stop.

I think I’ll try on that cal for a while, and see what glories it produces, both mentally and in the physical life around me… it is likely to be quite the bit of adventure, I dare say….

Absurdly courageous… yes… yes, indeed.

Let’s do this. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Phew!

Okay, yay – this is exactly what I have wanted and needed these past several weeks.

I wanted a more definitive feel for the situation, and I now have it.

Sure, I totally cried really hard for a while, but it was what I was wanting… truly.

Now, I’m clear that it isn’t happening and that it isn’t meant to be (for now, anyway, but that’s good enough for me to be at ease about it).

I said what I felt I needed to say to let it go, and I am starting to be filled with this feeling of breathing deeply, and as though I hadn’t experienced such breathing for ages, somehow.

Ha.

It really is nice to breathe…

And, though it is an extreme disappointment that things are not working out as I had hoped, even wished, I have full faith in the World, in the Universe, in God… there is absolutely something better on the horizon.

This was an opportunity for me to learn, and I definitely have learned much from it… definitely.

(And I do not mean just a bunch of surface-level nonsense, but true and deep insight into myself and who and how I want to be and when and how I can be at my best, and what that means in terms of the people who are around me [on many levels] and the relationships and interactions we all have with one another.)

Yes, this has been quite valuable.

And I am so grateful to be able to let go now of the stress I was building within me because of it all…

Yes, it is lovely to begin to breathe freely again.

Thank you.

Post-a-day 2020

Every bit counts

I found myself going all sorts of places with negative thoughts the past few days, but then I realized and remembered something very important:

Even in the smallest of things, if people do not love and embrace and accept me for me, then those people are just not the people to be in my life.

Period.

And I am totally worth it.

It sucks when people don’t get that I am, and especially so when everyone except the people I want to get it get it…, but I am so worth it, I really needn’t worry… The love will come on its own, so long as I trust and allow myself to be true to who I am.

It keeps proving true, more and more so, every time I do it.

Inhale::::::: Exhale:::::::: Just Breathe, and be who I am… all will be well.

🙂

P.S. The bread thing happened again tonight… ::face palm

Post-a-day 2020

Date-lights and date nights

Approximately 8:30pm, I pull up on the Vespa to a stoplight, a Chevy truck in the left turn lane next to me.

We both see one another.

“Nice ride,” he says to me.

I laugh, lift my visor, and say, “Thanks,” enjoying the irony.

“What’s you’re name?”

“Huh?” He repeats, and I reply, “Hannah.”

“Alex. Nice to meet you.”

I smile, and, after a brief pause, add, “We have very different rides,” wondering how exactly my little scooter is so impressive to this truck guy.

“Yeah,” he agrees, and then adds, “Can I have your number?”

I give him a large grin, the light changing green, and I lower my visor, shaking my head while I drive away, chuckling to myself and smiling super big in my helmet.

THAT was adorable, I think.

I smile the whole way to where I am going, thinking of how funny it is, and wondering if it would be weird to tell the guy I’ve just asked out, even though it is funny and worth sharing.

By the time I walked in, this guy – not “Alex” – was pretty much the only thing on my mind, and I had entirely forgotten about the stoplight incident – I didn’t even remember to tell my mom about it.

… I still haven’t told anyone about it… I’m so weird about dating.

Unsure of how things were left after my date today, I expressed my bit of stress and frustration to a good friend of mine, and the tiny conversation made me feel a lot better, though it changed nothing:

Hannah: Uh! This is so stressful. Why do people date? I can’t take it. I can’t stop thinking about him, yet I feel like he’s just not really into me. Ugh!

Friend: Yea when you said “dating sounds fun” I was like well…. haha

Hannah: It SOUDS fun
Like how communism sounds fair
Haha

Friend: Liked the message, “Like how communism sounds fair”

So, yeah… I don’t think I offended him or anything, but I think I just wanted to spend so much more time with him one-on-one than I was given, and we didn’t clearly ‘end’ the date, because it just flowed into the next part of the day, with other people slowly showing up and around, and then I got all into my head about it for quite a while, and rather negatively so…

I got over it after a while, but it sucked for a good bit today, the craziness in my head and my extreme self-doubt.

It had me wonder if it wouldn’t be good for me to go out with people just to practice being denied and still being okay with it and with myself, like how I applied for the artist residency the other week, 90% sure it would not happen… practice in failure, so to speak, in order to help me release my fear of failure.

So, basically, maybe it could be good to ask out a bunch of super cute guys, give it my all, and be okay with the high likelihood of rejection, and then, eventually, with the actual rejection.

I don’t know… it’s perhaps just a thought, not a good or great idea…

Whatever the case, I liked being with this guy today, and I wish we could have more time together.

And as soon as possible, of course, because I struggle with this whole delayed gratification in this kind of scenario… oh, well… deal with it, Banana, right?

Right:

On that, I bid you a good night. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Are you game?

I am somewhat terrified (though not in any life-threatening way) for tomorrow and onward.

I don’t date people… I just don’t.

Men don’t ask me out, I don’t ask them out, and we don’t go out.

…

Yet, here I am, scheduled to meet a person for brunch – I also don’t go eat with people when I don’t know how they eat, physically (can’t stand smacking and all sorts of nonsense) – for, well, a date that, well, I asked him to go on with me.

Have I gone mad?

I am so particular, and also so panicky about all of this business…

We (meaning my friend) put me on the dating apps, and it stressed me out so much, I couldn’t take it.

And I didn’t even go on any dates from them(!), but I just needed to be removed from them.

And I think they scared me.

I have it in my head that things will be easy with the person meant for me, and that’s totally okay.

But I also have this desire to date people – like the concept of going on dates and being giddy and silly and flirty and having fun and learning all about someone else, and then also just having someone to go do something with me, to spend time with me.

One side of me wants to go date all over the place, but another wants to be reserved, to stay away, to wait with utter loyalty for the one meant for me…

The parable where the one guy goes and buries the money, while the other two invested their shares, and he returns just the original amount to the master, but the others return more, due to interest from their investments, and the master fusses at him for his poor judgement of what was best to do with the money… comes to mind…

If I sit quietly, safely, alone and underground, I will not improve upon myself and I will have significantly less to offer when that someone comes to retrieve me, so to speak – I would have so much less to offer my partner whenever we did get together.

So, it makes sense to invest myself, again, so to speak…

But I also am terrified of hurting the other person I date – I hate rejection, but I also hate rejecting… my usual tactic is to avoid the whole situation by figuring out ahead of any dating opportunity that the person and I are not meant for each other, and then making sure no date ever comes of it…

And I don’t want to be hurt myself… I don’t want to be rejected myself… as much as I don’t want to have to ‘let him down easy,’ as we say, I don’t want to be ‘let down’ at all… I’ve had enough of that experience in my life already, especially with guys… I don’t want any more of it.

But it is just like the job interview, as my mom and I always discuss before I have an interview… I want to get this, because I think it would be amazing, but I want to be true to myself and I want to get it because I am good for it – if I would not be good for it and would end up miserable in it, I want not to get it… if they do not want me, then it is good that they reject me, because it is not the place for me, and it is not a good place for me, either… If they accept me, it is because I am perfect for it, and things will be amazing… if they reject, it is because something better awaits me… I need not put any extra stress, emphasis, or meaning onto the interview (e.g. That I have to get this, or that it means I suck if I don’t get this, etc.)… however it turns out is perfect for me and my life, and I will be heading perfectly to where I need to be next in life.

This whole dating thing, I think can be like that for me… if we are meant to be together, we will be; if we are not, we won’t be…, either way is perfect.

We are on this date for some reason, and there is something wonderful to get out of it, including its being a wonderful opportunity to learn about and get to know another human being in the intimacy of a one-on-one experience (something of which we seem to do far too little in this life)… if nothing else, that is a good enough reason to go on this date.

I think that is actually why I wanted this date: He attracts me, and I want to see why, I want to learn about him, to satisfy the curiosity that called me so strongly to him as to want to spend one-on-one time with him.

Wanting to spend one-on-one time with someone doesn’t mean we have to kiss or have sex or anything at the end of it – it is truly just an opportunity to have uninterrupted interaction with one another… and I think that is one of the most important parts of this for me to get… I can go on a date and not have to kiss the guy at the end… and I can even talk about that with him, and even at the beginning.

It’s kind of like how I told this one friend-ish acquaintance straight up, “I’m not having sex with you,” and he understood and was not offended, and we still spent and spend time together, one-on-one, despite my clear declaration… hmm…

Wow… is it really an expectation of a kiss (etc.) that most stresses me about dating?… that I would be declared overly chaste and wuss and whatever afterward?

Hmm… I might have something there…

But what if I already do want to kiss him?… and I end up not wanting to kiss him later on, after we spend more time together?… is it okay to back away some, to remove the kissing from the table, while still being amicable, friends, even?

I guess that would be part of the conversation to be had to begin it all… establishing expectations, concerns, goals, and anything else that needed to be said before diving into the date fully…

Actually, I really like that idea… I had thought of it before, but not in such clarity and with such specific reasoning behind it… now I need to make sure this happens tomorrow, before our date begins fully…

Yes, I am game (and it seems like it will be very fun to play). 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

What a day(!!!)

Today was my cousin’s birthday, March 8th.

I spent it in one of my favorite places in life: inside a theatre during one of their final rehearsals.

I absolutely loved where I was.

I trusted myself to be myself, and I was myself.

And then(!) (And Thennnn, and, gentlemen, and Theeennnnnn!!!), I asked out one of the actors.

Yep.

I actually did that, asked someone to go out with me.

I met him over a year ago, and wanted to date him instantly, but he was unavailable.

I placed the desire and the somewhat intense, actually, longing way off to the back and side of my mind, and I moved onward in life, only just slightly and occasionally wondering a version of, ‘What if…?’ around him.

And then, this Friday, I learned that he was not in that committed relationship from over a year ago anymore.

And my heart and lungs did a sort of flex and surge simultaneously, and I suddenly couldn’t stop wondering if he were seeing anyone at all now…, if he might not be available…, if he might have the potential of being interested in me…

For I was clear that I was still interested in him.

I’m pretty sure I wrote about him on here, even, and I still would say the same points of interest again now – if not even more. (Yep, I totally did, though only briefly.)

And so, after rehearsal, I called him to the side, away from anyone else – because I was not having this conversation with anyone else around, but I could not let myself go another two days without knowing, without doing something about this possibly spectacular opportunity that had just presented itself to me – and I asked him if he was seeing anyone right now (“Nope”), and then asked him out (“Yeah. Definitely.”), and it was terrifying and relieving and totally lovely.

When my mom came walking past shortly afterward – I had been on-task for her, helping with props, when I had talked to him, and I still was working (not terribly distractedly) when she came by – I said to her only, “I asked him out,” and she chuckled slightly.

“And?” She knew whom I meant.

“Yeah. Definitely.” I couldn’t even try to hide the smile on my face, if I had wanted, it was so big. 😛

After we’d finished all of our tasks for the night, and my mom was accompanying me as I unlocked and readied the Vespa, she looked him up OnLine(!), and started telling me facts all about him… as if it weren’t already going to be hard enough for me not to think about him constantly for the next 48 hours until I see him again (and then, who knows how long after that, too), now she was feeding me all the stalker girl information I could want (and would have barred myself from researching myself, because I never research a person I actually like)!

So, that was nuts but delightful.

All of it, actually.

What’s more, I’m pretty sure he’s younger than I am (though not by much), so I’m kind of rocking the cougar train, I guess… makes it all the more fun, I dare say…, because it truly is fun…

For the first time, I feel like I am truly trusting and being myself fully in such a situation with a man – I have spent so much time being worried around men, for all sorts of reasons, and tonight, at last, I was comfortable with myself and confident in myself FULLY…, and I acted accordingly, and asked out what seems to me to be an amazing man.

At the very least, he keeps eye contact in conversation, and it melts your heart every time (well, mine, anyway).

Eat your heart out… 😛

(I mean that as an endearing phrase from a beloved film, and not as anything else, just so we’re clear.)

Man…, I am so freed for myself, and joyed at my being myself – go you, Banana.

I love you, and I am so proud of you for taking care of you today.

My kakizome for this year are 自信と心 jishin to kokoro Self-trust/Self-confidence and Heart… they are my intentions, my goals, my points of practice for the year, and I really experienced and emulated them today and tonight.

No matter what specifically happens with him, this is all going to be great, and it is definitely a beautiful step for me in being the person, the woman, I want to be. 😉

Bravery and Beauty, Banana… bravery and beauty… 🙂

Wow… what a day.

Happy Birthday to my Cousin, and Happy Day to Me!(!!!!!!!!!!!) ❤

Post-a-day 2020

Flaws and all

I – of course, because there seems to be little else I think about these days that isn’t connected to this general topic – was thinking tonight and today about what I am still not doing to be the person I want to be, in the sense of attracting the person I want to attract.

You know, be the kind of person you want your partner to be attracted to, right?

So, today at lunch, a family friend and I were discussing briefly his desire to learn German.

He said he needed a German girlfriend, because that was really the best way to learn a language, was to have a boyfriend/girlfriend who speaks that language natively.

I laughed and rolled my eyes a bit, telling him that I know everyone always says that, but we both know that I am extremely picky about men, so that has never been a very effective method for me.

(He, upon reading my palms the last time we had lunch, informed me that I not only was picky about men, but extremely picky, and then even compared the relevant marks to his own, for emphasis… it was hilarious yet utterly unsurprising to me – I already know that it is rare for me to be genuinely interested in someone.)

I then added that it makes it all the worse when I am interested in someone, and he is not interested in me.

The family friend then tells me that, well, there are always ways to turn it…, to turn the guy’s perspective and attention.

Now, I very much dislike the idea of manipulating people, however, this led me to the question of what I could ‘turn’ about myself, so to speak, so as to show up differently for this guy in whom I find myself interested – frankly, a bit absurdly interested.

In what ways am I not fulfilling being the person I want my future partner to be attracted to?

And so that thought led me to my consideration of my current position, sitting somewhat sprawled on the floor of my bedroom, leaning on a metal laundry basket with a pile of laundry overflowing on the other side of it, some laundry soap nuts and a book to my right, my feet propped next to a letter and a cowboy hat on a plastic storage container of sweaters, a foot roller and drum on my left, and a tube of henna hiding casually in its semi-temporary place on the floor beneath my legs… and, of course, the rest of my room out behind me comes to mind… my room is quite the miniature explosion, I must admit.

And I think that is what I am not yet doing to be the person – I have still not cleaned up my room (organized is really the appropriate word for it, for everything is clean, just a little scattered and, well, explosion-like).

And then it occurred to me that maybe that isn’t it… You see, I love having things organized and in their proper, logical places…, yet I do a terrible job of making that happen consistently.

I want to be that person who already has everything organized and in its place.

But I’m actually not that person, not right now.

One day, I hope to be that way.

But what if I stopped judging myself so terribly harshly at my not being that way now?

What if I simply acknowledged that I am not there yet, and I allowed myself to be as I am – to be messy?

It’s always phases, anyway… progressively messier, and then a sudden burst of organizing and sorting of everything, making it that much better than it was to start before the mess began this past time…

If I continue along this road as it is already, I will reach pretty darn organized in not too long, anyway, I am improving so much every time and the organizing phase happens sooner and sooner and goes better and better each time…

When I really think about it, I am not very organized in my room, and I like organization.

If I forced myself to get organized – for it would be just that, forcing – and then met someone, I can tell already how intense a pressure I eventually would feel at having to maintain the organization in front of him, simply because that was the side I declared so proudly of myself: I am organized and orderly.

And it would feel so false, having to maintain that.

I want my partner to know that I want order, and also that I have to work to have order, and that I sometimes might just need to spread everything out around me and embrace some chaos…

To go back to the start of this thinking, I want to be someone who is comfortable with who and how she is, and who is not ashamed of herself in any way, and who embraces herself fully, while striving and working always towards being her best self in every moment.

So, perhaps it is time for me to allow that I am messy, and I want to be organized.

And that I don’t have to be one or the other – I can be and truly am both. 🙂

So, yeah… anyway, I’ve had a headache almost all afternoon and evening, and I spent some intense time cleaning and organizing some stuff that has been sitting for quite some time in boxes in corners, stressing me out… so, I’m glad I did that, but I’m also glad that it is okay for me not to want to do any more right now.

I want to love myself, flaws and all.

And I want him to do that with me, too.

So, I am now tasking myself with loving and appreciating me for my flaws specifically for a bit, and considering how they just might not be flaws at all… yikes… here goes(!).

Post-a-day 2020