Tag: future

Tonight’s brain crowding

Three things:

Firstly, I know life isn’t fair, but it is different to be prepared for it regarding myself and having to witness the utterly hypocritical meanness of one person being directed unfairly and so harshly to someone I dearly love. Those are the moments when I most want to be loud and fierce, both verbally and physically. For now, I step away from the situation and aim not to speak much, if at all. I do not believe anything would be resolved by my outrage being expressed so directly. It’s part of the whole, ‘Why do you expect her to behave any differently than she always does?’ idea – if the person is always nasty, righteously self-centered, and hypocritical, what is one more nasty, self-centered, hypocritical action on the hundreds of thousands already passed? But it still hurts when I must witness directly those incidents, and when I must see immediately how they affect someone I love so dearly.

…………………..

Secondly, have you ever found yourself wondering if a person does not, in fact, have an extremely distinct voice, but, perhaps, you have only attuned yourself, intentionally or not, to notice that voice above the crowd? That that voice, perhaps, is not so distinct as a voice, but as the person behind it and his/her importance in your life in particular, perhaps??? Yeah…

……………………

Finally, I still hold that we get exactly what we need exactly when we need it, and that we end up exactly where we need to be exactly when we need to be there. Golly, it has been rough and tough this week. Someone asked if a lot of curve balls had been thrown my way this week, and I said that it was more like someone was throwing a bunch of basketballs at my face instead, in the middle of torrential rain and lightning while I held an umbrella… and there just weren’t any rules at all. He said it sounded like I was playing the wrong sport.

And I think that was the best line for me, both in terms of the positive comedic effect of it, and in terms of the idea behind it. Perhaps I had been playing the wrong sport in it all. You know, had my eye on the wrong ball…. Perhaps… So, I’ll look to see what I have been missing this week. Why has it been so hard, leaning toward desperate? What have I let myself get stuck on? What game have I thought the Universe was playing with me? How can I turn this all into fully-positive stress, instead of just semi-positive stress and a lot of negative, hopeless-feeling stress? God, give me the clarity to move forward with all of this beautifully and positively, please. Bless me with the courage to take on this stress with glee, like a beautiful math test – which, somehow, has come up in multiple conversations in the past few days….(WHY?????? Haha; love it, though!) – that I can hardly wait to take on and expertly master and sort out. Through You I do all – help me to be Your love fully, now and always. Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Have a little faith?

Sometimes, life just feels like it sucks… big time… may we, in those times, let go and let God have it all. God, into your hands I commend my whole life. I want so much to happen right now and in the very near future and throughout my life. And I trust that you will give me exactly what I and the World need, exactly when we need it that way. For whatever reason, I need to face these troubles right now. Help me through them powerfully, please. I trust and I trust in you.

Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Tea and honey(quartz)

I really hope I remember to make the tea with the protein powder before I leave in the morning… and pack my salad in the ice chest, and the ice cubes, which are actually whisky stones, which are actually honeycomb quartz… it will be the first time for me to use them. I’m still unsure as to what I am putting in the container to drink with them… maybe just water, since it likely will be hot where I will be working all daytime tomorrow.

I am in charge of wiping down just about everything before it gets put in the moving truck tomorrow. My grandmother has spent 91 years in residence of Port Arthur, Texas. Monday afternoon, she will arrive to her new home in a community in Wimberley. Talk about change… but we are thrilled for her, and she seems to be quite delighted about her decision, too.

Alas, I must sleep these four and a half hours granted to me now, before my alarm sounds in the morning. Goodnight!

Post-a-day 2021

Silly divine moments

We went to the opera tonight, and the show was a first-time opera of the children’s book A Snowy Day. In it, young Peter goes out to play in the snow all on his own for once. For the production tonight, he had to take off his pajamas and dress in the outdoor winter gear, in order to go play outside for the day. Watching that scene play out, I was reminded of one of my own favorite little oddities.

You see, I love – and no, I don’t know why – putting on a winter coat etc. over my pajamas and going out. In Japan, it happened regularly, either to take out the trash or to go see Fuji-San from atop the hill next to my apartment, late at night. I think I might even have done it one night just to go sneak some rosemary from a neighbor’s massive growth all along the side of his house, and also to go to the 7/11 down the street.

There’s just something about the contrast of it all that I love. Warm, cozy pajama-wear, with no bra, closed into a warm and cozy coat and scarf (and probably hat, too), wool socks slid into my big green rain boots… and then stepping outside into the cold, cold air, usually at night, always post-shower. Those were the times… haha… and I don’t even know why. But I don’t care. They were wonderful, and I am grateful for them. I look forward to the next time I have such an opportunity (as Houston has quite few cold nights in the first place).

Post-a-day 2021

A Fine Day, Today

I am still not clear of the depression, but I am significantly improved today. I got things done, and I enjoyed doing them. They went all wonky with order and finish times. And that was okay – I rolled with it with much ease and only a little strain. I know my body is dealing with a lot, and that’s okay. I haven’t been helping it with my food situation the past two-three weeks. (That’s been a bit of a bad positive feedback circle itself… and with sleep, too.) I have been improving on the sleep and the life-attitude parts especially, and am working on setting things up to improve even more, day by day. I started menstruating this afternoon, and that is a sign that my body will chill out a bit – read “loads” – in the next 12-24 hours, and I’ll not have to be physically aching to reproduce, constantly bombarded by daydreams of fit, wealthy, gorgeous men (I’m not saying that’s a bad thing to have on one’s mind, but it’d be nice not to have it shoved upon me at all times of day and night.) anymore. I am grateful for that. I always feel so crazy when my body does its last-ditch effort to reproduce… sigh

I am nervous about tomorrow. I am nervous about being seen as bad or wrong or evil. I am worried about being rejected in my human love and care. I am worried about being misunderstood. I am worried about being unacknowledged, unnoticed, ignored. I am worried about feeling like I am in trouble…. sigh….

Now, if I let all that go, now that it is acknowledged, I am delighted and excited about tomorrow! I can hardly wait to give my next gift to someone. I gave my Secret Santa gift tonight, and the person was delighted. We have a whole group text thing for all of our employees. We have a group just for the Secret Santa, too. But my person shared a photo and an adorable message in the group with everyone tonight:

YALL!!! LOOK WHAT MY SECRET SANTA DONE DID FOR MEEEE!!!!!

THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!!!!!!!!😊😊😊❤❤❤

Suffice it to say that, though I was bummed I hadn’t done a better job, it was still very well done and very well set up. And as a $10-limit Secret Santa gift, it was quite impressive. I don’t know if she knew I had given it to her – though my name was clever put on the calligraphy pages, as I have an actual calligraphy name stamp (but it is in Japanese, and stylized, AND the katakana of Hannah look like 80 in Japanese kanji…, so there’s a big chance she can’t and won’t read it) -, but I am excited at and satisfied with her excitement in the present.

Tomorrow, however, I have my fingers majorly crossed for the gift I am giving someone I care about and love dearly. You see, he kind of needs a Hawaiian shirt. Yes, need is loosely used, but somewhat applicable nonetheless. He also loves purple. Many purples don’t look great with his skin tone and eyes and hair – my mom and i have discussed this, of course. Hawaiian shirts don’t exactly come in purples that often either. So, it was a struggle not only to find a purples shirt, but to find a pretty, acceptable pattern and shade of purple, as well as a non-polyester-piece-of-junk shirt. The idea was to give him “flowers” for a performance he has. Those “flowers”, of course, would be the hibiscus flowers on the Hawaiian shirt. However, with all the purple nonsense – not that purples is nonsense, but the searching was silly -, the shirt we found is actually just mountains and clouds and palm trees… so, no flowers. Now, I am at the point of determining whether to include actual flowers now, and just wrap them in the shirt somehow, or to do something else comparable… I even considered getting white flowers, setting them in purple water, and letting them dye purple, and giving them with the shirt. But the whole point of the shirt was that it was roughly the same price as flowers would have been, so it really was instead of flowers…. So, i don’t know right now. I think I’ll go to bed and let myself be rested tomorrow morning to figure it all out.

Yes, I do that now, thank you. ;P

Post-a-day 2021

Tomorrow

“Remind me in the morning to get the newspaper from the mailbox for the practice writing”

“Done,” replied Siri.

We are doing a Secret Santa gift exchange at work, right? $10 limit. My person loves Pocky and Anime, so I got a Costco box of Pocky for $9, and I will be writing her name in katakana and in kanji on separate calligraphy papers, along with the katakana of the company where we work together on a third page. However, I need to practice a bit before doing the official pages. I don’t live near an Asian grocer, so I couldn’t easily pick up a handful of free newspapers like everyone usually does. However, I saw in the mailbox yesterday – no, I don’t bring in the mail daily, because there is not often mail, so I am not in the habit – the neighborhood newspaper. It is smaller than a regular paper, but its texture and consistency is quite similar to that of regular newsprint, making it a fine substitute for practicing calligraphy. Therefore, in order to do the gift tomorrow, I need first to practice. And, in order to practice, I need first to acquire some newsprint. Alas, I have a reminder in my phone to go grab the newsprint accessible to me and get started, first thing in the morning (after the early workout, of course). I look forward to it greatly.

(Today has felt wonderful. Also, we found a place to live! Well, a place we want and hope to live in the near future… We have submitted an application. We shall see what happens. Fingers crossed, and God, bless us, please, with this beautiful apartment and beautiful deal. Thank you for all. Amen.)

Post-a-day 2021

Depressively alone – alas, a prayer

Well, I think I actually accomplished a decent amount today, but I definitely don’t feel very accomplished. In fact, as I noticed earlier today, I have noticed symptoms of depression, especially today. I know that I am about to begin menstruating, and that always gives me an edge of somberness. But it feels like much more than that. I feel a sense of loneliness in my solitude throughout the day, and I struggle to do just about anything – even going down to the bathroom takes extra effort, and so I end up drinking less water – and that includes eating. While I recognize these signs, and I struggle to do anything about them on my own, I do know to reach out for support when I am like this. So, with much schedule-changing, I managed to have dinner with my dad, putting me into contact with at least one person today, and giving me a hearty and filling plate of caloric nutrition. I actually felt sick as I headed out to dinner, I hadn’t had nearly enough food throughout the day… or over the past couple days beforehand either. And my sleep has been short and poor… It gets harder for me to go to bed when I am feeling like this. One of the earliest signs of it all – wanting to call someone whenever I am alone, especially driving, and not being excited about getting to bed at night are two of the most obvious early signs of depression for me.

But I have started accomplishing things today. Tomorrow morning, I have two activities that I must attend – not the gym – and that likely will help me power forward with accomplishing things in my day. I’m hoping to get some calligraphy practice (if not the actual present) done beforehand in the morning, though I might just have tea and chill (or tea and coding practice/lesson) in the morning, since it’s already nine o’clock now, and I still have to stretch and read before bed. If I go the latter route, then I will do the calligraphy after the yoga and apartment appointments, and then go to the music concert in the evening. I hope it is chilly tomorrow. Chilly but bright days help me get going with things, because I get to dress up in cool-weather clothing, which I love. And Christmas clothing!

I even played ukulele tonight a bit. Twice. Only one song, but it’s a tough one. “What are you doing New Year’s Eve?” I really like the song, and I want to do a recording for this year on my own. However, I haven’t exactly been playing much lately, and there are a lot of silly chords (aka uncommon and not-so-eay, but not-impossible) chords throughout it. And the singing is tough, too, for one part. But it is a good challenge, and I think it might even be helpful to me right now. If I can plan to record it in the next week or so, then that will be helpful in my accomplishing things as a whole, I know.

I’ve been wanting things to be settled more before I dive back into working at the clothing shop regularly. I don’t want to commit to shifts until the last minute. That bugs me, but that’s where I am right now. I’m in a major FOMO space. I think it is because I feel so alone that, should someone invite me to do something, I want to be able to seize the opportunity. But then, when people don’t invite me, it kind of makes everything worse. It sounds like I need to go ahead and start working more again. Hey, even if I work the maximum hours allowed per week, it won’t even be 25 hours of my week. So, I need to get over it and just ask to work in the mornings on weekdays period. Ugh… She’s right, you know… Yes, I am aware… 😛

I think my fear of it was that I would grow too comfortable being the woman who works at this shop, and I would forget the woman who taught those kids… kind of like I had before… God, guide me, please… Help me to be clear exactly which path to follow right now, and help me to follow it with the confidence that you will remind me of what I need to know, exactly when I need to know it. Please, help me. Amen.

P.S. I realized earlier that 2020 was literally the longest year of my life. Truly, it was literally the longest. I am not misusing the word where “figuratively” should be used. I was in The Philippines for NYE 2019 to the first few days of 2020. That meant my 2020 began 14 hours earlier than it would have in Houston, Texas. Then, I was in Texas (Galveston, to be precise) for NYE 2020 to the first of January of 2021. How is this different from 2017, you ask, when I was in Japan for the start and Texas for the end of the year, a 15-hour difference to a regular year? Well, 2020 was also a leap year. So, my 2020 had not just 24 hours on any given year, but it had 38 hours more to it than any average year of my life. And that is pretty cool. The fact that it aligns beautifully with the bizarre events of the world’s drama just tops the whole things off. I love a good nerdy joke, and God and The Universe know it. Thank y’all for such a blessing as it was to discover that today, as well as for the year itself. 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤ OXOXO

Post-a-day 2021

Uhm, what?

Around 1:30pm today, I was worried. I hadn’t gone to the gym. I guess I had forgotten…, but how did that happen, I wondered? I thought back to when I went to bed last night, and how I got up this morning… and just a sec.. I did go to the gym this morning… What??

Yes, I had gone to the gym this morning. But so much had happened since then, I had felt like it was a totally different day already – the gym felt so, so long ago already. Bizarre, of course, but phew! I was worried there for a minute or two.

I was still restful today, but differently. I did accomplish a bit of the laundry this evening, which was a good start. Now I just need to progress tomorrow or Wednesday – going to help pack up at my grandma’s house out of town tomorrow. I managed important tutoring stuff this morning, providing help on literary analysis essays. I went to a stage production of Truman Capote’s “A Christmas Memory” with my mom at noon. It was great acting, to be sure, and we both enjoyed the little production and seeing a new stage. Though, I was exhausted and my eyes were closing a bunch throughout the show. Yes, I absolutely followed the whole thing, but my eyes definitely did not see the whole thing.

I can home and took a nap after the show, as I was so tired, and then went for my laser hair removal session. I had purchased what is called a Brazilian extension/extended area package. Aka -****Warning for real-body language coming up here**** – the labia, the anus, and the inner edges of the buttocks. However, I didn’t know about the labia part when I first got the package. By the time I tested how things felt and worked up the courage for myself, I had them start doing the labia, too. I’ve finished with all the rest of the lasering of hair, but now am making up for the lost time/sessions on the labia. It was really hard for me to say the words or loud for this, and I still am working on it, but I have improved much in my confidence, willingness, and comfort with the conversation and words, and I am grateful. The fact that I am writing this with real words at all speaks volumes to my improvement.

Anyway, I’m planning on a Secret Santa gift for a coworker. She likes Pocky and Anime, among other things. We have a $10 limit. So, I got her a Costco package of Pocky for $9, and am writing out three sheets of calligraphy for her in Japanese. One will be the name of our company in Japanese, one will be her name correctly written in Japanese, both of those using the foreign words alphabet, and one will be kanji of her name in Japanese (the Chinese characters that have the same pronunciation as her name in Japanese, and give a new meaning to her name with each character’s individual meaning). My mom and I both think she’ll enjoy it all, especially since she’s a huge anime fan. Usually, that spans a broad spectrum of just about anything tied to Japan and Japanese language. I hope she really enjoys them all. I know I would love such a gift! … Speaking of which, I wish I had people who thought out and planned it things like this for me more in my life. I love planning and plotting and, finally, giving gifts to people. But I sometimes end up just a little bit sad afterward, because almost no one ever does anything similar for me. Just my mom, really.

Anyway, in that somewhat sad note, I shall sign off for the night. I think I need to allow myself to experience this sadness, in order to allow it to be heard, at last, and to set it free. So, I shall sleep from here and feel the sad if no special presents for right now.

P.S. My mom and I celebrated Hl. Nikolaus day today together. We both brought each other things that had been ‘left’ with shoes in our own houses for each other. It was absolutely silly, but quite wonderful. I always loved December sixth as a child, and I’m glad I get to love it again. Last year, he brought me all the fixings for and a sewing machine itself. This year, he brought me spices, sweets, heart-shaped agates and stones, and some of the greatest leggings ever. I am quite grateful!

Post-a-day 2021