And so, the universe converges, yet again, and it looks as though I will be living, once again, with one of my best friends, in a city I love so much…, but in a new area of it.
It is time to explore, and not just this city, but myself and what we can create together, this Universe and I.
I can hardly wait…
But I must. đ
Post-a-day 2021
Have you ever agreed to do something, even been the one who suggested to do it in the first place, and then found yourself, only minutes into the agreement, feeling like it was a really bad idea? You suddenly feel a need to take it back, because you donât actually want to be the one fulfilling this specific task? And yet, you canât even quite tell why you feel that way?
It certainly can make for a very bizarre situation…
Post-a-day 2021
Exhausted, feeling slightly ill, I roll onto the bed. It is so very late, and there has been so much action today, my mind, body, and spirit are all practically brimming with tears. They need rest. They need the door shut. They need the fresh air and lack of stimulation.
And so, we shall sleep… hopefully, very well.
Post-a-day 2021
Sometimes, one of the hardest things in life is being not useful, not being used – being available and offering to be of use, but having everyone deny the offer. Yeah…, sometimes, that can really, really suck.
And, on the flip side, sometimes, one of the most fulfilling things in life is being of use, being used.
Oddly enough, either end of that spectrum can be exhausting…
Post-a-day 2021
This has been a week of compliments for me. First, the perfection butt. Then, my singing and song-writing…., a few times. At a restaurant tonight – we went for margaritas, not for food -, as I was walking back to the table from the bathroom, a waitress said something to me. I thought that I must have misunderstood, so I replied with a few blinks, a frown of confusion, and a, âWhat was that?â She then repeated herself.
I had not misunderstood.
She had said, and this was not our waitress, but one I hadnât seen until this point, âWoah…, your body is awesome.â
I thanked her, and continued my way back to the table, contemplating my many responses to the situation.
I ended on gratitude and excitement and encouragement. đ
Post-a-day 2021
The visitation and rosary and family hangout afterward all went really well this evening and tonight. I kind of only touched my emotions on the sad part of the emotional spectrum, and I feel like they might kind of explode outward tomorrow…, but I guess thatâs okay. Hopefully, Iâm able to make it through the reading reasonably well. Iâll be doing it in German, which was his first language and our extra special bond, just the two of us. So, I shared that I would like to do my reading in German, and print the English in the worship guide. It was approved with flying colors by the ones in charge. However, our cousin the priest, whoâll be saying Mass, told me to mention what I was doing and why I was doing it just before I began the German reading… that part might just be my emotional undoing…, so, we shall see on that part. Perhaps Iâll be so nervous about its being my first reading in a Mass, I wonât even notice the emotions that usually would arise for such a statement.
Anyway, at the family hangout tonight, after everyone had been eating a while, I went around and handed out the party favors, as I called them to myself. They were pains au chocolat, the French pastry that I usually call chocolatines, which is the name used in Southern France. As I passed them out to everyone, I said on repeat, âBecause everything is better with chocolate, especially pain.â
Some of them got it immediately. Others took a few seconds or a couple minutes, and got it once they realized I was repeating the same phrase to everyone, which suggested something important in the message and word choice. A few definitely did not get it…, but they did like the pain au chocolat I offered to each of them.
(The irony, of course, is that I actually donât like chocolate. I do love chocolatines, though [pain au chocolat]).
Post-a-day 2021
At the gym today, someone asked me what I had noticed as the biggest difference from having been at the gym for so long. I immediately thought of my muscles, the obvious strength in my shoulders and arms – a strength I love to see whenever I pass a mirror -, my near constant touching of my own muscles, the shape alteration of my hips and waist and thighs, the lines (as we call it) on my leg muscles… but those all seem like small things to me, and none stands out as significantly more prominent in my mind than the rest. Perhaps it is my energy levels or my endurance capabilities. Or perhaps it is how I no longer just feel comfortable in my own skin, but I feel capable in it…, ready to take on anything, bidden or not…
I really wasnât sure, and I thought on it for quite a while this afternoon and evening. However, when I was preparing to take a shower, I went to take a look at my body. Naked and tired from having been worked hard this afternoon at the gym – I felt like fighting someone, so I went to the gym, even though I had planned to go tomorrow instead of today – it stood its ground nonetheless. What stood before me looked nothing like a tired body. Truly, what came to mind when I saw it was simply the word, âwomanâ. It was woman as she was designed to be. It was the young hunter-gatherer of a clan from so many years and generations ago, when we first became the ingenious homo sapien sapien. It was Ayla from The Earthâs Children book series.
And I realized that that was the greatest difference I had noticed in myself since joining the gym. When I see my naked body now, I do not frown at the shape, nor find sorrow in the excess fat areas. I see simply woman, and I am both grateful and proud to be the host of that woman. I have worked long and hard, and I shall continue to do so, because it feels not just good but right to be this woman. This is part of who Iâm meant and made to be. And I am grateful.
Post-a-day 2021
I go to the workout today. We start with a warm-up, then move into strength. The strength work is squats, and then supersets of 60 seconds of plank and then 60 seconds of continuous Good Mornings.
I am doing the Good Mornings. My shirt was discarded a while ago. The coach (and gym owner) corrected my stance a bit at my first round of Good Mornings. Everyone is in different places around the gym, working on whatever part where they each are.
The coach comes walking up to me, doing his sideways stance, head dropped slightly, as though conspiratorially – his usual stance when speaking so that only the one person receives the information.
âIâm gonna say somethinâ…,â he begins. I am immediately nervous. What did I do wrong? Am I doing wrong? â…I donât want you to take it the wrong way…â
Shit. I messed up somehow. What did I do wrong? Is it about my not wearing a shirt? Is it too much? Wait… other girls go shirtless, too…, though I canât recall who at present…, but some do, Iâm sure of it… maybe that Iâm not pushing hard enough to have ditched the shirt, so itâs just too soon isnât he workout to be in just the sports bra up top…?
âWhat??â I say more than ask, resignedly, looking at him sidelong, my face set in obvious trepidation.
He looks me in the eye, and then says, calmly and gently, and completely genuinely, âYour butt…â He makes a sign with his hand, pressing the first finger and thumb gently together, extending the others outward. It is the sign that is common for describing something, usually food, as âperfectionâ. He makes a corresponding shape with his lips, and tilts his head slightly to the side in the same motion.
My eyes gape. âREALLY???â I ask him, like a kid whoâs just been told that Santa Claus wants to meet him.
He nods, reaffirming the hand motion and head tip.
Tears are almost instantly at my eyes. âYouâre gonna make me cry!â I declare, eyes brimming.
He tells me not to cry, that I shouldnât be upset – itâs something to be happy about. I tell him that I am extremely happy and that they are tears of joy and gratitude. He understands and believes my obvious honesty.
âI tell people, âI made that,ââ he then says.
I laugh and immediately declare, âYou did!… You totally did.â
After class, I thanked him for having shared with me. I have worked very hard, in many ways more than just physically these past two years. The past six months have been a near explosion of finally seeing and experiencing some of the goals I have had my entire life, regarding my physical fitness. Some of them were even just dreams, not goals. Yet they realized nonetheless. And, basically, all of it was made possible because of him and his training and coaching and support. Yes, I put forth the effort, but he provided the tools and guidance and support for almost all of the physical stuff, and a good chunk of the mental stuff, too. (Heâs also the one who turned me on to Goggins, by the way.)
He also happens to be one of the fittest and, truly, sexiest people I have ever known. (No, no Eros attraction to worry about. I am merely describing his physical appearance here.) And I know how hard he works for that fitness for himself.
And he, of all people, complimented my buttocks. And not just any compliment, either. It was a You say it best, when you say nothing at all, silently communicated âperfectionâ compliment. He thinks my but is perfection. Sh** all else, if that is not one of the greatest and most powerful compliments one could receive regarding efforts like I have made. (Haha. I know, itâs a terrible phrase.) He knows how hard I have worked, and he helped me to see a success today that I had not known that I had.
Afterward, I took a photo from the side, just standing normally. And, wow…, I agree with him. It looks like a butt model for pants, the photo.
I have extremely high expectations for myself. It was valuable beyond compare today for me to hear such feedback from such a knowledgeable person on the situation. I have been frustrated a lot about my struggles and failures elsewhere on my body and in my performance lately. And so, it was nice to have a stellar success pointed out to me, and by someone whose opinion I cannot disregard (even if Iâd wanted to do so).
Thank you, gym. Thank you, owner. Thank you, butt. And thank you, God, for this beautiful combination for my life. Thank you, all.
Post-a-day 2021
Yes, it is feeling uncomfortable in just the right, exciting way. I have trusted the feelings and pulls in a certain direction, and it has been wonderfully terrifying so far, and in many, many ways. I started karate again, because I wanted to be more like Hanna, from the Amazon series. She is utterly bada**, and has major skills on the battlefield, so to speak, and I wanted to train myself for many of those skills (but just have zero desire actually to destroy people). But it was through a series of other minor events that I ended up re-finding karate. I reached out to the head of the organization, and now, only a few months later, I seem to be fully involved in it, and not just by doing karate.
I have become an unofficial official photographer for the organization now, as well as copy-editor/copywriter, and I Love them both. Plus, Iâve been practicing for upper level belt tests, because Iâm going Goggins, as I call it, and am planning for the hardest stuff, and doing more training and preparation and effort than is necessary, normal, or, even, reasonable. And Iâm loving that, too.
I see where I can step up my game, and I am working toward making those improvements happen effectively. And I am delighted.
Post-a-day 2021
I started writing another song last night. It was initially to help me organize and express some thoughts around the work situation within my life so far – how it isnât exactly consistent in terms of title or finances, but it is always part of being my true self and being committed to making a positive difference in this world. But an unexpected line showed up right at the end of the session last night, and it was clearly part of the chorus. It was a line about listening to the angels around me. And it made sense, but seemed almost out of place for the content so far in the song…
Until today, that is. Today, for whatever reason, a deeper fullness arose for the song. My mom and I discussed the situation with my Opa, how he is dying, and how he might finish that process in the very near future. It is an uncomfortable thought, itself, but we both are ready to allow what needs to happen next in the situation. At least, as ready as we know how to be…
However, after she and I discussed their things for a while, and then got off the phone, I started working on the song again, as I had just begun before our phone call (I think I had, anyway). As I got reacquainted with what Iâd written so far, I started feeling what ideas needed to come next. I was reminded of the encouragement my Opa had given me one day, and felt immediately that it was perfect to use for the song, as it expressed what I was wanting to express… and then the idea fleshed out a bit…, and, without realizing it, the song had a deeper meaning.
Not only am I listening to the angels around me, having them call me forward in life, but a new one has just joined them, and he has given me further encouragement to follow this path I am forging in my life. Every time I sang that part of the song, I could barely get words out by the middle of the verse, and had to stop altogether for the tears and emotion that arose. And I think the words communicate beautifully in the song, even without someoneâs knowing the whole situation.
Anyway, I look forward to finishing that song, but, boy, is it going to be a tough one, emotionally speaking.
Post-a-day 2021
hannah ananas 