We were friends in middle school, and our lives have overlapped ever so slightly, like tiny tangents on a Venn diagram, since we parted ways for different high schools. However, those touches have proven always powerful and impactful.
This time, I didn’t wait for coincidence to bring us to the same place at the same time. I set up a phone call, both to ask a specific question and to hang out and chat. And it was well worth it. We only hung up because I kept yawning so much, and had to be up really early the next morning. Otherwise, we likely would have kept going much longer.
Thank you, God and Universe, for this so unexpected gift. This has been a wonderful blessing to end this day. I didn’t want to be alone today. And so, now, I wasn’t. Thank you.
*Siri said it is actually about 1,639 miles away by car.
I believe you can hear me, you feel me, and you know me…, and you respond to me. Thank you. Please, comin the to guide me, that I might be the love that is needed in this world, that we might heal those I meet with this love that is The Universe and God itself. I know you hear and feel my prayers. Thank you. Let us continue.
Post-a-day 2021
P.S. ^ It’s been nice, completing this fifth year of sharing with the world daily.
I went to a different Mass than expected this weekend, but it was the one toward which I had had a sort of tug earlier this week. I had planned to attend a different Mass, and had this one as a back-up plan, and the back-up almost didn’t even happen – ate crappy food, and felt horrible all afternoon today, like I was about to pass out from exhaustion or hurl from the food at any given moment. But, despite feeling crappy in my belly, I knew I wanted to go to Mass this weekend – something about it just felt right, despite my body’s feeling so wrong today.
So, I sucked it up, and made the Mass happen. And, you know what, I not only saw someone who made me smile, but, after seeing that person, this absolutely gorgeous guy I’d met a couple years ago came walking in, and he sat the row behind me. (Eek!)
I felt like a high school girl, I swear. Lots of letting go of eekiness alongside all the emotions I experience throughout a beautiful Mass… silly, but also fun. I didn’t get to talk to him or anything, but we acknowledge each other’s presence both when he arrived and during the peace offerings. I told my mom that it was both exciting and slightly upsetting, because, yes, he was there, but he was there only at a distance, in a way. She said it was like a museum: Enjoy and admire the beautiful art, but you can’t touch it and you can’t take it home with you. Very true, Mom. Very true.
What I will say about his presence at Mass, though, is that it felt like encouragement, like a small reward, for my being there, that it was, indeed, the right place for me to be. Like God said, ‘See? Good things show up when you go where you are called.’
And that part felt very good and loving and encouraging. For it all, I am grateful. And, of course, I am very open to seeing him more regularly, God and Universe. 😉
For now, though, I thank you both. You hold my life and my heart with such grace and tenderness, and I am grateful. Please, help me to continue to step forward into what is next for me in this life, that I might be the love and creativity that I am here to be, to my full ability. Thank you, God and Universe.
In the Spring of 2015, Blue Bell closed production and recalled all of its products from stores. The Southern staple remained entirely absent for the following few months, and many were concerned about the possible permanent shutdown of the Texas company. It had been around for just over 100 years (founded 1907, I believe), and was a prominent fixture in the lives of moth Southerners. We felt a personal hit by the closure – even those of us who rarely even ate the ice cream anymore – and we all felt the risk of losing a whole piece of ourselves, should the company shut down permanently.
However, on August 31, the first phase of redistribution began, and Houston was graced once again with those beautiful tubs of ice cream on its grocery shelves. Once things calmed a bit, and it was again an accessible commodity – though the ice cream sandwiches took another few years to return to grocers (April of 2019!!) -, a friend of mine decided to throw a party. She especially was beside herself with joy at the return of Blue Bell. So, we all gathered somewhat spontaneously at her house one Saturday evening to revel in the delights of ice cream.
Of course, ice cream doesn’t exactly make for the greatest of meals. However, such forethought is not exactly one of this particular friend’s fortés. Therefore, amidst the indulgences of ice cream and happy conversations, it was determined that pizza would be the easiest solution, mid-party. So, we ordered some pizzas to go with our Blue Bell. Thus began our yearly celebrations of what we unintentionally called for years “Blue Bell and Ice Cream”, but technically had named “Blue Bell and Pizza”. (Now I remember what we named it, and know that we accidentally said it wrong for years without noticing. However, I prefer our Freudian initial naming, and so still use it most of the time.)
Alas, tonight was our yearly celebration, and so I, once again, had my yearly serving of Blue Bell Cookies ‘N’ Cream, and had some fancy schmancy pizza that was gluten-free yet delicious. (Naturally, I feel terrible compared to how I typically feel on any given day. However, it’s only once a year, so I don’t mind it too much. Especially when it means I get to dive into my historical regional identity for a bit, and also reminisce on some great parts of my childhood.)
So, Happy Blue Bell and Ice Cream, folks! Seven years strong, and we finally have real ice cream sandwiches again! (Seriously, if I’d gotten a box of those, I’d have eaten almost the whole thing myself. And I only say almost, because I know my mom would have demanded at least a couple for herself. Those things are spectacular, and slightly addicting. No joke, either.)
Precautionarily for the expected wind, rain, and flooding, school for today was moved to asynchronous learning yesterday afternoon. So, I sent out e-mails to my classes to let them know their assignments for today, and just checked in every so often to answer the few e-mails I received from them with questions. I did one make-up test at noon – which was fortunate to be digital, as the student had broken a finger, and so struggles to write right now -, but, otherwise, I rested much.
And boy did I need that rest.
The gym was closed for the morning classes, due to the intense rain and wind, so I didn’t even exercise today. (I suppose I exercised my freedom of choice by choosing to be restful.) I only had to be up just before eight to send out those e-mails. Though I woke naturally at four, my body let me use the bathroom quickly and then pass back out. I only awoke to my alarm after seven, telling me to send out e-mails. And then, I went back to sleep for another little bit, and resting in near-unconsciousness with eyes closed for an hour-ish before getting up for real for the day.
I dressed cozily, had some easy, warm food, listened to my current audiobook, and, after that test, went to go through paintings with my dad.
Today was oddly simple, yet very satisfying. I think the work I did was exponentially beneficial, and so was much more impactful than it would seem initially. Thank you, God, for such a blessing today.
I am cold, but not ashamed, sitting naked on the floor.
I have been putting together ideas for how to approach a particular class that I’m teaching. You see, I absolutely love teaching – I can’t stop getting excited about it, when I have the opportunity actually to do it. I just love teaching and helping people learn things. And teaching foreign language, despite its struggles, is one of the most exciting things I have ever been able to do in my life. I really wish that I could devote more of my life to doing just that: teaching foreign language.
I think I always got so frustrated with teaching, even though it was mostly foreign language, because of the books I had to follow. I would do my best to use the books, but despised how terrible they were, not just in terms of accuracy, but in terms of how ineffective they were in creating someone who genuinely could say, “I speak this language.” And so, I would make a belated effort to come up with something better, while keeping on track with the required timing of the course, and covering whatever silly info the book had thrown in as ‘important’ for the course. Actually, of the courses – I was never just teaching one, but usually three to five courses in French, all at once.
And I think that that is how I grew so exhausted. The frustration combined with the inefficiency and knowing that I could do so much better, if only I had the time. Yet, when summer came around, or any other longer break, I was already too exhausted to do anything about it all, and too overwhelmed by the frustrations and inefficiency in which I had been living for so many months already. It was easier just to give up. And, eventually, it was easier just to walk away. The state requirements were too stupidly set up for my efforts to be worth it on my own, it felt.
And yet, there was something else. Something I hadn’t realized until, perhaps, this week… maybe, even, until today.
I had not found a place where I truly wanted to put forth the effort. I had not found a school for which it felt my efforts would be worth it.
And yet, as I mentioned, though I never take work home with me, I am sitting here on the floor, most likely at home (because I’m definitely not sitting around in my office naked), working. But this isn’t work for me. It is something I am excited and impatient to do. So, I am doing it. Well, I was doing it. Once I hit the point of being done for now – no longer thrilled by it -, I closed up shop for the night. I likely will revisit it all tomorrow and Saturday, and possibly will go in to school on Sunday or Monday for the more “work” part of it all, the labor that isn’t so fun, but necessary for it all to be great.
And, you know, I excited about that. What kind of weekend is that? A wonderful one, filled with a sense of accomplishment and helping make the world a better place, and making a positive difference in the lives of those around me, on the lives of people I love.
So, I can hardly wait to get back to work. For now, though, Imma get up, get dressed, and get to sleep, because I’m exhausted.
Goodnight, all.
And may God and The Universe bless us all with love. 😉
P.S. If you got that song reference, it is extra fun, because I really have been torn about all of this teaching stuff lately. I thought I had left teaching for good…, but then I got an e-mail and phone call this summer, and here I am, teaching for the semester… and loving it in the most ironic of ways.
Tonight, I partied hard.
Well, sort of. Tonight, I went to an open hoise for a circus arts place to see my friend perform. Afterward, I got to learn some basics on the lyra. Both were spectacular.
After that, she and I joined a few of her circus world friends for their late dinner. I then checked if someone I knew who frequented the restaurant-bar across the street happened to be around. This was the second Saturday in a row that I ended up in a place right next-door to that restaurant-bar. This time, I was on the other side of it from last week. However, he was not there this week either.
So, the circus friend and I headed over to the house of two of the people from the late dinner. We hung out there together, and partly worked on the beginning of a stressful puzzle. Once I had accomplished something satisfying, I went home. It was after one in the morning. I haven’t been out so late doing things in I don’t know how long. I am utterly exhausted right now, but I’m still working on everything I need to do before I can go to bed comfortably. I was on a Zoom hangout briefly, on the way to the house of the people, and the people on the call were laughing at how I was out and about so late at night. It was already around 11 PM, and I typically am in bed by 9 PM at the latest.  we all found it hilarious that I had been surprised to see so many people out walking around in the area. It was my own neighborhood, and I had had no idea that so many people were out walking around so late on a Saturday night. It certainly makes sense, but that didn’t make it any less surprising, seeing as how I had never seen it happen until tonight.
All in all, it was a very nice night, but it went way too late for my taste. Nonetheless, I am glad I participated in it so fully. Thank you, God and Universe, for this opportunity. Now, I pray that I be able to rest fully tonight, despite the fact that it is currently after 3 AM, which is practically when I normally wake up every day.
Post-a-day 2021
I am taking a trip tomorrow, and very early on the morning. I intend to be at the airport at 5:00am. So, I need to leave the house about 15-20 minutes earlier than I usually do, when I go to the gym.
I am going somewhere entirely new for me, somewhere I have never been. I am staying with someone I barely know and whose habits and way of living are almost entirely unknown to me. The person is a male dentist and homosexual, so I think the two bode well for a clean living space. (That and the fact that I saw a photo of him on his bathroom, showing me an outfit once, and the bathroom was tidy and seemed clean.) However, I do not know for sure.
I do not know the specific plans for the days and evenings and nights. I think we are supposed to be going out at some point, even, to hang and be social and hear music and dance around… he even has a date for me…
I don’t know what or how we will be eating, or when. I don’t know when he goes to bed or wakes each day, or what his intended times are for this trip.
I’m not sure he has any idea of my regular sleep schedule…
And I scheduled this trip all of a sudden one day, when Southwest was having a sale. I considered it briefly, then reached out the next day and booked the flight.
Who on Earth planned this trip? Certainly not the Hannah I know… She is much too cautious to do such a thing without having a better understanding of details on all fronts.
Dear God and Universe, please, help me to have a safe, wonderful, fulfilling trip this weekend. Gratitude and love abound in me – help me to share them with the world around me this weekend, please.
A couple years ago, a certain job opening was made known to me. For years – maybe ten? -, it had been my dream job. But, on that day, when I was stressed at learning of its becoming available, I had a great talk with my cousin to help me sort through what was going on inside my body and mind.
As it turns out, I didn’t want the job anymore. Who I was was beyond the job. I had outgrown the dream. And I don’t mean in age. I just mean that who I had become at this point in time was more than that dream, more than the person who had had that dream ever imagined she would be. I had outgrown that person and that dream.
And, though it was a tad stressful at first, it turned it to be a wonderful thing, much better than the dream the job had once been.
Today, walking the running/walking trail loop at the park, a girlfriend and I were nearing the area with pull-up bars. Growing up, and even as an adult, I had always dreamed of being one of those guys – as I only knew guys who could do it – who could walk up to a pull-up bar at a park and just do a pull-up, like it was no big deal, and then continue on their way, returning to their different reason for being at the park in the first place. They weren’t there for pull-ups. It was just fun to do a pull-up whenever a bar was around like that, right?
I longed for that for myself in life.
I doubted that I ever would reach such a goal, but I never gave up hope entirely. When I finally got myself sorted emotionally, and had joined my current gym, my doubt lessened, at last, but did not disappear.
Now, remember how we were about to reach the pull-up bars on our walk today? Several years ago, at those same bars, a different girlfriend wanted to attempt a pull-up. She absolutely could not do it, so I told her to bend her knees and let me assist. I might have assisted in lifting her more than her own arms did. It was comical, but still satisfying for both of us, because she had experienced her first pull-up of any kind.
Those same bars always remind me of that friend. (She had joined the gym with me, but she moved out of town after about a year. At that point, she and I both almost could manage a real pull-up. Depending on whom you asked, we both got it. But I don’t really count it. 😛 ) So, on a whim today, I asked the friend with me to do a video for me, so I could send it to that other friend.
We went to the bars. They were super hot. I had to adjust my palms to the heat of metal that had been baking in the sun all day. After a matter of seconds, though, I figured I could stand the heat enough, and we started the video. I grabbed onto the bar, dropped my feet from under me, and did a few pull-ups. Four was all I did, as I doubted another was in me at the time. I said as much, and we laughed about it, as we headed back into our walk.
It wasn’t until I was thinking about it later, after the walk had finished, that I realized that, well, I had just achieved a dream of mine. And not just any dream, but a long-time, doubt-filled dream of mine.
So, why hadn’t I noticed? Why was I more excited about remembering that I had even had a dream, than achieving the dream itself?
And I realized: because I had outgrown the dream.
At the gym, after every work-out, I do a maximum effort set of pull-ups. From the day I got my first pull-up (though I did two rounds of that one rep), I have done this. For a long time, that max effort was one rep. Then, it became two. Then, it was two or three. Then, it was mostly three. Then, it was four or three. Today, after the morning workout that had had 45 reps of banded pull-ups (in sets of nine) in it, it was five.
I once dreamed of being able to do a single pull-up at any time, anywhere. After a few months ago, though, that dream transformed into ten pull-ups at any time, anywhere. So, doing a single pull-up in the park was no big deal for me today. But it was a big deal for me for most of my life.
So, where do I go from here?
Forward, just like my kakizome for this year says.
You see, I think dreams, rather than merely being a destination, are really just a starting point. As we grow in who we are, so do our dreams grow. What seemed colossal at one point in life, suddenly seems minuscule later down the road. But the colossal dreams we have today would have been too much for us back then. We needed those earlier dreams in order to help us become who we are today, to help us create these new, even larger dreams. Without the relatively small dreams, we never would have made it to the big ones of today.
So, yeah… I think dreams aren’t a destination. They are a starting point.
hannah ananas 