Tag: men

Rest in the knowledge

‘I mean, I love him, but if he’s not going to take his fitness seriously, then it’s not ever gonna happen,’ she says with casual comfort and clear honesty. ‘If he won’t even stretch, then no way…’ She is not upset in what she says, nor is she concerned. For her, it is clear that, if he isn’t the one, then he just isn’t the one, and she’s totally okay not spending any strain, stress, or brainpower on wishing, hoping, or dreaming for him to be the one. If he’s not, he’s not, and there’s someone better out there. If he is, then he’ll make it clear that he is, which will include caring about his well-being and honoring his own body. How can we love another, if we cannot love ourselves?

Be not afraid. God is with us, even and especially when we feel so utterly alone on the partner/relationship front. God, grant me the serenity to be your love in the world, even and especially in the face of no agreement in my life. Help me to do what only I can do to share your love in the world. Help me to fulfill on all I am capable of doing in this life, through your will and help. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

(Still have to think about that year…)

Gratitude, Dude

I was a bit nervous leading up to today, as I was going to be subbing with the boys again. It had been a while since I’d been with this school, and I’d gotten accustomed to working with the girls lately. I was slightly afeared.

However, by the end of taking role in my first class of the day, I was clear just how perfect it was that I was there today. I love these boys. Within the first few minutes of class, without even trying, they had made me feel so unequivocally at home, I was feeling a sense of total ease, belonging, and love. Yes, they are dopes. And I absolutely love them for it. Don’t get me wrong here: Girls are great. But there is just something about how I’m made that just has the boys feel so much more right for me. Even as a kid, I was more comfortable playing with and being friends with the boys than with the girls. Perhaps it was due in part to my siblings closest in age being boys. I always felt more distant from my sisters, what with there being a nine-year and 11-year age gap between us. Compare that to the three boys that were only seven, six, and four years older than I was, and it makes a bit more sense that I ended up a total tomboy throughout my childhood. I also just prefer the honesty and directness of males, as well as their willingness to be goofy. That makes a big difference for me, too, and played a big role in my seeking out male friendships over the years and to this day.

Anyway, thank you, God, for this blessing that has been today. It was glorious. May I continue to be part of the beautiful formation You are offering these boys here. In Your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Bombshell, or just an actual bomb?

Whenever I see those gorgeously fit people – the ones who are basically the epitome of what we’re meant to do with the human body – I find myself just a little bit tense, stressed, on their behalves. I place upon them this ideal, somehow. Since they are practically perfect in this one visible right, they must be perfect in all the other rights, too. Their lives must be in order. They all must have a gorgeously fit partner or spouse, too, and an amazing house and car and job, and, basically, their lives are perfect. Right?
Except, I know their lives aren’t perfect. I know it is just an automatic judgment my brain makes, and that it likely isn’t the truth.
However, I always have found myself envying and, sometimes, slightly disliking these people for that envy, as though it were jealousy (that I can’t have something because someone else has it), even though their fitness has nothing to do with my own.
Now, that all being said, I must say: I believe I have become one of these people. No, I am not in the top tier of them, but I am definitely part of these incredibly fit individuals.
Yes, I am extremely grateful for this, for my intense efforts paying off so well. However, I also have found a certain degree of unexpected stress from my fitness. You see, now when I show up somewhere that is not the gym in anything that shows off my body or fitness, I feel almost weird. I almost feel like I need to hide myself, so as not to upset those around me who are so clearly not on the same level in terms of physical fitness. It isn’t always, but I sometimes see the looks people give me, and I can see that envy, the misplaced jealousy… even, at times, hatred. And these things hurt.
Part of me feels that it would be so much easier just to hide, just to allow the loud voices demanding inclusiveness and equality their way… and yet, where is the love there? When I am hiding myself in shame, in fear… what I have worked so hard towards having… When I am rejected for who I am… where is the love there?
I keep returning to Marianne Williamson’s quote about how my playing small does not serve the world… My hiding does not help… anyone, especially myself. I am here to love and to teach int this life. I am not here to cower. Hiding away or being ashamed of who I am is not honoring myself, my work, or God. I am God’s gift and an expression of His creativity in the world. When I am honoring myself and being my best self, I am honoring God. When I am ashamed of myself and hiding myself, so, too, am I doing that to God…
I understand all of what I have said here. I am convinced that it does not work for me to hide away or feel ashamed for my fitness and my fitness goals and pursuits. Yet, I still feel such pressure at being seen as ‘one of those fit people’.
Why?
I think it is because, to me, being rejected by others has been quite difficult in my life. I have had some very hard rejections from people in my life, on various levels. Oftentimes, they never even told me why I was being rejected, which made it even worse. Now, being rejected for my fitness isn’t about the fitness for me, but about its being yet another rejection.
Yes, that is exactly it. (I can tell, because that is what brought tears to my eyes just now.)
Okay, so, as my silly unicorn calendar said last year, I must remember that, whenever someone rejects me, The Universe is also protecting me from that person. For whatever reason, that person is not needed in my life beyond simply exiting it.
So, the people at my one job might not like me very much. But that isn’t because they know me. It is because they don’t know me. And because they weren’t willing to get to know me. If that is the case, then they aren’t people for my life in the long-run. It’s as simple as that. I want people in my life who both can and will love me. If they won’t get to know me, they never can love me. If I am hiding away myself, then those people still won’t get to know me and still won’t be able to love me. Therefore, be myself truly. If people reject me for that, it is for their own problems and struggles – it has almost nothing to do with me and everything to do with what my presence brings up from their memories about themselves. Being small serves No One and none. Indeed. Again as Marianne Williamson says, being true to myself and letting my own light shine will allow others to do the same for themselves. Though I likely will upset the loud few for being so gorgeously fit and for sharing that fitness with the world around me, the ones who are ready will take the opportunity as – consciously or not – inspiration for their own pursuits.
Therefore, honoring myself with my fitness, sharing it openly, also will be honoring and supporting those around me.
That’s quite cool, actually…
Post-a-day 2022

Dance, dance, dance…?

Man, I Really miss dancing. I miss the experience of simultaneously expressing myself to music while working with another, and of feeling undeniably beautiful and sexy, womanly… Dancing is awesome, and I miss it! And, especially now that I am so wonderfully fit – and that I am no longer afraid to be a woman, to be powerful, to be desirable and sexy, to be noticed and seen – I want to find my new self-expression in dance.

Man… (The idea of this all came up tonight, because one of, I dare say, the world’s top partner dancers is a sort of buddy of mine, and he reached out this weekend to check in with me. We only just talked tonight, and only for a bit, but it was a fun blast from the dance world, though neither of us has been part of it since the first shutdown in early 2020. I would love to dance with him… As it happens, dancing with him always had me feeling my sexiest, he so beautifully honors his partner whenever dancing. Even when I felt un-womanly and not beautiful in general, I felt womanly and beautiful and desirable and wanted whenever dancing with him. [And no, not in a creeper or weird way. Just to be clear here…] I wonder how it would be now, dancing with him, now that I already do feel beautiful and woman and sexy and desirable as a whole…)

Post-a-day 2022

(Just barely!)

Some skin at the gym

Two or three fingertips press gently on my skin, just above my left hip, halfway between my hip an dry navel. Two or three others do the same on the outer edge of my right side waist. I am in a workout bra and leggings, and the skin-to-skin contact is like a jolt of electricity to my body. But not in a sexual way. It is in an empowering way, as though that contact literally has given my body more power.

We are at the gym, in the middle of the strength part of the workout, transitioning to the second half of the strength work. The hands of the fingers belong to a slightly older man who loves me, just as I am. I love him, too. He was gently preventing us from colliding as we passed one another, and several other people were suddenly right around us, doing the same thing, nearly running into one another. Everyone, of course, just barely misses collision, likely thanks to several hands gently guiding their owners and others away from one another. And, like I said, it wasn’t sexual, those fingertips on my skin. But it was certainly sensual, lighting me up with capability and power. I could feel the spots where they touched for hours afterward, continuously reaping further rewards from that small yet impactful energetic exchange. Thank you for the love, my body kept saying, almost like a mantra, both to me and to him. Thank you for that.

And, golly, it was wonderful. I am grateful. Thank you, God, and thank you , Universe. Please, continue to bless me with Your love, and continue to guide me to be Your love in the world. In Your name I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

(Barely got it!)

Bedtime snuggles

I roll over in bed, curling up underneath the sheets, and I pull it close to my body, pressing it to my chest and upper belly, giving just enough pressure to my sternum and flex to my arms to release those comfort hormones in my brain… I can feel them releasing as it presses into me, my whole body easing, if only briefly. Why only briefly? Because a folded-up long-sleeve shirt only does so much as a stand-in for a life partner / man… But it helped for a few seconds, anyway.

P.S. I almost forgot to mention that I I finished with everything today for moving out – it is all completed, and I never have to return there, if I so wish it. What’s funny to me is that, as I am so completely done with the place, I had already moved on from it and partly forgotten about it. Life has continued without it, and that is clearly great by me. Thank you, God and Universe, for such a blessing as not only being finished but being so far past that that I forgot all about having some that today. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Hello, my dear, dear, perfectly-for-me man

I slept terribly last night, with the air a mess and a door constantly opening and slamming, due to the air pressure and all.

But, you know what? I had an aMAZing dream. I dreamt of my man. We had just met. He was someone’s brother. I had met his sister first, and, when she asked me how meeting him had gone, I told her I had no words. He was spectacular and everything perfect for me. Their dad was silly, yet wonderful. His sister was lovely already. But he was everything for me. My whole mind and body were perfect with him, beautifully in tune with him. And he was perfectly in tune with all of me, in every way.

At one point, we were driving in a car. I was shot gun, semi-sleeping, and he was driving. I was on my right side, turned mostly away from him. Someone was in the back seat. He and I had only just met that day or the day before. In my sleepy haze, I reached down and put my left hand against his right, which was resting below the steering wheel. He picked up his right hand after a moment and put it on the wheel, turning the car. When he finished turning, he put his right hand down, intertwining his fingers with mine, easily and without big deal-ness. I remember wondering what the people in the back might think, since he and I had only just met. But I also knew he was my person, my partner, my man in life. We were for each other. So, I wasn’t worried.

Throughout it all, I just could hardly wait to be with him exclusively, away from everyone else, and also to be with him every day and night. He had been running at one point, when I arrived where he was. I had him pause running to kiss and hug him. It didn’t bother me that he was all sweaty – I truly didn’t care -, and I even told him that, and commented on how bizarre it was for me, and I laughed. I just was totally okay and barely even noticed the sweatiness as I held and embraced him. He was perfect for me, and everything about me knew it. We were perfect for each other, in all ways.

Wow.

P.S. Happy Christmas…

Post-a-day 2021

Skintimacy

Quote of the day

“Look, I know sex has greatness in its own right, but all I really want… is naked cuddles,” she declared.

Talk about unpopular opinions, this one likely would throw a lot of people through a loop. But, hey, if intentional and conscious physical intimacy is the goal, then it makes sense, right? Instead allowing oneself to cross over to an animalistic degree of human function – that part of humanity designed to procreate without having to be told how to do it -, there is an opportunity to be extremely intimate without loss of full consciousness and presence and without procreation. It is definitely a valuable idea, I dare say. Indeed, it would be much more intimate as a whole than sexual intercourse would be.

But can people actually do that and only that??? Interesting inquiry…

Post-a-day 2021

Ugh

I feel somewhat depressive tonight. I don’t feel like I did anything very valuable today, and I didn’t accomplish much that can be seen. I probably just need to go to bed already, and actually get stuff done tomorrow. I went to bed at almost three in the morning last night, so much sleep was had today. I did research and purchase an important present for someone this morning – need it for this weekend – and I went to the special night prayer service at church tonight after Mass. I also rested and movie-d today, which I energetically and emotionally needed, I think. The party last night, which followed three other events filled with people throughout the day, which started at 7am after only five hours of sleep, left me quite drained in all accounts. I need people interactions in my life, but that was a lot to manage yesterday, especially being already physically tired to start off the day.

So, today was necessary and valuable exactly as it was. By it just felt lame and unproductive. Plus, I’m about to start menstruating, which isn’t helping this feeling improve. I feel like there is an innate part of us that always knows that we are here to reproduce effectively, and it lets us know when we are not doing our jobs. For me, I end up stressed and feeling like I’m sucking at life – even when things are great – just about every menstrual period. Bizarre, I know, but real.

Anyway, I’m off to sleep. Exercise in the morning will help with the feelings, too, and I’m hoping it will kickstart my tidying up my bedroom at last. Fingers crossed!

Post-a-day 2021

Breakthroughs of all sorts

踏み出す, fumidasu, stepping forward into that is next – that is my kakizome for this year, my intention expressed through calligraphy and hung in the wall where I see it almost every single day, multiple times a day, both consciously and unconsciously.

Today, I really did that – I stepped into who and how I want to be. In a situation that made me very nervous, I went ahead and spoke up, asked for what I thought I wanted, messed up a bit, figured it out, asked for what I really wanted – an extremely unreasonable request for the rest of my life -, and then I got it.

And It Was Spectacular. It was just what I needed, on all accounts. I am extremely grateful to God and the Universe for supporting me through all of this and for helping me speak up, now, and ask for what I want and need, especially when I am most uncomfortable to do so. Thank you, God and Universe. I love you all.

Post-a-day 2021