Tag: men

Trust

I trust that God and the Universe are acting in my best interest, helping me to be my best and highest self. As annoying as that may sometimes be, I still trust them. And I am grateful for their support and guidance.

He said he envied her height. She said that, if he had been taller she would have married him. But then, she wouldn’t have married the man she did marry, and had the children she had. And he wouldn’t have become a priest, and made the difference in the world that he has made in that role.

Thinking on this, it occurred to me that, though I may envy someone something or be jealous of someone for something, I need only remember that my not having that something is actually helping me to do what I am here to do, the make the difference I am here to make. If I had what that other person has, she would not be able to do what she is here to do, and I would not be able to do what I am here to do.

And so, when the World dishes out something specific to me and something specifically envious to someone else, it is intentional. I have what I was given, because that is what will help me to do what I am here to do in this life, both now and in the future.

Even if I did really want that something else (or someone else), the lack of it will prove much more fertile and endeavour than having it would have proven.

Post-a-day 2021

Thanks, Today

Someone picked me up today. And no, I don’t mean like a, ‘Did it hurt when you fell?’ kind of pick-up. I mean that he actually picked me up off the ground. And then he carried me up some stairs, my half flung over his shoulder and laughing, and walked us casually into our buddy’s house… like I weighed nothing. Suffice it to say that 1) I was surprised – I had no idea he was so strong already, and, also, he was somewhat intoxicated yet didn’t even come close to stumbling – and 2) I was basking – for whatever reason, one of the most attractive features for me in men, aside from good teeth, is their ability to carry me. No clue whence that standard came, but it has been a big deal for me, somehow, for my entire adult life so far. Absolutely, I was delighted at that unexpected event…

So, yeah… that was awesome. 😛 Thanks for that bit of icing on the cake that was this surprisingly wonderful day today, Universe.

Post-a-day 2021

Works (of art and of grace)

I went to a different Mass than expected this weekend, but it was the one toward which I had had a sort of tug earlier this week. I had planned to attend a different Mass, and had this one as a back-up plan, and the back-up almost didn’t even happen – ate crappy food, and felt horrible all afternoon today, like I was about to pass out from exhaustion or hurl from the food at any given moment. But, despite feeling crappy in my belly, I knew I wanted to go to Mass this weekend – something about it just felt right, despite my body’s feeling so wrong today.

So, I sucked it up, and made the Mass happen. And, you know what, I not only saw someone who made me smile, but, after seeing that person, this absolutely gorgeous guy I’d met a couple years ago came walking in, and he sat the row behind me. (Eek!)

I felt like a high school girl, I swear. Lots of letting go of eekiness alongside all the emotions I experience throughout a beautiful Mass… silly, but also fun. I didn’t get to talk to him or anything, but we acknowledge each other’s presence both when he arrived and during the peace offerings. I told my mom that it was both exciting and slightly upsetting, because, yes, he was there, but he was there only at a distance, in a way. She said it was like a museum: Enjoy and admire the beautiful art, but you can’t touch it and you can’t take it home with you. Very true, Mom. Very true.

What I will say about his presence at Mass, though, is that it felt like encouragement, like a small reward, for my being there, that it was, indeed, the right place for me to be. Like God said, ‘See? Good things show up when you go where you are called.’

And that part felt very good and loving and encouraging. For it all, I am grateful. And, of course, I am very open to seeing him more regularly, God and Universe. 😉

For now, though, I thank you both. You hold my life and my heart with such grace and tenderness, and I am grateful. Please, help me to continue to step forward into what is next for me in this life, that I might be the love and creativity that I am here to be, to my full ability. Thank you, God and Universe.

Amen

Post-a-day 2021

The fittest

Sometimes, I think nature is unfair. The Darwinism inside of us thinks only of certain degrees of fitness, when it evaluated those around us. It cares little for whether someone is emotionally available, or anything like that. It cares almost exclusively for the breeding power of the individual. And so, every time I ovulate, I get a terminator-style analysis presented to me of every single male I cross, declaring his ranking on the scale of positive breeding potential…, with absolutely no concern as to whether I actually want to have such an analysis… on any of them, let alone all of them.

But such is life, it seems.

One plus, I suppose, is that I would be well aware of whom to seek out, should we have a population crisis, and we needed to rebuild the population ASAP. 😛

Post-a-day 2021

Trippin’?

I am taking a trip tomorrow, and very early on the morning. I intend to be at the airport at 5:00am. So, I need to leave the house about 15-20 minutes earlier than I usually do, when I go to the gym.

I am going somewhere entirely new for me, somewhere I have never been. I am staying with someone I barely know and whose habits and way of living are almost entirely unknown to me. The person is a male dentist and homosexual, so I think the two bode well for a clean living space. (That and the fact that I saw a photo of him on his bathroom, showing me an outfit once, and the bathroom was tidy and seemed clean.) However, I do not know for sure.

I do not know the specific plans for the days and evenings and nights. I think we are supposed to be going out at some point, even, to hang and be social and hear music and dance around… he even has a date for me…

I don’t know what or how we will be eating, or when. I don’t know when he goes to bed or wakes each day, or what his intended times are for this trip.

I’m not sure he has any idea of my regular sleep schedule…

And I scheduled this trip all of a sudden one day, when Southwest was having a sale. I considered it briefly, then reached out the next day and booked the flight.

Who on Earth planned this trip? Certainly not the Hannah I know… She is much too cautious to do such a thing without having a better understanding of details on all fronts.

Dear God and Universe, please, help me to have a safe, wonderful, fulfilling trip this weekend. Gratitude and love abound in me – help me to share them with the world around me this weekend, please.

Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Music to my ears

It seems as though I have a bit of unfinished business regarding baritones with spectacular singing abilities. I shall contemplate this further, in order to reach clarity, but it seems as though I either need to have a relationship with one, or I need to have a major completion conversation about them…

I believe I shall say more about this tomorrow, when it is not already 2:05am, and I am not literally aching to be asleep.

Post-a-day 2021

Okay, then, brain…

I have a problem. It is a ridiculous problem, but it is a problem nonetheless.

You see, I wear this awesome fitness clothing. The shorts and leggings show off the shape of my legs and bum quite classily. The bras and tops show off just the right amount of skin. And all the muscles look amazing. And all the right curves are visible in all the right places, when I wear this clothing.

And, to be fully franc, I look amazing in it.

And, whenever I see myself in it all, even I have trouble keeping my cool. Looking down at myself in the fitted (biker style) shorts and leggings is already a bit rough at times. Add onto that seeing myself in the mirror… man…

I don’t mean to be rude or egotistical by any means with this – I am merely sharing what I have noticed and wondered… but how do men handle it, seeing me in this stuff? I can barely handle it, and 1)I’m a heterosexual woman, and 2)it’s my own body.

But those two facts don’t seem to matter much at all to my brain. It’s like, Oh, sh********… and then kind of loses all train of thought. Until I manage to give myself some calming, deep breaths, and can chill myself out, that is. But seriously…

Major ::facepalm here.

I know I work really hard to be my best self, especially physically. But I think I hadn’t really anticipated how doing just that, pursuing my fitness and physique goals, would leave me so, well – though I am a tad embarrassed to say it -, sexy.

Let there be no doubt: I always have wanted to be a sexy woman. And that has been part of my physique goals with my fitness. But I guess I never expected it to have such an effect on me… Please, tell me this is normal. Or, at least, common enough that someone can tell me with confidence from experience that I will grow accustomed to how my body looks, and this unintentional response – if you missed connecting the dots before, it’s arousal – will chill the **** out… Because this is getting stressful, getting so suddenly sexually charged off and on… like all day long…

I guess this is one of those Catch 22s. I want the fitness, but not the arousal for myself, but I can only not have the arousal if I don’t have the fitness.

Ugh… what a bizarre and silly problem to have. Am I right??

Post-a-day 2021

Taking strides

I asked, I prayed, and I meditated on my request last night. I slept with the mala last night, and wore the mala all day today, reminding myself of the intention I set with it, each time I noticed it.

And that was great.

I had breakfast with my dad.

That was great, too.

I reached out to someone who, for whatever reason, kept calling out in my mind for me to contact. A male, yes.

And that, though nothing has come of it, including a response from him, also was great.

And I continued my progress on this coding adventure today, making what felt like major strides. I finished the CSS intro course, and then a coding intro course I had forgotten that I had ever begun (because before HTML basics caught my attention as an option!).

Finishing that felt great.

Then, I began working on an app that the family friend sent me for learning and using Swift, so I can learn to do the coding used for Apple products. That part was a blast. And I apparently am great and a natural at it, because I was doing things that just made sense to me (in order to create the shortest code), and then, in the following lesson, it would ‘teach me’ how to do what I totally had just already done… I was almost always one step ahead of the game.

That all was really great. I had to force myself to stop, using the iPad’s battery depletion as my excuse to have to stop for the day.

I was supposed to go to a yoga class with girls from the gym this evening. But I wasn’t feeling like getting out so late. I was grateful to receive a message declaring a need to reschedule from one of the girls. Woohoo! So, I worked for hours on the Swift program instead.

So, that was awesome.

And I began the reorganization and tidying that I have been very much avoiding for quite some months now (since March). There is still more to do tomorrow, especially, but it feels much mote doable, now that I have actually started it and have a vision for it.

So, that was a great relief, at least.

In other words, my day today was really awesome, and I am extremely grateful for it.

Post-a-day 2021

Asking for help

Why are some things easier to ask for than others? I ask the Universe and God to show me what next to do, that I might find my work that I will love and that will serve the world best. Within days, I am engrossed in a world I had previously believed – and am still not entirely convinced is not – over my head. It wasn’t until a week or so later that it even occurred to me that, yes, I had distinctly and clearly asked, fervently, for this guidance that I had so clearly received.

And so, today, I am having a conversation with the same person who had asked me the other week if I had actually asked for help from God and the Universe regarding my work. He brings up about a boy, asking me if anything has come of that situation. No, it really hasn’t. “If he isn’t on my level, then he isn’t for me,” I reply, “And that’s okay.”

As we get into the fact that I really do want to have someone in my life already, that I’m tired of not having a partner and significant other, I notice that, though I definitely could ask for this situation to arise in my life, I feel an immense hesitation to do it. It only makes sense to ask, especially after the last request I made for help. But something is stopping me. I am stopping me, that is. But why?

I suppose it is the same as always: I am scared. I am scared that I will end up settling, and hat I will miss amazing opportunities because I picked someone. No explorations in partners to be made, once a partner is set.

But let’s be real here: I’ve had plenty of time, yet have had almost no interest in anyone I have crossed. What explorations am I even referencing? I don’t actually want to pursue any of them. But, as soon as they are unavailable, it feels, I would want to pursue them, somehow.

How silly…

Okay, so, here’s the thing. I want the man who is perfect for me and for whom I am perfect. Together, we want nothing, and we have everything. We are filled and fulfilled together. While we can – and have done so – live apart, we choose to live together, as we love and live better when together. I want a partner who allows me to think happily on other possibilities of men, as I think today on candies. (Okay, that reference was not intentional, eye candy and all…) That would be awesome! But I’ll leave it to everyone else – I don’t truly want it.

So, yeah… come on, Man. Bring it. I’m ready to step up onto our level, and be together going forward now. Yes, I am still terrified. All the better. Bring it.

Post-a-day 2021

Hard decisions

Just because it’s a good option doesn’t mean it’s the right option. There can be a multitude of good options available to us. But they aren’t all the best for each one of us. They are all different just as we are all different.

And, even if someone else may think this good option is the best option, it doesn’t mean that it really is the best option for me.

And, just because I can see that this one really is a really great option, it doesn’t mean that I have to pick this option. I am allowed to choose freely, of my own accord. When I know exactly what I want, I can wait for that, create that. I do not have to select or accept something else, simply because it is the best I’ve found so far, the closest I’ve found to what I actually want. Because it, ultimately, isn’t what I actually want.

Even if it is a really good option.

I don’t just want the best so far. I want the best.

If I’m going to put so much effort into something, I want it to be for the perfect option, the one I truly want, and never anything but that one.

Post-a-day 2021