Giving up

Today, I had to give up being better than others. Instead, I had to acknowledge what was truly best for me and for my students. I need not be the one to put forth the effort regarding certain things in class, especially when it is specifically someone’s job to handle such things. I am paid to teach and asked to teach. When something else is preventing me from doing my job, it becomes my job to let the person know whose job it is to handle the problem.

And so, I did that today. I cried a bunch in that meeting, but I feel good about the whole situation now. I trust the person into whose hands I set the situation, and his words and approach and plans eased me, despite my initial aversion to reaching out for the support. And his casual comment about having been nearly three decades in the military somehow both surprised me and did not – “No wonder you are so calm,” I replied. His calm, calming, yet ruling demeanor makes sense with such context.

I have a high level of confidence that things will be much, much better going forward, and that I, much more so than up to this point, will be able to do my job and teach this one particular class. At last, we can begin to breathe and to have some fun.

Post-a-day 2021

Big sigh

Have you ever done something when you’re having loads of free time, and totally loved it, but then, tried it again, but without the free time, and been none-too-excited about it?

We just started up karate classes again after a month break. I have since started school, right? Now, more than ever, I am exhausted in the late evenings, getting into bed as early as possible, sometimes even at 6:40pm. Yet karate class is assisting the juniors at 6pm, and attending my own class at 7pm. If I attend the other classes throughout the week, they go even later. But I need loads of hours to move forward in my official training and belt levels (which I want to do).

So, I guess I need to sit down in the next few days, and figure out how many hours of what I need, and how quickly (or slowly) I can and want to make them all happen. Otherwise, without the specifics and the goals set up, I might get a little too tired to do any of it, especially with school happening right now. I do love this all. But I need to be rested enough to be able to enjoy it fully. Otherwise, the teacher and German within me will tear apart the instructors and assistants and other adults mentally, and be annoyed throughout all the classes for a plethora of reasons. I really don’t want to be that way. Alas, I shall make my plan and get some sleep!

Because I want to beast at karate. Seriously.

Post-a-day 2021

Surprise

There were only boys in class today. Boy, was I surprised to discover how much more I liked it… There just really is something about these boys that has me absolutely love working with them. Girls are great on their own, of course. But they tend not to speak up for themselves and their needs when boys are in the class, and it causes problems in learning, unfortunately. And that is frustrating to me as a teacher. But just having boys in class… sometimes, it feels like I was made for that…

What do you think, God and Universe? Is this part of my next step forward in life?

Post-a-day 2021

Tropical Storm

Precautionarily for the expected wind, rain, and flooding, school for today was moved to asynchronous learning yesterday afternoon. So, I sent out e-mails to my classes to let them know their assignments for today, and just checked in every so often to answer the few e-mails I received from them with questions. I did one make-up test at noon – which was fortunate to be digital, as the student had broken a finger, and so struggles to write right now -, but, otherwise, I rested much.

And boy did I need that rest.

The gym was closed for the morning classes, due to the intense rain and wind, so I didn’t even exercise today. (I suppose I exercised my freedom of choice by choosing to be restful.) I only had to be up just before eight to send out those e-mails. Though I woke naturally at four, my body let me use the bathroom quickly and then pass back out. I only awoke to my alarm after seven, telling me to send out e-mails. And then, I went back to sleep for another little bit, and resting in near-unconsciousness with eyes closed for an hour-ish before getting up for real for the day.

I dressed cozily, had some easy, warm food, listened to my current audiobook, and, after that test, went to go through paintings with my dad.

Today was oddly simple, yet very satisfying. I think the work I did was exponentially beneficial, and so was much more impactful than it would seem initially. Thank you, God, for such a blessing today.

Post-a-day 2021

Bleeding hearts

Man… if only I hadn’t already brushed and flossed a bunch and put in my retainers for the night. I could really do for a fig right now, what with the hugging quality of them and all right now. Alas, I’ll settle for some stretching and reading and going to sleep early for a while (before I wake up in the middle of the night to have my meeting… ugh…. haha.).

Post-a-day 2021

Rootbeer bloat

Y’all…, I had a child-sized root wet float this evening, and, for the past couple hours since, I have felt sick to my stomach. Definitely in that gray area that is much too close to vomiting than I prefer. As we know, vomiting is one of the most miserable things for me in life, and I make strong efforts to stay away from it.

That being said, though I have always loved rootbeer floats, I do not foresee my having many more in the near future. Not that I have processed sugar or dairy or sodas almost at all, but still…, Whenever I do have something outside of my norm now, it is not likely to be a rootbeer float.

How odd…

Post-a-day 2021

Cyclical Figlical

Anyone else have a sort of cyclical draw to certain foods or beverages? I just noticed that dried figs are quite cyclical for me. When I eat them normally, they are good, regular dried food, sometimes even unnecessary-feeling. But, when I start semi-craving them (just before and during early menstruation), and I bite into them, they always seem to say, ‘Aah… here’s that cozy hug you didn’t even realize that you needed or wanted.’ And I do agree with them.

Post-a-day 2021

Ouch

Okay, but why??? Butt, why???

I’m about to go to bed, a touch late, and I have an early start tomorrow, despite its being a Saturday. Suddenly, my lower, lower guts begin to ache. My belly is swollen, 99% likely with gas. And then, even more suddenly, the area just upward/inside of my anus begins to hurt. The kind of hurt that make sitting sound near impossible. I’m moving slowly, now, and still have to all my stretches, and then lie down in bed… will I be able I handle it? Gosh, I hope so, because I am exhausted. And this whole situation is practically the epitome of my body telling me that it is exhausted. Naturally, that means it prevents me from helping it with more sleep…

Sometimes, nature seems like it dropped a few brain cells somewhere along the way… 😛

Post-a-day 2021

Growth

I think it show immense growth that I can simultaneously have a touch of trepidation at the idea of receiving feedback from someone on a song I created, and also comfortable consideration of that person’s ideas, without panic or a feeling of defensiveness. I would have been both in the past, I have very little doubt. Now, however, I see that I can accept the offerings for what they are – offerings for improvement -, and then evaluate them genuinely, and either accept or reject them based on what I truly want for the song, separate from any feelings of not being good enough, or anything else like that.

It feels odd, but the comfort of it is surprisingly wonderful.

Post-a-day 2021

Songs

So, I wrote these songs. I like them. As it turns out, I am now entirely clear that I want to turn them into real songs, so to speak. I want a full instrumentation on them, and a great recording quality. I want them to be like any other song I might play off of a phone or computer or sound system. I want them to be real songs. How bizarre is that? I thought that was for the select few in the world…
I actively want to work on them and improve them wholly. And I can see that I truly will do all of that.
How truly bizzare… and that it feels so utterly casual, normal for me. Perhaps this is a perfect example of my cousin’s point as to whether I even knew what normal was. 😛
Post-a-day 2021