Pain

My knees hurt.

And I didn’t even go to the gym today.

I had considered going in the morning, but only if I work up at the right time, which is just after 4am.

I woke up at 3am, and was very wobbly on my feet, heading down to the bathroom…, so I knew I wasn’t doing the morning class – I could go at noon.

I had plenty of time after tutoring ended, so I went to fill my water bottle.

By the time I was at my scooter, it was 21 ’til, and the gym is almost half an hour from school…, so I would have to go at 4:30pm, when the rain would be starting, but would be less than during the later classes.

Plus, it wouldn’t be as cold as it would be for the later classes…, but it still would suck.

After eating a late lunch at home, I was exhausted, and could barely keep my eyes open.

My headache had subsided somewhat, but had been around since around 10am, and was becoming a little overwhelming for me.

My knees had been hurting since I’d gotten up for real in the morning.

I finally wasn’t dizzy or wobbly anymore, but my face was hurting, from the slight congestion behind my nose, combining with the pressure change happening outside… or so I declared, anyway.

I determined and chose not to go anywhere else today – I called my mom and let her know that I was going upstairs to get ready for bed shortly, despite the fact that it was only nearly 3pm.

Seeing as how my knees are still hurting right now, hours later, I think t was the right decision not to go to the gym today.

Plus, I caught up on that podcast (An Addict Named Mary), and put away a lot of laundry, and organized a lot of laundry, cleaning up a whole part of my room (which I’ve been wanting myself to do for quite some time now).

Just as I was preparing to get into the shower, I discovered what this muffled beeping noise the previous several minutes had been: the arriving winds were shaking my bike so much, that it was setting of the first round of my alarm, declaring potential tampering with the bike.

So, I had to throw an outer layer of clothing back on myself, rush downstairs, put on the rainboots, and undo the cover and locks on the bike, move the bike to a different location and angle, and redo all of the locks, all while in the wind and cold drizzle.

Then, I went and carefully climbed into a hot shower that made everything feel better.

But my knees still hurt…

I’m not sure if I misjudged yesterday, due to the CBD oil that was in my morning beverage, and then I overdid it with the walking during the photo fun…, or if I overdid things at the workout Saturday morning, and it is hitting me now, that second day afterward, like typical bad muscle soreness…

But it might just be a combination of both: I overdid things, and I’m still not healed in the first place.

Now, I want to set myself carefully in my bed and fall deeply asleep for the night, snuggled under my comforter and big, white teddy bear that I’ve had for possibly twenty years (Can you believe that???… He was mostly decorative for the first decade and a half, and I only recently started snuggling with him regularly… and he gives wonderful hugs and comfort…)…

Yes, I think I will do that now.

Post-a-day 2019

Two discoveries

The other day, I was sharing how I love doing photography for people… that we meet up and go have fun and take some wonderful photos…, and that it really happens like that, that we always go out and have fun…

And I found that interesting… I hadn’t considered it before then, but I realized how true it was.

Every time I go out and do photos with someone for him/her we have fun.

And, as it happens, we end up with some pretty, stellar photos… however, that is not my point tonight.

It is the fun that matters most right now.

I love that it is a sort of adventure, and that it is always fun for us both.

Today, after having completed an afternoon of running around with someone, doing photos of a vehicle, I reflected on the time we’d had together.

And I found that it was fun.

Wow… it really is true that we always have fun whenever I go out to do photos with someone… Cool

😀

It was lovely to discover.

Another wonderful discovery of today happened about twenty minutes ago…

I have known the voice, and I knew what song has had me know it so well in my life, but I couldn’t have said the owner of the voice… but, when a different song from that usual one came on – iPod playing connected to the speakers again…. I really want to make that even more regular, now that I have started it… anyway – I went to find out whose voice it was.

I know I love his voice and style, so I wanted to be able to listen to it more.

Turns out it was James Taylor.

So, I love James Taylor music.

🙂

And I will listen to much of it in the near future.

😀

Goodnight. 😀

P.S. Today was National Tongue Twister Day, so I read my mom (over the phone) one of my favorite books from childhood, Fox in Sox by Dr. Seuss…, and it was lovely and funny for the both of us. 😀

Post-a-day 2019

Fear

Tonight, I had a conversation that I was worried about having – I was afraid of it, and I didn’t know how to have it, and I was afraid of it bringing forth shame for myself regarding past events (although I am not ashamed of them anymore, it felt like this conversation could bring back those upsetting thoughts of shame)…

And I knew the conversation would be best had, and not left milling in my mind, making me ever the more uncomfortable, eventually to be come ‘comfortable’ by familiarity with the discomfort…

And so I had the conversation.

I was honest and open, and I shared how I wasn’t sure what I needed out of the conversation, other than merely having it, and how I wasn’t sure what would be best to do about the concern I had/have, and that I was afraid to have the conversation, but knew it was best had and not left quiet – staying quiet and convincing myself that I was overreacting was what got me into trouble with the last stuff in the first place…

And the conversation went really well.

We don’t yet know what all is best to be done about the concern I had/have, but we have come up with a start.

And that feels good.

And it feels good that it is a “we” working on the matter, and not just a nervous “I”.

I am so grateful.

I told my cousin that this is a week about trusting oneself, and tonight’s conversation was just another one of those amazing moments of how beautiful it is when we trust ourselves truly.

Gratitude.

🙂

Post-a-day 2019

The return of the cold

Today was really cold… And it was raining… And I only have my bike (Vespa) now…. so that kind of sucked.

But I bought – at long last, though out of immediate necessity today – a rain suit, so that helped tremendously…, but it was still cold out there, riding.

Burr…

Fun fact: My body is getting closer and closer to working normally again… though I was spider-crawling up the stairs, and sliding down them this morning, I was able to do almost the whole workout today at the gym, and my knees feel almost normal now, as I am getting ready for bed.

I mean, I won’t be able to run in the morning, and I probably still won’t be able to squat all the way or rest on my knees for another several days, but I at least will be able to walk without hobbling or being in pain.

So, that’s really cool.

It’ll leave my only main issue as going to the bathroom: every time I have to pull down it up my pants/underwear, it’s like a hammer to my bruised right leg… burr…

Also, another fun fact: I got a hug from a new person today… and it was lovely to have. 🙂

I love hugs, and I’ve kind of been wanting, possibly needing, hugs this week…, so this was perfectly timed and somewhat out of the blue, making it all the better and more loving.

Makes me wonder how I can be more loving to those around me on the regular… hmm… I’ll think on that one tonight while I do some henna… yes…

Post-a-day 2019

I’m doing loads better tonight.

I finally no longer have to slide down the stairs, nor do I have to do a wonky side-to-side granny hobble, pulling tremendously on the handrail to get up the stairs… I can actually walk up and down them, albeit slowly and carefully.

I went to the gym this afternoon, and kind of did the workout.

I completely skipped the strength portion, because finding a two-rep max on deadlifts was a solid no for my knees at present, so I did a 500m ski on the ski machine instead, since that didn’t really require much from my knees.

On the workout part, I did standing squats (only so low as I could go without it hurting my knees, which was just below a 45° angle) instead of these jumps from kneeling to squatting (which I can hardly do when I’m well, let alone right now), followed by frog jumps for distance… otherwise, I just did the easiest version of each movement, with the lightest weight options.

It was not the kind of hard that workouts usually are for me at the gym, but it was, I could tell, really good for my body to be moving around and using my muscles, albeit with minimal strain.

Everyone else seemed to feel utterly exhausted at the end, leaving me alone in my missing out on the experience, but I was okay with it – I’m the one who rolled all across the road two nights ago but still showed up to work out today.

And I’m okay with that. 🙂

On a separate note, I’ve been wondering quite recently more and more about a someone else in my life… Universe, could you be a little more clear for me about this??

What am I meant to do now, and who is getting ready to show up for me?

What are my final steps for right now?

I suppose I could start by cleaning up my clothes in my room tomorrow… I did pass up an opportunity to do work I love tomorrow, in order to stay home and rest and get some things done before the weekend… hmm…

How amazing that would be… clean my room for this weekend, and meet this person by Monday evening…..?

Wow… that would be really cool…

Separately, tomorrow is my stepsister’s birthday… and my bruises have finally really started to come in… they are looking dreadfuller and dreadfuller as the time passes tonight. 😛

Post-a-day 2019

Spin cycle update

The other day, when I was caught in the rain, the black from my glove rubbed off on me in a kind of purpley black. I thought that had happened again tonight…

Turns out, it is just bruising finally coming through on my palm

………

That’s two messages I sent to my mom tonight, after I’d gotten home.

I only went out briefly today, after having amassed a grand total of not even a thousand steps for the day by three p.m., in an effort to rid myself of my cabin fever and to get in some steps, all while carefully aiding my recovery by moving slowly but surely on flat surfaces.

I walked around Target for a bit, and was surprised to find it a loud and somewhat annoying environment.

So, I rather quickly left and went to hang out with my mom at the office where she works, so I also could work on some photos and use the Internet.

I made a quick and delicious pasta puttanesca again when I got home – with zucchini that I spiralized myself, of course – and then headed upstairs to get ready for bed.

Fortunately, I had already done it last night, so it didn’t take me long to figure out what all I needed on the first run (meaning super slow limping hobble) up to my floor, in preparation for the process of showering.

So, when I hobble back down to use the bathroom again in a bit, right before going to sleep, it will be only the second time I’ll have had to go down tonight…, which is much more ideal than the constant up-and-down I usually do each night.

Anyway, the point of all of this is really to share with somebody how my day was – lonesome a bit, but only in the send that I didn’t really have much of any physical contact today, and was somewhat surprised to find that it was all I really wanted, aside from ice packs… to have someone hold my hand, or lean against my skin somewhere, just to prove his or her existence and presence (and thereby love for me)…

I actually daydreamed about it… an arm or a thigh, just casually pressed against me, much like how a dog or cat will snuggle up against a person, when it wants to be nearby to sleep, but not necessarily to be pet.

I wanted someone to be with me in my room, so I could rest without worry, and know that I am being watched over and cared for…

My chest actually longed for the pressure of a hug or hand today, the feelings of slight panic taunting me ever so slightly… I wanted someone to quell the stirrings of panic within by his/her loving touch.

(And no, this is not at all in an erotic sense, but in a caring for someone, loving someone sense.)

But all my family is too far away for that, and my friends, too…, so I just daydreamed instead, breathing deeply, as is my custom, and going to walk around Target, so I could at least be around people, even if I had no loving touch from any of them.

Eventually, I got some love from my mom, but it was tiny in comparison to what I had been aching for all day, so it only eased the feeling temporarily.

It was nonetheless valued and valuable for me.

Now, I am home, carefully getting the rest of my steps before bed, considering the finally darkening spots around my body that are the near-only visible signs on my body of what happened last night…

And the palm of my hand looks like I’ve smeared ink on it somehow, again, just as it did when my glove got soaked in the rain… if only that were the cause of tonight’s “stain”… ::sigh

Anyway, I’m feeling better physically, but I’m really tired tonight… I’m thinking my body put forth a lot of effort today in dealing with healing, and so all the other little bits just put me over the edge baring exhaustion…

On that note, signing off for now, off to heal my body some more, and then discover more bruising in the morning. 😛

Post-a-day 2019

Prayers of Gratitude

I have been thinking lately more and more about prayers of gratitude.

In my daily e-mails, one mentioned a short while back how we are always quick to flood the universe with our prayers in times of need – Oh, please help me with this – but that we often miss out on the opportunity to express prayers of gratitude – Thank you for the flowers, the air, the people around me…, for my life, my health, my home, my hearing…, for that act of kindness shown to me, for my ability to show love just now, for my ability to accept love from myself And others…

And so, I have been somewhat focusing on prayers of gratitude lately.

Tonight, as I drive myself the remainder of my journey home, I was delighted and relieved that my prayers were clear and of gratitude:

Thank you for showing me safely but clearly to trust myself.

Thank you for putting someone behind me who cares so much and is helping to take care of me.

Thank you for keeping me safe.

Thank you for putting someone behind me who stopped and was paying attention.

Thank you for helping me do what needed to be done.

Thank you for keeping us both – the bike and me – safe, despite our scratches.

Thank you that we received only scratches.

Thank you for the love that is following me right now.

Thank you for letting this terrifying event be in such safe, love-filled circumstances.

Thank you for keeping me alive and well, both for my sake, and for hers.

And for those in my life.

Thank you for my life.

There likely were others in there, too, but that was the main flow of my thoughts (along with the occasional, Man that was ….::hefty-shaky exhale…).

I am grateful for the angel who was driving behind me, and who, though she repeatedly expressed that she didn’t know what to do to help, did exactly what was needed to help – and, aside from all of the conscious efforts to help, her attentiveness quite definitely assured my safety.

Had she not been the one behind me, someone paying attention, I might not be here right now… it was a simple and small accident, but her attentiveness kept it so.

Thank you, God.

And thank you, R.

P.S. All my gear took perfect care of me – I rolled probably three times, without ever touching anything with my head, and lots of parts of me hurt right now, but my skin looks impeccable, because my clothes did exactly what they were worn to do… (minus one tiny spot that, through the jeans, still broke the skin and bled a little bit, but it is a tiny spot that looks more like I tripped and scraped my knee than that I fell around 30-35mph and went rolling across the road)…

P.P.S. Icing has been helping with pain and swelling, and the hot shower just now helped immensely with the pain everywhere.

P.P.P.S. And no, I was not on my phone – not at all… I am just glad that the girl behind me was not on her phone.

Post-a-day 2019

Gorilla

We did an art and expression exercise at an art and yoga workshop weekend recently in which we had to select a yogic exercise from our yoga set with which we felt some sort of connection.

For whatever reason, Gorilla called to me.

It had felt amazing, pounding on my sore thigh muscles, and the massive power combined with amazing tenderness of the beasts felt somehow homey and welcoming to me… plus, we come front the same family, right?

So, I went with Gorilla.

First, we had to do a movement and make a noise that connected to our experience of that animal.

I sat up in a wide, wide squat, tilted my head downward, and rested my wrists on my thighs, hands hanging in partial fists, and gave a very subtle grunt.

The group tried to get me to howl and bang my chest – some others even did that at the time, supposedly as encouragement for me to do it – but that wasn’t my experience of Gorilla… “I am not an angry Gorilla,” I said.

I am calm…, I thought, so is this Gorilla… that’s why we get along.

Then, we had to select a word or phrase from a set that connected to the animal for us, to our experience of the animal, and I, despite multiple people’s efforts to have me select something else, – think super stereotypical for the anger and rage of gorillas – selected something like Noble Silence…. in my head, it had been more along the lines of Silent Confidence and Majesty, the phrase connected with my experience, and the Noble Silence was the closest of the available options to that idea.

I shared with my mom afterward about to exercise, and she totally got it.

I, as Gorilla, observe comfortably and confidently, and am at ease, but am aware and ready to handle any situation which may arise that might require my attention.

Yes, I can take down any threat to my family…, but I only behave ok such a rough way when needed – gentle, comfortable observation and royal calm is my neutral and natural state.

Throughout the weekend, the Gorilla connection grew for me.

Ever since that weekend, it has stayed with me.

I always wanted to be a cat – like a lion or a Tiger or Puma -, but maybe I am more a Gorilla…?

My spirit animal has never been clear for me…, perhaps because I have always sought it in incorrect animals.

Perhaps monkey holds more of me than any others, after all, despite my almost joking about our shared origins.

I don’t know an answer for all of this, and I’m okay with that… I am merely considering this newfound connection I have with Gorilla… perhaps we are meant to meet one day… I can almost feel the leather of the hands already, the warmth of the skin, and the roughness of the fur.., does it also stink, ever so slightly???… kind of like dogs…

Hmm…

Anyway, I also am singing now in my head Phil Collins’s “Son of Man”, which played in the animated “Tarzan” film years ago… great song, and great film… yeah…

Anyway, perhaps this Gorilla will connect with my recent Bear connection, too, and I will find my animal kingdom family…

Note: It was Deep Listening that I selected from the available cards/phrases… I’ve just remembered.

Post-a-day 2019

Three things:

1) I burn a couple tissues together that have old oil all over them (peppermint, eucalyptus, rosemary, lavender, and Texas cedarwood, not olive or petrol), and all is well, and my room smells amazing.

I take a hot shower on this same really cold night, and, upon opening the bathroom door afterward, the steam sets off the fire alarms on both the second and third floor, leaving me to run around, fanning the alarms with the towel that had just been wrapped around me to dry me and keep me warm as I entered the cold, cold rest of the house…

::face palm

………

2) I actually am totally spacing on what the other thing was that I had wanted to share here tonight… hmm…

………

3) This conversation happened just as we were leaving my friend’s apartment tonight to go to Target before she drove me home:

Friend: Okay, are we good? [turns toward me] Hannah, your outfit is throwing me off… It’s cold out – do you want some pants?

All laugh, as we take in my wool beret, thick scarf, leather jacket, leg warmers, and short shorts.

Basically, I am cold-weather-dressed up top and summertime dressed in the bottom, with the leg warmers just thrown into the summer bit.

Friend: I mean, your legs look great. But are you sure you don’t want some pants? ‘Cause you can borrow some.

I assure them that I really am okay, and that I actually had been wearing pants earlier, but that it was just too darn hot… shorts were what I needed, if I wanted to keep the top half on (and I had wanted to change as little as possible earlier, when I was adjusting my outfit for the weather for the rest of the day – because pants and a long and heavy skirt had gotten to be just too much by early afternoon), and so shorts were what I was wearing.

Plus, the scarf really warms the whole body rather well – I was really surprised when I first learned how amazingly scarves work… now I wear them all the time for warmth, much more often than sweaters or jackets.

Anyway, we all laughed about my unbalanced outfit, and then three of us continued happily on to Target. 😛

We decided that I was, in a way, a perfect representation of our Texas and Houston weather. 😛

The white converse-style tennis shoes

Post-a-day 2019

Día de Muertos dinner and dessert

Man who appears magically next to us: My girlfriend and I saw how you were dressed, and we were just at this party, and they gave us these cookies, and we wanted you…

He trails off, proffering a small, white papered bundle.

Said white bundle

Hannah: [Big and quick inhale] Are they calaveras?!? Are they skull cookies??

Man, smiling: Yeah, yeah they are.

Hannah: You’re giving us cookies?

Man: Yeah…

Hannah & Mom, slightly off from one another: Awww, thank you(!).

I accepted the package graciously and peeked inside at them, expressed another but of bouncy joy and expressed my gratitude again, both to him and for him to tell his girlfriend, and the man walked off, all three of us smiling.

Not so bad for dinner at a Thai place – my mom had wanted Mexican food to end the holiday, but everywhere food was, naturally, packed…, so, we just stopped for a warm meal at the place down the street from my house, on our way to take me home.

When we fully opened the package and took them out, we found handmade, adorable calavera cookies.

So, in a way, my mom got her Mexican food to celebrate the end of the Día de Muertos days, after all. 😛

Post-a-day 2019