Just do it

I did it!

I started work on creating my first book, and I started work on producing the first edition of the online women’s magazine I am starting!

I came up with ten (10) plot ideas for the book, as I said last night that I would do today, and I even really like certain ones of them… like really like them.

I got on the phone with a friend whom I want to be a secondary voice on moving the magazine forward with me, and she helped me organize out certain bits already for it.

I sent her the general outline I had of everything this evening, and she will look at it tomorrow, and get back to me on her response to it either tomorrow or Friday.

I compiled the contact list for the various contributors who are confirmed, and whom I am considering bringing on to the project.

I reached out on social media for contributors (without saying what specifically the reason was) in a couple areas that were lacking contributors.

And now, my brain is going almost nonstop, just chugging along with considerations regarding the magazine.

It is a good kind of busy in my brain right now, and I think it is definitely helping keep me away from thoughts of the intense citrus smell in my room right now – and the accidental addition of isopropyl alcohol to the steaming mix over the burning candle – due to not only the dying roach I found downstairs this morning, but the live one I found crossing on top of my swimsuit an hour ago in my bedroom… and that is currently trapped in my painting water jar downstairs…

Yeah, so, moving on…

My task for tomorrow with the book – I think I need to give myself a task every day for the book – will be to come up with five (5) more plot ideas that seem particularly crazy and out of my typical comfort zone of writing and style (think zombies and goth and erotic romance novels!… :P), and then to flesh out at least two of my plot ideas, including one of the crazy ones.

Yikes – tomorrow will be a silly one for the book! 😛 Haha

I’m excited, and I can hardly wait. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

I love my city

I really do love my city. I spent most of the day today out riding my bicycle around it, and taking photos of things I like, so that I could send them to my buddy in Italy, so that he could see some of the everyday and the beloved that are part of my life in Houston.

(What a sentence!)

What’s funny to me right now, though, is that, though I did that and I exercised and I made delicious food and healthy and delicious juices afterward, and I sent the photos on, and I chatted a long while with a good friend while winding down just now…, though I did all of these things, and I was incredibly satisfied by and fulfilled by my day…., I suddenly am filled – in my intense sleepiness, as I prep as quickly as is possible for bed – with an experience of loss regarding that guy… I almost want to cry, yet I couldn’t say why specifically… but it has to do with him, I know.

It is much like the song I wrote the other day about loving my city, yet not wanting to be in it right now…, because I wanted to be with him, instead… I was just going through all of these awesome photos, and it was on my mind how much I love my city…, and then, bam… some utterly unknown tangent busts in this old topic.

I know it was a tiny affair on paper, but it wasn’t tiny for me, for many reasons… and I understand that it isn’t just going to go away – it is going in small steps, with every day involving less and less brainpower and attention occupied by thoughts of him and that whole situation, and also less intense emotions connected to all of it… but, even still, it doesn’t feel good when, after a whole day of being in great spirits about it, my guards of logic and consciousness begin to close down for the night, and I am whooshed by a sudden sad reminder of something I really wanted – something I expressed wanting – didn’t work out, despite my going for it.

I’m just going to sit with that for now… perhaps it is what will do me best, not to resist it or disappear it right away… perhaps it still just needs to be felt at times…

So, I’ll feel it…

Post-a-day 2020

Sunday, fun day

Today had lots of emotions.

And they, for the most part, were experienced, addressed, and released.

I painted lots, and all of it while on the front porch swing, which was utterly lovely.

(Except for the few times the wind disappeared, and it was just miserably warm for about a minute or two until the wind picked up again out of nowhere…. those were not so utterly lovely…)

So, I learned all about which brushes to use for which brush strokes, which was awesome…

I played with flowers…

Super happy with the success of painting today(!), and very glad to have kept with this goal of mine to paint on Sundays. 😀

I then had to stop somewhat abruptly in the middle of number ten, because I felt that it was time to work on a song that suddenly was becoming very clear in my head as I painted.

So, I went inside, got to work, pulled together pieces I had wanted to use but had almost abandoned from a song yesterday and the day before – song got abandoned, but the good words got used today! – and completed the new song, recording it and all.

It helped a lot with some emotions that have been hammering the past few days, and I am grateful for that especially.

Then I rode my bicycle, stopped to listen to some lovely guitar playing and singing in the park, was invited to join the small trio, joined them, and enjoyed company for the first time in a long while… and not just because they are people, but because they are perilla I genuinely liked and enjoyed having around me…, so that was great.

And the music was, too. 🙂 ❤

I love music, and I especially love good music, and I especially especially love good music being played casually right in front of or next to me.

So, it was wonderful.

Then I found a hidden minuscule park one of the trio had mentioned was near my house, and I enjoyed the Live Oak that its heart and only means of existence.

I think I will go back in the daytime to admire and appreciate some more this week.

Now, I go to sleep, exhausted… exhausted… and it’s 2:05zzz…

I am nervous for the governor’s announcement tomorrow.. I want to continue working from home for a while longer… so, I have been nervous to go to sleep tonight…

Alas, I want to sleep now, so I shall sleep.

Goodnight, World… May we have loveliness tomorrow. ❤

Post-a-day 2020

Time flies

I just realized that this order expires this coming Thursday… who would have thought I would long to be forced to stay at home?

I have been so delightfully productive with my time, and so emotionally healthy because of it all lately…, I want to keep it up a while longer, I believe.

I have more to accomplish before I am ready to release myself on the normal world again.

At the very least, I suppose I had better get to work on a few specific things already this weekend, then, if I want to be sure they’re handled before outing life begins anew…

Mmhmm…

Post-a-day 2020

Sing to me

Working on another song today – some acquaintances in a digital happy hour check-in Wednesday night told me to go ahead and just make a whole album about my feelings right now, because plenty of artists have done just that, and, did I know that Gwen Stefani did that with the one album she wrote about her bass player, and then they went on tour with the album but she was already with someone else? – I was embracing the tweeting birds and the sunlight outside, by spending the afternoon on the front porch swing, guitar at my side.

I eventually had what felt like a solid foundation for a song – it just needed some touch-ups, and perhaps a line-change or two – and I was playing and singing through the whole of it to see how I felt about it, see what stood out as lacking or needing to change, etc.

Partway through, I sensed something, and looked up to see someone standing at the bottom of the porch steps, leaning around the bushes (which block most of the porch from being seen from the sidewalk) somewhat to see me.

I stopped immediately, yet calmly, and greeted the person kindly.

I noticed that he was shirtless and potentially thin – bushes made it hard to tell if he was just slim or actually lacking in nutrition.

“Can I help you?” I offer.

It then turns out that, no, he is not homeless, but had been exercising at one of the nearby parks, and was heading home to where he lived nearby.

He had heard what he thought was the radio, but then he couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.

Eventually, he realized that it was live music – someone was playing guitar and singing somewhere very nearby.

When he figured out where, he just had to come closer to listen.

He then used various phrases to say that he wanted me to sing and play for him now, even though I already had been singing, and still would be singing, if he hadn’t creeped up to my porch…

Now, I totally did a version of this while on my bicycle ride Wednesday evening, so I am careful with judgement here, however, I didn’t go up to the person’s porch and freak him out – I pulled over across the street and listened to the music coming from a second-floor window.

Anyway, I let it go, since he isn’t coming across as dangerous at present, and I allow him to talk.

I answer a question he asks about what I had just been singing/playing, and then sit, with very few phrases leaving my mouth, for probably the next ten or fifteen minutes, listening to this guy going on and on about things.

Sure, it was interesting the first time you mentioned about your mom encouraging you to do country western music, instead of hip hop or rap, like you had always imagined, and I think it is great to let stereotypes be blown away at times, but did you have to tell me all of that at least three times each?

And please, stop trying to sound philosophical – pet peeve here – when you really aren’t… you actually have some great points of philosophy, but you don’t even seem to notice it, and, instead, BS elsewhere, and end up sounding somewhat stupid (which, you clearly aren’t so bad off, due to the real points, but you are really not helping yourself here).

Also, it really feels like you’re working hard to flirt with me… did you not listen to the very first things that came out of my mouth, about how the song I was just singing is based on the idea of how I miss a guy and want to be where he is, instead of here??

I would have thought that an obvious sign of my likely disinterest in any other guys, which would include you…

At least he put his shirt back on early on in the conversation(?)… interaction.

I’m being snarky, I know… I thought it was sweet, but also a bit annoying that it kept going on for so long, especially when I had just been so focused and excited about where I had just reached with the song.

I kept reminding myself to let it go, and to allow this interaction to happen – perhaps one of us needs it more than the other.

And he ended up singing to me from two country western songs he likes to sing.

He definitely has the timber of country western music down, and so I can see why his mother would have encouraged such an endeavor.

I told him so, too, and encouraged it myself, allowing him the idea of pursuing it, only should that be what he wants and feels called to do.

And then he talked a while longer, and I knew I was done… bugs were starting to show up, and I was committed to finishing this song and getting a recording before I went back indoors.

So, I kindly told him that I was getting back to work, and that I wanted to do that on my own, and I wished him home safely and wished him well…, and, of course, I was prepared to tell him that I wanted him to leave, if it weren’t already clear to him from the somewhat direct words (since he had already missed the opportunity before, when I had said I wanted to get back to work, but allowed him to stay if he wished [I really didn’t mind that part, but minded when he started talking to me again, just because I had stopped playing for a minute, which had been to work out some lyrics]).

And so, I got back to work on the song, finally, forgot to fix the beginning, and recorded it all, anyway.

I got a great version recorded, but lawn guys started mowing across the street right in the middle of the recording… I kept going, just in case, but I mostly knew it wouldn’t work.

I hoped for the best, but it didn’t work out as a good recording, so I had merely been wasting my finger strength for the day, unfortunately.

Finally, after a few mess-ups, I got a recording that was mostly accurate and good, and, since my fingers were already struggling during that recording, I knew it was the last play for the day…, so, I let it be.

Perhaps I’ll do the changes to the first line, if and when I do a real recording for an album…. for now, though, I am okay being satisfied and done with this song for a while.

And I do like it… I just wish I had caught it about the first line before I ran out of finger strength.

Oh, well… everything turns out perfectly somehow, so there’s clearly something perfect pushing all of this into place today. 😛

Fingers crossed for that perfection to show up sooner, rather than later. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Musical date

I told a friend that I wished he would get back into playing violin again, after a several-year hiatus.

Since he is stuck at home, it feels like the perfect time for him to do it.

After hearing what I had to say, why I was saying my wish in the first place, he said he definitely would do it: Challenge accepted!

My mom said that you were working from home right now. I said, “I wish he would start playing violin again.” She replied, “You should tell him that. He’s probably still up.”

I just really, really loved the experience of you playing violin. I mean no uncomfortable pressure by the sharing. I just have missed that part of you these past several years – you have this really amazing part of you that shows up when you play, and I always have loved it. 😉

To which he replied:

OMGoodness. What a wonderful thing to say

And he then proceeded to tell of his recent considerations of playing, and his acceptance of the challenge!

And then, when I mentioned that I had somehow started writing songs, he said that he would get to work on violin, and then we could play/sing for one another one day in the near future.

!!!

So, basically, I have a music date with one of my dearest family friends at some point in the undetermined near future!!!

I can hardly wait(!).

And I will have to figure out what to sing and play for him for this…, which is actually really exciting and inspiring me.

Awesome. 😀

I am so ready for this fun (by which I mean to include the preparation as well as the actual music date)!

Post-a-day 2020

Struggle Bus

Boy, has this weekend been giving me a run for my money… oh, wait… I don’t really have any money….

Well, it has certainly made me feel like I am slowly falling to pieces via a slow and painful inward collapse from anger, frustration, and helplessness…

And I know everything will be great and more than fine, and I am great and more than fine, and everything else hopeful and positive in my life will be amazing… I know all of that.

Nonetheless, I am having lots of emotions hit me pretty hard this weekend.

An escape to the forest and mountains would be spectacular right now… some nature would be good for me, instead of a house in the middle of a city with all of its parks closed for the time being…

Anyway, I haven’t got that option.

But it was nice to visualize it for a few moments…

Perhaps I’ll just go to sleep somewhat early again tonight.

I slept really hard and well last night, and for eleven hours – clearly I was lacking in sleep.

Now, we shall see if tonight’s rest will help me tomorrow…

Time for some more meditation and reading, and then I shall pray for healing through sleep.

Wishing you all well,

Peace

Hannah

Post-a-day 2020

The time is now

There’s no time like the present, right?

Which, I guess, means that there’s no time like one in the morning! 😛

I had just completed a few hours of meditative work both for myself and for a friend – making a mala, and being very intentional about the whole thing and its entire process, thus taking hours to do it all, to meditate first on what to do, and then meditating by doing it – and, as I was packing up things, I acknowledged that the pull I had felt the past hour or so to play my second song (with the hopes of getting it recorded to share) was worth it… bed could wait a little longer – it wasn’t like I had to be anywhere early tomorrow, nor that I couldn’t nap as needed throughout the day (though I do have to start work at 9am, it is from home, and I don’t exactly have to talk to anyone first thing, possibly at all, so I’m okay to be a bit short on sleep…, even though I struggled with sleep last night…, but I’ll get back to that in a sec…).

Plus, this pull was more than just one to record a video or audio recording… there was something emotional pulling at me through it…

All these emotions that had gone into the song, they were ready to release, to be expressed, and to start to move onward… I had sat in them consciously for long enough – it was time.

Just to be sure, I played once just for myself, just to see how it went.

It was practically flawless.

So, then, yes, it was time.

I pulled up my computer, tested the sound and video and all, and then recorded…

And it was perfect.

And it was 1:12 in the morning, and that was perfect, somehow, too.

And now, without sharing the video, I will go get ready for bed and go to sleep, with hopes that, with these emotions out of me like this, I will find rest tonight, and can wake up refreshed tomorrow… unlike today.

And yet, even with these thoughts and feelings waking me while it was still dark outside, and not allowing but another short bit of respite – although, can we call it respite when we just end up inside stressy dreams with all the same thoughts and feelings that kept us up in the first place? – I still seem to be functioning at, now, almost two in the morning… I trust that I will be okay tomorrow, especially after resting for real… yes… I will sleep well tonight.

Thank you, God, for the music and the words… they are invaluable to me right now, and I am immensely grateful.

And I am ready for whatever is next : )

Post-a-day 2020

Skin and Clothes

Okay, so this time all on my own and with my lonesome thoughts has been tough and uncomfortable on me…

🙂

In a way, I’ve been totally fine, yet I’ve been kind of a total mess – I’ve had to sit in some really uncomfortable space emotionally, and, not having any distractions from life has really given me the conscious opportunity to be okay with the discomfort. :/

So, though it has sucked, it has been good for me as a person, I believe… and it will continue to be better and better for me, so long as I persist is allowing the emotions to happen and then to disappear after being heard.

Also, I desperately miss hugs and physical contact right now… another really stressful point for me that has been bringing up a lot of history for me…, yet a good opportunity for me to learn to be my best self, even in the face of no agreement from the world.

I am finally doing a bit of genuine work for work, as of yesterday, and not just waiting around for e-mails most of the day, however, my time has passed greatly in the pursuit of playing music (learned to play the harmonium!), listening to music, making malas, making an art journal, painting, walking, cycling, checking on my friend’s cat for her, cooking and eating food, exercising, sitting on the porch swing, working on photos, watching(?) a few movies, reading books, daydreaming like no other, reminiscing, eating loquats off the tree out front…, and I started a puzzle today… to name a few of my activities 😂

That vein said, this has really been a wonderful time lately of me exploring my self-expression in my wardrobe… one area where I do feel comfortable and at ease.

I just put on what I genuinely want to wear each morning, and I don’t even have a thought of concern when I have to go outside or to the store – I am comfortable and confident in my clothes, and excited by each outfit, every day… and delighted at how varied it all is, and at how I find myself chuckling at times, when I see how much skin is (potentially) visible – I never would have Dared wear such an outfit as some of these before, even at home… let alone Out in the world!

Yet, today’s outfit was just the same: I dressed how I truly wanted to dress this morning, having true fun in picking out the pieces, and then I had to go to two grocery stores…, and I never even considered a need to change clothes or anything, because I was already so okay with what I was wearing – of course it was fine to wear in public.

And so, I publicked in it, I laughed when I realized how I couldn’t possibly have worn or even considered this outfit in the past, and I was overjoyed at my clear progress in this realm of my life.

The outfit:

I know it isn’t exactly scandalous, but that’s exactly the point: It isn’t scandalous – just great, and it happens to show skin (especially when the wind blows).

And I love and loved it.

So, yeah…, there’s that for joy from today and these past couple weeks. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

I said I’m sorry, Momma…

I never meant to hurt you-ou-ou…. I never meant to make you cry, but tonight, I’m cleanin’ out my closet.

So, as usual, when with my mother today, though we agreed that we always get into a struggle whenever I have to cook in her kitchen, and that it was best that my mom do the cooking (she was already planning to do) alone, and that I wanted to leave by 7pm…, she did not even finish cooking until after 7pm, and she fussed at me briefly for not helping her cook.

::face palm

Instead of struggling in the kitchen, however, I ventured to the attic.

It is a tiny space for storage, for whatever reason, but I had verified a few years back with my mom that it was okay for me to leave just a few boxes-o-stuff until further notice, and without it being any kind of struggle or strain on her in any way, so I had a few things up there.

Of course, creatures had wandered through the cardboard boxes, and humidity or rain(?) had touched one of them, but the contents were all still okay.

(All except that one doll, that is, whose long, curly hair had started to disintegrate, first falling off in chucks, and then all eventually falling out when I went ahead and rubbed it just to see what the result would be…)

I went through two of the boxes, threw away unwanted, unusable stuff, washed some clothes and towels that had been keeping things safe, put various items into the donation box, and saved the handful of items I intend to bring to my house next week (assuming I am allowed by society, of course), placing the box itself, folded up, into the recycling bin.

Knowing what is in the final box and a half, I have a feeling I will be taking a few quick photos and then tossing most of the remaining contents… I have simply reached an entirely new place regarding having things – having so much actually stresses me out… it felt so good to go through those guys today, and to handle them already… they have been a pressure on me ever since I stuck them up there, years ago… I can hardly wait to finish them up, and to move forward comfortably and confidently with what I own.

By the time we were ready to eat, I had not only gone through most of the boxes and handled the contents, but I had vacuumed the hall (for what had fallen from the attic upon opening it), and I had raided my favorites of my mom’s old cocktail dresses, tried them on, and requested to take one of them and to have another re-made for me, both due to my desire to have it fit a bit more comfortably (especially considering that my legs are a lot longer than hers) and to have it not be falling apart (sad, I know).

I also had raided my mom’s record albums, and taken the majority of them off her hands… I originally was just checking to see if she had had one of my own albums that I can’t seem to find, post-Japan, but it turned into, ‘Hey, you aren’t using these… can I take them potentially indefinitely?’… and she has no record player anymore, so she agreed easily.

So, basically, I went to hang out with my mom, pick up something important from her that I need for work Monday, – I know, kind of crazy that we even have work Monday, but we still do, as of this moment(!) – and to eat food together.

As usual, things didn’t quite go as intended… however, I cleaned out the attic, and gained a bunch of record albums… thus my quick reference to one of my beloved childhood crushes at the top of this… it was an attic, not a closet, but oh, well… 😛

Post-a-day 2020