Tag: life

Lacrosse

It came up in a comfortable conversation today – a conversation I had wanted to have and was afraid to have, and which I began anyway – that I coached lacrosse and helped start the women’s program at a school where I previously worked.

The conversation ended with the other person informing me that he would get back in touch with me soon to follow up, and with my now talking with the head of the men’s lacrosse team.

Now, it seems, I might actually become an assistant coach for the men’s lacrosse team this year… how fun and crazy is that?

And all I did was ask about someone’s running these days.

Truly, though, I have faith proven in this case – I felt that it was perfect to go ahead and speak to him, and it turned out to be just that: perfect.

Thank you, God.

Post-a-day 2019

What goes down at the museum

So, this happened while we were walking around the current exhibit (Fashion photography) at the museum today…

We actually had a somewhat difficult time not laughing too loudly as we were doing this.

I had asked my mom if she was going to give me back the cash I’d lent her anytime soon… (She was leaving town right after we finished the painting class we were doing one day, and she realized that she had forgotten to stop and get cash at the bank, so I just gave her some that I had.)

A couple comments later, my mom has turned to me and is opening up her wallet… as she starts flipping through the bills contained within it, I notice myself taking a quick glance around the room (exhibit room), and suddenly feeling like I was just checking to make sure no one could see what we were doing….

And I instantly thought about how shady a scenario this, under different circumstances, could be.

‘Are we doing our sketchy drug deal in the museum?’ I said quietly to my mom.

We both then glanced around and could hardly contain ourselves as she counted out money, and I gave her a coupon I had recently been given and wouldn’t be using.

Quite the dealing, though I say so myself. 😛

Post-a-day 2019

Rules

There is a school zone that has been illuminated on my way home from school (which is work) every afternoon so far this week.

The school is clearly not in session, because there is no one visible on the campus, but I also know that schools are just not yet in session again for the year.

However, the flashing lights flash, making the speed limit 20 miles per hour.

And everyone except for me ignores it.

Fortunately, there aren’t too many cars at the time I’m heading home, so they avoid me easily enough.

I on my Vespa putz alone at 20mph, while everyone zips by at their standard 38-40mph (the regular speed limit is 35mph)…

I follow the rules.

Plus, I really would like to steer clear of anything but good things, when it comes to driving and safety.

But yeah… that’s a bit annoying and troublesome, how people handle the school zone…. also that it isn’t turned off while the school is clearly still on break…

Anyway…

Post-a-day 2019

Temporary

Today, when discussing the matter of my being pointedly excluded from the meetings and training, one young guy said, ‘They’re doing a great job of making you feel temporary!’

I replied, ‘Right! Exactly! I was actually crying on the phone to my cousin last night because of that exactly!’

We were all smiles, actually laughing at the absurdity of it all, and my smile was truly genuine – I felt so much love coming from them.

Afterward, that young guy came to me to tell me clearly that he hadn’t meant to be u kind with his words – he had been joking, and hadn’t realized it would be true, that I really felt that way and was having that experience so strongly.

I told him comfortably that I was in no way offended by his comment – it was truly the perfect way of putting words to the situation, and I took no offense whatsoever from it.

He then shared even more love-positive words with me on the matter, and I was just so fully loved, I almost didn’t care about having missed all the meetings… plus, he took notes in the meetings for me after that, which was super sweet (and actually extremely helpful!).

Yes, I am in a temporary position at this work.

But my department really showed me the love today – I am looking forward to having them around these next months. 🙂

Post-a-day 2019

Loved by the meeting

I lie on my bed, towel wrapped around my head, body drying casually via the fan by my bed, and eyes burning slightly due to a combination of fatigue, dehydration, a bit of crying earlier, and a brimming feeling of crying a bit again now.

I cannot yet determine why I do much care… so what, if they don’t like me and don’t want to keep me?… and, even if they asked me not to stay, so What??

That’s the answer I currently am seeking…, but I am beginning to wonder if I actually want an answer to it, or if fear has me avoiding actually looking to find an answer.

And so, let us see this together, phone keyboard and screen and I…

If I am rejected in any of these forms, I perceive it as my being not good enough for being loved…. period, I think…

Yeah – it would mean that not only do they not value and love me, but no one else would either… and then I would not be able to live anymore, as love is necessary for life.

Okay, so, …. so much rejection is painful right now… the dating app nonsense has me on edge about being loved already, and this makes it more so…

I want to be loved and wanted, because being wanted, for me, is a form of being loved dearly… and being unwanted is being unloved…

I want to go to these meetings, because I thoroughly believe they will help to make me a better teacher and a better person.

I believe it is important for me to attend the meetings.

They, somehow, do not agree, for whatever reason or reasons, we’ll say.

So, I don’t get the ideal circumstances for beginning the school year, then… it would be as though I were asked in the middle of the year to take over, as has many times already been the case…

If they want me absent from the meetings, so what?… this isn’t my home… not yet, anyway… (and my home would have me attend, if I expressed the desire)…

Okay… that helps… this is just a passing point – there is a lesson (possibly hundreds of lessons) to learn here, and then I will move on to the next thing, the next lesson, and possibly even the application of what I will have learned from this lesson…

Yeah…

I also dislike being treated like only a half-teacher, or whatever this is – I am a real teacher, and that’s why you’re hiring me to come teach, even if it is only for a temporary time.

You want me… you are depriving me…

It is your school…, not mine… I can only give what you’ll allow me to give…

Yes, that’s it… stop fooling around, Banana… I can only give what they will allow me to give, so give what they’ll allow, and pray and intend for better and better each time.

For now, I’ll rest for the night, and I’ll see how things feel in the morning.

I can do this, or course… it merely would be a deal easier if they would let me do it this way… yep.

Okay, sweet dreams.

Goodnight.

Post-a-day 2019

Nerves

Tomorrow begins my work at a school that neighbored my own high school.

I am nervous, because it is the first day on location of a new job – typical nerves.

I am also nervous, however, because of this inner piece of me that is terrified every time I consider stepping foot into their campus.

In high school, it was always a chance for me to be in trouble and to be yelled at by some authority figure, whenever I walked into their campus… yes, I had real reasons to be there, – attending classes or speaking with the teachers of those classes – however, I was fussed at a couple times for being there at a time I wasn’t supposed to be there, and, therefore, lived in an almost-constant fear of getting in trouble whenever I went over there.

Even this past year, going there twice a week for tutoring, being given a visitor or tutor badge by the same woman who always checks in on how I’m doing and occasionally jokes about my needing my own personal badge to use, since I am there so often…, even with that, there is always a little part of me that is terrified.

I’m not sure I’ll ever shake the feeling entirely, but I am glad that I have identified what the fear is, as the identification already removes almost all of the fear’s power, as it is.

… which, in a way, shows how great the fear used to be, since it is still right there in my gut every visit these days, more than a decade later…

So, I’m nervous about tomorrow… and also the whole quarter, which is when I will be teaching full-time… and also about the second quarter, which is when I’ll need to be finishing up my thesis that currently has yet to begin…

Yeah…

Dear God, grant me your guidance that I might do what is perfect for me to do, and that I might be fully true to myself in all that I do… bless us all that we be happy, healthy, holy…

Amen 🙂

Go get ’em, Tiger. 😉

Post-a-day 2019

Dating App(rehension)s

I never really approved of the idea in the first place, but the excitement of something new and a little bit scary convinced me to let me friend do all the work for signing me up on dating apps.

Little did she know that, when I’d said she would have to do everything for me, I really meant she would have to do everything on the apps for me – including have them on her own phone to use.

(Fun fact: When I was telling my cousin this, and mentioning how the app wouldn’t work on my phone, so my friend had o put it on her own phone, if she wanted to pursue the app idea, I started the phrase, “Little did she know that, when I said she would have to do everything for me…”, and my cousin finished it, “that included going on the actual dates…” :P)

Now that it all has ended, I have even less faith in the applications…

I dislike judging people so 2-D face-value, and I dislike being judged so.

Judge me by meeting me…. as, I believe, Ender Wiggin said, don’t judge me until you know me… and I want to do the same with others.

Dating apps are not the way to do that.

My cousin and I were discussing the idea of a dating app that was something more of a collage of interests and hobbies and loves of each individual, with a photo of the person down at the bottom, as the last thing to see on the profile – take a bit to get to know the person some, and then see how he/she appears visually…

Otherwise, we are merely scrolling through different varieties, looking for the color, make, model, and year that we feel best suits ourselves (on the outside, anyway), rather mechanizing and dehumanizing the whole process of finding a partner in life…

And I am just not about that way of doing things.

Instead, I shall recall with delight my silly adventures in dating*** – yes, they are silly – and move on with things, letting go of the whole dating app thing and dating concerns of my friend altogether.

Yeah… good and silly memories to lighten the feel of this all. 😛

****Find here the silly adventures:

My Dating Life

Uh-oh Ramen

These three were the same guy… and I was told afterward by Japanese women that it totally was a date… and I hadn’t been too sure… 😛

Fitting in…

Architecture is a gray area

Women’s Gym Buzz

Post-a-day 2019

Family

………………….

Journal entry for August 2, 2019

Today, we learned that C— has no penis…

………………….

This evening was an extended family evening, and a rather wonderful time.

There was chatter, discussion, story-telling, and lots of laughter.

At one point, one of my cousins, G—, shared this delightful story with us, and I knew immediately that I just had to write about it, because it was well worth sharing with the world.

She and her husband have two little girls, approximately aged four years and two years, and then a baby boy aged almost ten weeks.

Her husband, C—, was changing the diaper of the baby boy, and A—, the eldest girl, was observing.

A: Daddy, what’s that?!

C: Uh, well, it’s a penis… it’s because he is a boy… he is a boy, so he has a penis… that’s what makes him a boy, instead of a girl…

A:……. But Daddy, you’re a boy and you don’t have a penis….

C:… Actually, yes, I do have a penis…

A:….. Really?????

Conclusion from my cousin telling the story: Emasculated by a four-year-old. 😂

Afterward, my grandma commented that she thought it was such a shame that no one was documenting this sort of thing, – I had already determined that I was definitely writing about it tonight, but I didn’t mention anything about it – and my aunt said that the point was people telling one another stories…

My grandma was worried that the stories get lost, you see, and so my mom leaned over the counter, and starter scribbling with an imaginary pen into an imaginary book, saying aloud, “August 2, 2019: Today, we learned that C— has no penis.”

My uncle, whose son-in-law C— is, and who genuinely likes C—, nearly cried himself out of his chair, he laughed so hard at that – I mean, we all laughed rather hard, but he practically exploded with his laugher.

It was a very good little time tonight. 🙂

Thank you, God, for this blessing.

Note: Yes, yes, I know gender stuff is all up and about right now, however, I am not letting it disturb the hilarity of this particular stupendous father-daughter exchange – the story is not meant to offend in any way; it is merely something that happened that I find wonderful and worth sharing.

P.S. It occurred to me that, while I still am not there with the solo dancing I want to teach in prisons, I am at the very edge of receiving my yoga teacher certification, – a type of yoga that uses lots of meditation and mantra and healing exercises – and I could look into teaching that in prisons… something also incredibly beautiful and powerful and potentially extremely beneficial to those living in prison, especially as part of their preparation to move back into the world outside of prison… So, yeah… I’m suddenly rather inspired to get that certification finished ASAP.

P.P.S. And then, that had me thinking that I might somehow get the opportunity to do portraits of people in prison…. and that could be a beautiful project, be it for their future work portraits or for a neat project of sharing about prisons with the world… yeah… that’s gonna stay on the side in my mind, ready for when the time is right to act on it… definitely… 🙂

Post-a-day 2019

Road Trip Prep

A miniature shout-out to Amazon Music, the App – I just prepared a BA (aka totally nerdy and perfect) playlist for our miniature road trip tomorrow morning.

My mom and I will be able to listen to the glorious soundtracks to various Broadway productions that we love and others that we expect to love in the near future…. and it will cost me no data whatsoever – I downloaded them over wifi just now, for free, and I will play them off my phone in the car tomorrow while we drive.

Some are new, some are older-ish-new, and some are throwbacks to my childhood… whatever the case, I suspect and expect we will have a grand ole time singing along to most of them. 🙂

Post-a-day 2019

At-home Malai Kulfi

Finally, I am going to bed.

It’s 2:18 in the morning, and I am absolutely wiped… my eyes are even burning around the edges, and are heavy with weight and sleep…

Why am I still up, you ask?

Well, I somehow thought it was an acceptable idea to start making handmade homemade ice cream around 10:30pm… every fifteen-ish minutes since then, I have pulled out the tub from the freezer and stirred, and then replaced it in the freezer…

Only on this last stir did I accept that it was good enough for tonight – I ate many bites more than the one intended, and I enjoyed them thoroughly – and put it back in the freezer for the rest of the night and however long tomorrow.

Oh, the flavour is cardamom, rose, cinnamon, vanilla… absolutely delicious.

It tastes a lot like Malai Kulfi, the amazing Indian dessert.

Oh, and, what’s better (to me, anyway) if that it is Paleo (and, even, vegan and raw), made with coconut milk, sunflower seed butter, maple syrup, a bit of salt, and the spices… which, (again) to me, makes it all the more delicious.

Yummy!

And it’s in my tummy (and likely will be again tomorrow, too!)!

Post-a-day 2019