Phew!

Okay, yay – this is exactly what I have wanted and needed these past several weeks.

I wanted a more definitive feel for the situation, and I now have it.

Sure, I totally cried really hard for a while, but it was what I was wanting… truly.

Now, I’m clear that it isn’t happening and that it isn’t meant to be (for now, anyway, but that’s good enough for me to be at ease about it).

I said what I felt I needed to say to let it go, and I am starting to be filled with this feeling of breathing deeply, and as though I hadn’t experienced such breathing for ages, somehow.

Ha.

It really is nice to breathe…

And, though it is an extreme disappointment that things are not working out as I had hoped, even wished, I have full faith in the World, in the Universe, in God… there is absolutely something better on the horizon.

This was an opportunity for me to learn, and I definitely have learned much from it… definitely.

(And I do not mean just a bunch of surface-level nonsense, but true and deep insight into myself and who and how I want to be and when and how I can be at my best, and what that means in terms of the people who are around me [on many levels] and the relationships and interactions we all have with one another.)

Yes, this has been quite valuable.

And I am so grateful to be able to let go now of the stress I was building within me because of it all…

Yes, it is lovely to begin to breathe freely again.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Post-a-day 2020

Donโ€™t do it

You know, I swear, alcohol makes me stupid.

I was fine…. fine…, but then l, give me one single, not very strong margarita, and I suddenly lose all powers of sanity.

I had been doing very well focusing mentally on unflattering photos of this guy, and combining them with the fact that he doesn’t check in on me anymore, and it was becoming easier and easier to let go of the idea of him… rather, to let go of him, and just to have fun with the idea he had inspired within me…, because the idea is still there, but I have somewhat run away with it, knowing that it is likely to be only an idea…, so I have been having fun with the idea, since I can’t have fun with him.

Anyway, he finally wasn’t taking up 90% of my conscious thoughts anymore… perhaps it was down to about 30%, and they didn’t affect me near so much as they had before.

I thought I was actually letting go of him, and that I was okay with it.

Then, with some alcohol in my system, what do I do?

Suddenly start thinking about him, wondering how he is doing, knowing I have been working actively to stay out of it, yet fully aware that I still want to know…, and so I send him a message to check in…, because I really do want to know.

And then, later on, after, of course, no reply – as was expected – my thoughts are stuck around him all over again… and I find myself miserable and on the point of tears because of how much I really wanted this whole thing to work out for us.

That, and I really just want a long hug from someone who loves me…or maybe just to be held and petted for a few hours… much like how my friend’s cat snuggles with me whenever I am over there, no shame in wanting to be intertwined with me, while lying on top of me, and demanding rubbing, too…

Yeah…

Anyway, to sum up, alcohol made me feel stupid tonight, but it also made me realize that I was more avoiding my emotions than actually handling them… I’m not sure at present how to proceed, but I’ll just let myself sit in this for now, and see how tomorrow feels when I get there.

Post-a-day 2020

Sing to me

Working on another song today – some acquaintances in a digital happy hour check-in Wednesday night told me to go ahead and just make a whole album about my feelings right now, because plenty of artists have done just that, and, did I know that Gwen Stefani did that with the one album she wrote about her bass player, and then they went on tour with the album but she was already with someone else? – I was embracing the tweeting birds and the sunlight outside, by spending the afternoon on the front porch swing, guitar at my side.

I eventually had what felt like a solid foundation for a song – it just needed some touch-ups, and perhaps a line-change or two – and I was playing and singing through the whole of it to see how I felt about it, see what stood out as lacking or needing to change, etc.

Partway through, I sensed something, and looked up to see someone standing at the bottom of the porch steps, leaning around the bushes (which block most of the porch from being seen from the sidewalk) somewhat to see me.

I stopped immediately, yet calmly, and greeted the person kindly.

I noticed that he was shirtless and potentially thin – bushes made it hard to tell if he was just slim or actually lacking in nutrition.

“Can I help you?” I offer.

It then turns out that, no, he is not homeless, but had been exercising at one of the nearby parks, and was heading home to where he lived nearby.

He had heard what he thought was the radio, but then he couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.

Eventually, he realized that it was live music – someone was playing guitar and singing somewhere very nearby.

When he figured out where, he just had to come closer to listen.

He then used various phrases to say that he wanted me to sing and play for him now, even though I already had been singing, and still would be singing, if he hadn’t creeped up to my porch…

Now, I totally did a version of this while on my bicycle ride Wednesday evening, so I am careful with judgement here, however, I didn’t go up to the person’s porch and freak him out – I pulled over across the street and listened to the music coming from a second-floor window.

Anyway, I let it go, since he isn’t coming across as dangerous at present, and I allow him to talk.

I answer a question he asks about what I had just been singing/playing, and then sit, with very few phrases leaving my mouth, for probably the next ten or fifteen minutes, listening to this guy going on and on about things.

Sure, it was interesting the first time you mentioned about your mom encouraging you to do country western music, instead of hip hop or rap, like you had always imagined, and I think it is great to let stereotypes be blown away at times, but did you have to tell me all of that at least three times each?

And please, stop trying to sound philosophical – pet peeve here – when you really aren’t… you actually have some great points of philosophy, but you don’t even seem to notice it, and, instead, BS elsewhere, and end up sounding somewhat stupid (which, you clearly aren’t so bad off, due to the real points, but you are really not helping yourself here).

Also, it really feels like you’re working hard to flirt with me… did you not listen to the very first things that came out of my mouth, about how the song I was just singing is based on the idea of how I miss a guy and want to be where he is, instead of here??

I would have thought that an obvious sign of my likely disinterest in any other guys, which would include you…

At least he put his shirt back on early on in the conversation(?)… interaction.

I’m being snarky, I know… I thought it was sweet, but also a bit annoying that it kept going on for so long, especially when I had just been so focused and excited about where I had just reached with the song.

I kept reminding myself to let it go, and to allow this interaction to happen – perhaps one of us needs it more than the other.

And he ended up singing to me from two country western songs he likes to sing.

He definitely has the timber of country western music down, and so I can see why his mother would have encouraged such an endeavor.

I told him so, too, and encouraged it myself, allowing him the idea of pursuing it, only should that be what he wants and feels called to do.

And then he talked a while longer, and I knew I was done… bugs were starting to show up, and I was committed to finishing this song and getting a recording before I went back indoors.

So, I kindly told him that I was getting back to work, and that I wanted to do that on my own, and I wished him home safely and wished him well…, and, of course, I was prepared to tell him that I wanted him to leave, if it weren’t already clear to him from the somewhat direct words (since he had already missed the opportunity before, when I had said I wanted to get back to work, but allowed him to stay if he wished [I really didn’t mind that part, but minded when he started talking to me again, just because I had stopped playing for a minute, which had been to work out some lyrics]).

And so, I got back to work on the song, finally, forgot to fix the beginning, and recorded it all, anyway.

I got a great version recorded, but lawn guys started mowing across the street right in the middle of the recording… I kept going, just in case, but I mostly knew it wouldn’t work.

I hoped for the best, but it didn’t work out as a good recording, so I had merely been wasting my finger strength for the day, unfortunately.

Finally, after a few mess-ups, I got a recording that was mostly accurate and good, and, since my fingers were already struggling during that recording, I knew it was the last play for the day…, so, I let it be.

Perhaps I’ll do the changes to the first line, if and when I do a real recording for an album…. for now, though, I am okay being satisfied and done with this song for a while.

And I do like it… I just wish I had caught it about the first line before I ran out of finger strength.

Oh, well… everything turns out perfectly somehow, so there’s clearly something perfect pushing all of this into place today. ๐Ÿ˜›

Fingers crossed for that perfection to show up sooner, rather than later. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post-a-day 2020

Which one did you want??

โ€œTurn on your video for a minute…,” I hear from the guy who, not quite 30 seconds beforehand, had entered the shopping aisle.

I turn and see him holding the phone up, clearly FaceTiming with someone, displaying the products in front of him, “Which one do you want? These are TAMPAX… I don’t know which one you want.”

I smile heartily, enlivened by his comfort in asking for help, and his lack of embarrassment at the situation as a whole… he is not opposed to admitting he does not know, nor is he opposed to learning how to help.

“Unscented… super plus,” I hear come from the phone in a woman’s voice.

Wow… I never would have even thought to say ‘unscented’… I don’t even want to think about what scented tampons means… eww…

I look over again, and see the guy pointing the phone in very much the wrong direction – I happen to have just been looking at the exact product he is now seeking, so I know at a glance where it is – and so I smile again, and walk over and point out the right box for him, “It’s this one.”

With delight and gratitude, he takes notice, and grabs the box I’ve pointed out to him, saying a genuine thank-you to me, and saying, somewhat disappointedly, that he really doesn’t know all this.

“Unless she wants the Pearl…, in which case it’s this one,” I add as I point to a different box, placed elsewhere on the wall of products, recalling that most people seem to prefer the plastic applicators.

“Oh(!)…”. He holds the phone in front of the second box and asks, “Do you want Pearl?”

She confirms that she does, and he confirms what he is going to purchase, then he thanks me again, mentions again about really not knowing this, and thanks me one final time before departing the aisle.

I am smiling so hard, that was such a fun and comfortable and fulfilling exchange for me.

As I turn back to the organic section I had been perusing-slash-evaluating, an older lady is pushing a cart toward me from that end of the aisle.

She says to me, “What a good guy,” chuckling loudly, and we both share a few moments of laughter and smiles.

I wonder at her comment, not because I disagree with with, but because I imagine that she and I have different views on the situation as a whole.

The biggest part for me was that this guy wasn’t embarrassed to be on the aisle – he just happened to be on an aisle with which he wasn’t acquainted, like if I asked someone who doesn’t know about yarns to pick up some Artiste size ten mercerized cotton crochet thread for me, and sent him or her into a yarn shop or art supply store… it’s just a lot of new information that could take a long while to sort out.

But there’s no need to embarrassment at not knowing how to find the exact product I’ve requested.

Such was the case with this guy, and I really appreciated it.

Yes, I think it would be lovely for men to take the time – and women to take the time with them – to learn about feminine hygiene products, especially the ones that their significant others use, and why they use them, as well as what versions of them the women use and why.

Nonetheless, I think this situation today is an example of a good start for such a conversation, and it shows promise for society in moving to a place of comfort with feminine hygiene products and menstruation… we have a long way to go, I dare say, but I feel so much transformation already from these past ten-ish years – especially the past few years. – and how the younger generations are already approaching and addressing menstruation rather openly, both among women and in sharing more with men, talking about things that are so, and not letting the presence of men in a group stop them from sharing (e.g. ‘Hang on… I need to go put a tampon in before we start,’ or, ‘Today was crazy at work: right at we started our morning meeting, I started my period…’).

Keep it up, folks… keep sharing and keep learning… all of us, yeah?

Yeah. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post-a-day 2020

Musical date

I told a friend that I wished he would get back into playing violin again, after a several-year hiatus.

Since he is stuck at home, it feels like the perfect time for him to do it.

After hearing what I had to say, why I was saying my wish in the first place, he said he definitely would do it: Challenge accepted!

My mom said that you were working from home right now. I said, โ€œI wish he would start playing violin again.โ€ She replied, โ€œYou should tell him that. Heโ€™s probably still up.โ€

I just really, really loved the experience of you playing violin. I mean no uncomfortable pressure by the sharing. I just have missed that part of you these past several years – you have this really amazing part of you that shows up when you play, and I always have loved it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

To which he replied:

OMGoodness. What a wonderful thing to say

And he then proceeded to tell of his recent considerations of playing, and his acceptance of the challenge!

And then, when I mentioned that I had somehow started writing songs, he said that he would get to work on violin, and then we could play/sing for one another one day in the near future.

!!!

So, basically, I have a music date with one of my dearest family friends at some point in the undetermined near future!!!

I can hardly wait(!).

And I will have to figure out what to sing and play for him for this…, which is actually really exciting and inspiring me.

Awesome. ๐Ÿ˜€

I am so ready for this fun (by which I mean to include the preparation as well as the actual music date)!

Post-a-day 2020

Take it off

I found out yesterday that The Full Monty is not just a film, but also a stage play and a stage musical.

(!!!)

Did you see that???

The Full Monty

!!!!!!

And I kind of really want to see a production of it now….

No, I have never really been interested in any Chippendales activities (though I did have a blast* with both Magic Mike films, it wasn’t really for the reasons one might expect).

But, I think the fact that this film (and show, I guess – it wouldn’t be that different, right?) is about a group of goofy married (I think most of them are married, anyway) men who decide they can outdo and outshine (or at least end up comparable enough to earn some cash) traditional fit and sexy Chippendales performers… somehow…., and they go through this whole development and growth and transformation of outlook and spirit of life…., and it is just a lovely and totally silly and fun story, following these guys and feeling their emotions with them, and, especially, joining in their delighted terror and triumph as they actually pull themselves together and perform their show… just wow…

So, yeah, I want to be cheering on those guys in life.

I think it would be a really funny and silly and fun and empowering and inspiring show to see… because live is a whole ‘nother experience from a Hollywood film. ๐Ÿ˜€

No editing available on a live stage, so you can feel the extra layer of struggle within the actors, in addition to the struggle within the characters the actors play.

So good…, if it is done well, that is… and I hope it is done well… ๐Ÿ™‚

*The first was amazing, because I went on a new friend date with a guy from my dormitory where I had just moved in Germany… we had agreed we both wanted to go see a film in the theatre to practice our German, and Magic Mike was almost finished showing in theatres in Germany, so I kind of wanted to see what the fuss had been all about back in the US while I suddenly had the chance again… so, I asked him if that film was okay, because it was playing in 45 minutes at the theatre in town… there was a hit of back-and-forth about ‘Why this movie’, and I believe I convinced him with the fact that it was likely to have less difficult dialogue to follow, combined with the fact that it was just plain crazy for us to go see that film in particular… to practice our German…, as two disinterested-in-dating opposite-gendered people… So, that was great – I understood maybe 5-15% of the actual words said, though I still got the gist of the story.

The second time, I was at a girlfriend’s apartment while her best friend was in town to visit… they discovered that I hadn’t seen the second film, and declared that I must see it now…, so we put it on, and they whooped and hollered, and I giggled along with them…, but, what I noticed most, and what delighted me most, was the dancing… I could hardly wait to see the dancing, and just the opening dance scene in the workshop blew my mind happy – the creativity of the dance, as well as all the other dances in that film, due to their creativity and smooth execution, were just mind-blowingly fabulous…. such a great film… and I kind of understood the plot of it, too, like the first film.

Plus, I have always had a crush on Channing Tatum, so it was lovely to see him working through struggles as a smart, extremely capable man in both films…, and it was even cooler that he was a man who had true rhythm and could dance… and then even cooler cooler that it was all based out of his own story of being smart in life… just awesome, man. โค

Post-a-day 2020

The pressures of production

So, I just did this for productivity tonight:

I felt a need to do something tangible… as though the list of today’s accomplishments weren’t already long enough (Trust me: It is long enough already.).

It is called an anti-stress coloring book.

Just like the rest of its kind, though, it stressed me out with all the details.

So, I went for how I really felt.

And I actually like it a lot better this way…

Sigh

Do you ever feel tired of being productive? Like stressed out about it, I mean…

I have been so productive the past couple weeks or so, I feel that I now have the pressure of a standard I have set to be very high…

For example, this past week, I discovered song-writing, right?

I wrote three songs, one right after the other, spending about two days on each, beginning last Friday.

By this Friday, I felt sick about writing songs, because I felt this huge standard weighing on me suddenly, in the form of ‘another week means another two or three songs’.

And I just felt like I would fail, which has made the pressure even worse…

(Plus, on that topic in particular, when I even begin to revisit writing a song now, I grow instantly annoyed with the fact that nothing feels real – feelings and emotions from within myself – except my worried, upset, annoyed, and longing-for thoughts in relation to this guy I DON’T EVEN KNOW…. [Like seriously, I barely know him, and getting to know him better has not been going very well… he seems way less interested in getting to know me now than he did at the start…] Can I get over this already, please, so that I can return to my regular set of absurd emotions?… I can totally handle crazy, but it needs to be my crazy, not whatever these past three weeks or whatever have been… exhausting is what they have been, and I’m tired of it…)

So, I feel all this pressure continuously popping up to hang around for a while – maybe even a long while – and to make me feel like snuggling up and crying into a large stuffed animal in my bed – because we all know that I have no person with whom to do this – and sleeping the world away for a while…, I love being productive, but it has somehow become more like a contest against myself, and I very much dislike it – it is not empowering for me… just stressful, and it makes me want to give up and run away…

So, yeah… that’s about where I stand tonight… sigh… and I don’t particularly want to do anything to turn the emotions positive right this minute – I just want to be heard (because, again, we all know there is no one out there calling to see how my day went, and to wish me a lovely night’s sleep tonight).

Post-a-day 2020

Waltzing with trauma

Yesterday, a friend shared a recording of a waltz he sang.

It was lovely and inspiring.

I danced around my living room, true form and moves and everything; I felt it all through my back, that fabulous stress of tension that looks just glorious in the posture while waltzing… and I loved it.

And, while I was doing it, at one point, as I stumbled mentally on certain moves, I had the thought – the kind of thought that is more of an all-encompassing feeling and experience than it is actual words in my brain – of wanting to dance with a specific individual, as it would be so much easier if I were just waltzing with him.. it always was so easy to waltz with him…

It was a thought that made me open my eyes wider… it made me want to consider, but not too hard… for the moment, I would dance, and just set the thought to the side, and allow myself to return to it later on, so that I could enjoy my waltzing for the moment.

Today, listening to a faster waltz – a Viennese waltz – I found myself thinking again on how easy it always was, and therefore nice, to waltz with that same person who had come to mind yesterday…

I had, yesterday, found discomfort in my thoughts, via a slight worry that I actually would put myself back into interactions with this person – a person who hurt me terribly – , and thereby degrade my terrible experiences and all the feelings associated with them… kind of like just ignoring that they ever happened…

And that would feel like a disservice to myself, and a denial of my own value – for it was terrible, because I deserved and deserve so much better than the treatment I had been given – and I don’t want that to happen.

Yet, tonight, as those same thoughts arose again upon consideration of the somewhat surprising desire (?) to dance with him, I asked myself if there were something beyond that concern… What if that weren’t an issue? Is there something else to be noticed about this current scenario?

And there was, as it happens.

Just as I have said lately, and have very recently not so much discovered, but begun truly to acknowledge as being so within my own life, people are more than their good deeds or their bad deeds…. also, the good do not negate the bad, and the bad do not negate the good of an individual.

Said differently, if someone does loads of amazing things, and then does one bad thing, that one bad thing does not erase all the good things… and the reverse is true, as well, with one good thing not erasing all the bad things an individual has done.

What is the case, however, is that each action can stand for itself… a good deed can be taken as a good deed, a bad as a bad, and the one does not have to affect the other.

So, applied here, the terrible string of events and everything that happened because of that individual does not mean I need to feel guilty or worried or paranoid about wanting to waltz with him… I enjoyed waltzing with him, because he was good at waltzing… period.

And, just because I want to waltz with him, does not mean I am excusing him of all of the terrible he gave to me and my life, or even than I am saying it wasn’t a whole lot of terrible (because it certainly was a whole lot of terrible).

It simply means that, despite all the terrible, there was good, and I valued and still do value that good – in this case, the waltzing.

So, yeah… there’s that to think on for a while, I suppose.

Post-a-day 2020

Struggle Bus

Boy, has this weekend been giving me a run for my money… oh, wait… I don’t really have any money….

Well, it has certainly made me feel like I am slowly falling to pieces via a slow and painful inward collapse from anger, frustration, and helplessness…

And I know everything will be great and more than fine, and I am great and more than fine, and everything else hopeful and positive in my life will be amazing… I know all of that.

Nonetheless, I am having lots of emotions hit me pretty hard this weekend.

An escape to the forest and mountains would be spectacular right now… some nature would be good for me, instead of a house in the middle of a city with all of its parks closed for the time being…

Anyway, I haven’t got that option.

But it was nice to visualize it for a few moments…

Perhaps I’ll just go to sleep somewhat early again tonight.

I slept really hard and well last night, and for eleven hours – clearly I was lacking in sleep.

Now, we shall see if tonight’s rest will help me tomorrow…

Time for some more meditation and reading, and then I shall pray for healing through sleep.

Wishing you all well,

Peace

Hannah

Post-a-day 2020

Beyond functional

Some nights, I feel that I am just beyond functional – I cannot possibly do anything here on my own to improve the current state of my brain and emotions, so it is best just to go to bed already…, even if it is barely 9pm and I didnโ€™t exactly get up until after noon today…

Yeah, today has been stressful, simple, lazy, informative, comedic, helpful; it has left me feeling a sense of helplessness, embarrassment, disappointment in myself, upsetting surprise, loneliness, physically stressed – like really physically stressed and in desperate need of human physical contact… – hopeful, useless, inefficient, unwanted, frustrated, wanted, lost for words, unhelpful, like I have wasted something, somehow…, and ready to cry…

Quite a day and night so far…

So, I think I am ready to go to sleep now, with a conscious hope and belief that tomorrow, taken on actively, can and will be significantly improved in just about every way from today.

With that, I bid you goodnight: May we all rest well tonight.

Post-a-day 2020