I have often dreamed
of a far-off place
where a great, warm welcome
will be waiting for me;
where the crowds will cheer
when they see my face,
and a voice keeps saying,
“This is where I meant to be.”
Tonight’s theme is “where I’m meant to be”.
I had a brief but important conversation with an old friend tonight… And it was scary, but necessary, if I am to be true to myself and to speak up for myself.
I shared how my reasoning for being so aloof with him lay in my experience of being unwanted, of not belonging in the crowd with him and the friends that surround him.
I shared how I am working on being the best and truest possible version of myself, and all that that entails in my life – that I want to share myself, my gifts, and my love with the world to the best of my ability.
I also shared that I kind of always assume that people don’t want me around – and I shared that that is something I’m working on for myself, to see myself as worthy of being wanted around – and that I have noticed in the past several years that, though people usually are totally okay with my being around, and they even enjoy it oftentimes, they never seem to call me first to go do something, to participate… or at all.
He understood what I meant, both logically and from experience for himself, his having been in a similar situation.
And he surprised me with the question of where do I feel wanted, that I belong and I’m loved?
Immediately, I thought of my mom, and then of my best friend….
As I searched my life, I realized that I feel that loving and safe and wanted space in the classroom, with my students.
And then, in a slightly different sense, at the gym where I go… there are groups of long-time friends there, so I don’t feel a part of those friendships, but I do feel a part of the gym community itself, and the friendship that that is – each one of us belongs there, we are happy to be there, and we are happy that everyone else is there.
Beyond that, I wasn’t too sure, and still am not.
I don’t have very many places where I feel fully wanted and loved, like I truly belong.
However, I noticed that it is nice that I spend a lot of time in those places where I do feel the love… I go to the gym up to six times a week, and I see my mom or talk with my mom almost every single day.
I am not teaching classes right now, and my best friend lives abroad and has been really busy with things, as have I, so those two don’t happen very often right now, but they are still incredibly valuable in my life.
Nonetheless, I do get to experience being wanted in someway every week… However, I am working on filling my life with people and places that help me be the best person I can be, which includes being wanted and loved by them.
And it is amazing how ever so slowly, but surely, more and more of those people keep coming into my life… Without my doing anything special – so it seems to me, anyway – these people seem attracted to me – to me – and they want to be around me, and they ask to be around me… They are the people who call me, and not someone else first.
And it is beautiful.
And I truly believe that it keeps happening more and more, because I am being more and more my true self, the person I meant to be.
🙂
All that being said, I almost didn’t share about this at all.
But, reading my book before going to sleep just now, I crossed a line in the book that expressed exactly the same thoughts as my conversation today, which is also something I was thinking about a lot yesterday… So it is a current theme in my life.
I wonder what it would be like to be embraced like that. To actually have a place where you belong.
And I totally get what she means. 🙂
Here’s to becoming each our own Hercules!
Cheers!
***First quote is from the song “Go the Distance” in the Disney film Hercules, and the second quote is from the book Children of Virtue and Vengeance by Tomi Adeyemi.***
Post-a-day 2020
hannah ananas 