Tag: work

Perfect timing: a quote

This makes perfect sense! I got so stuck in my troubles, I didn’t even think to consider that this might be the case.

Fortunately, I came across this by a crazy string of atypical steps just now, and have read it.

This is my life right now!

No wonder I feel so totally and absurdly insane… ‘How was your birthday?’… Commence practically breaking down into tears at my confusion as to how to answer… ‘It was okay, I guess…, good, even…, but I’m such a mess inside my head right now, I hardly can focus beyond this morning, let alone a few days ago, and the stress of my current brain agreements is driving me insane, and I just feel kind of worthless and a total failure about half the time right now…’

Not exactly the way to reply to such a question, right?

Anyway, it’s what has kind of happened… multiple times…

But the quote tonight has it all make sense to me suddenly, and in a way I am almost surprised I hadn’t considered already, as it is typically the kind of thing I would consider.

This was the quote I read:

Every time you embody life light, it brings up unprocessed emotions and situations that still need to be shifted from the past. We level up, then take a few steps back in order to transcend the stuck energy. You are not regressing – this is part of the growth process.

(Slight edits in punctuation were made by me.)

(Posted by M. Savino, and shared further by a friend of a friend)

Post-a-day 2020

Abs (olutely not?)

Okay, I think I need to get back on the “Hannah has a totally absurd and almost stupid diet” train again…

I’ve been kind of upset lately to varying degrees, ranging from slight annoyance to total disappointment, regarding my physical fitness.

I’ve found these gorgeously fit people, you see, and, while I love having them in my life, it has made me acutely aware of every thing I consume and of how far away I am from being anywhere near their level or the level at which I truly want to be with my own physical fitness.

Part of me just feels like it isn’t in the cards for me to be at the point I truly want… and more so in that it seems like it would take what I currently consider to be an unnatural and extreme degree of control and monitoring of every single food and beverage I consume, combined with intense and strict exercise plans at all times in my life…, than about that it isn’t physically possible.

I genuinely think it is possible to have the belly I want.

It just seems like so much work, combined with a degree of impracticality for sustaining it… and I worry I would feel even worse having obtained it and let it go than by not ever having had it…

But then…, well, isn’t that just a way to avoid doing work under the guise of something else, and is it not just a way for me to avoid putting myself in an exposed and vulnerable situation?… and in a potential amazing situation…?

As Marianne Williamson suggested, am I really just afraid of how amazing I would be, if I truly went for it?

The fact that my eyes are tearing at this last thought suggests a powerful affirmative…

I am afraid of being so spectacular and still being unloved, rejected, not good enough… at least now, at my not best, being rejected and unloved can have an excuse of my not being at my best…

But who I truly am, underneath it all and at my source as a being on this planet and in this life, that being wants me to do it, to go for it, and to be my best…

Okay… let’s do this somehow… I love you, and I know you can do it…, and so do you. 🙂

::big sigh

LFG. ❤

Post-a-day 2020

Some thoughts not wasted

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, they always said.

This morning at breakfast, I was very bummed when I asked if my food could possibly be heated, since it was served cold (and just tasted terrible cold), and I was informed first that it could be, but then told that the plate was being re-made… so wasteful…

When it was re-served only slightly warm and significantly worse made, I didn’t dare say anything about it, and instead just wrapped it up to take home for one of us to eat later, after we could warm it ourselves.

Tonight, we had some king cake after dinner, and it was far too dry for me to be interested in eating it beyond a couple bites or so.

But no one wanted to take it home to finish, and none of us had anyone at home with whom to share it anyway.

So, I was curious when I crossed a kind-looking man on a street corner during my drive home.

I rolled down my window, called out, asking him if he wanted some cake, and was delighted to see his face light up, and to hear him answer with a genuine and surprised, emphatic, “Yes!”

I handed him the box of a more than 3/4 king cake, and wished him well as he thanked me.

It made me want to go back and spend some time with the man, and I even felt bad that I didn’t give him water to go with the cake.

(I mean, it isn’t painfully dry or anything – I just really only like king cake when it is super moist on the inside.)

I considered bringing him water, actually, but then saw the absurdity of it, and left it for now… I don’t exactly have the money to be driving back and forth, anyway.

I also found myself thinking about the safety level of going and spending time with him – I often want to do this with people, homeless people typically, but have learned not so nicely that there are often chemical imbalances that can provide an unsafe environment for me if I were to go spend time with the homeless people around town… not always, but often enough to make me reconsider most of the time…, which kind of bums me out… also, I’m afraid of being stuck with really bad smells, which then sends me into a whole ‘nother level of looking for what I could do to help, and then having to manage keeping myself safe…

Anyway, the whole thing reminded me of how one of the most valuable things we have to offer in life is our attention.

People always say “time”, but I think they really mean “attention”.

I can give you an hour my time, but never once pay attention to you, versus give you ten minutes of full attention, and I think the latter will win every time for being the most appreciated.

Sure, things like laying bricks would prefer the former, but when it comes to people-to-people interactions, it is or attention that we all most desire and most need… it is through our conscious attention that we share the most love with others, not just our showing up.

Like someone said after a dance thing the other weekend – he noticed that I kept to myself and didn’t really talk with many people, but that I took genuine interest, asked real questions, and waited for real answers whenever I talked with him… I spent a lot of time on the room, making little impact on anyone, but ten minutes of talking with him directly had a huge impact on him.

I’ve kind of gone off the initial idea here, but I guess that’s how ideas work, anyway, always linking us to different connections, one after another, always and forever…

Which makes me think of brain storming… what a storm it is… debris flying every which way, leaving it difficult to find the origins of certain things, they fly so fast at times, and cross so many turns and twists in the system of the brain, in the storm…

I guess the biggest difference between a brain’s storming and nature’s storming is that the former usually gives us solutions, and the latter often gives us problems… haha… that’s funny… I’m going to continue thinking on brain storming…

Post-a-day 2020

Oh, my… stomach

I feel sick.

To my stomach, I mean it.

I might just be exhausted, now that O think about it…

Yes… I went to bed at about 4:40am last night (this morning, technically, that is), and my alarm went off before 8:00am… that means I had barely three hours of sleep.

No wonder I’m exhausted and feeling sick to my stomach… and at 11:29pm, nonetheless!

Whew!

Glad I got that figured out… I hope I did, anyway…

Whatever the case, I’ve been daydreaming tonight, this evening… I am beginning to see opportunities in my struggles, and it might turn out wonderfully, if I can pull it off… let us just see…

Post-a-day 2020

¿Por qué no los dos?

We met a lovely and true-to-form German man at the opera the other night.  He was so practical, 6’7″, very kind, and totally straightforward.  He was very docile and calm, but he was definitely German to the core, and in the most delightful of ways for us – it felt like interacting with family, despite the obvious distance between us.

He asked me at one point what I had studied while in Europe – my mom had mentioned my having studied in Wien and Germany.  I replied, “Language and Culture.”

He considered it, gave a small smile, and replied, “Language and culture… It sounds like everything and nothing.”

I considered his words, and chuckled heartily.  It was, indeed, true.

Conversation went to a bit of something else, and then returned to my studies and what “language and culture” meant.  “Grammar, history, arts, religion, social change, music, poetry, writing, dialects, politics…,” I listed easily, trailing off slightly by the end, all of us understanding that there obviously were many more I could list.

“So, it sounds like you are qualified for just about everything, then,” declared honestly the German.

I smiled.  “Everything and nothing…”  And we all smiled, gave a bit of a chuckle, and felt the irony of it together, to varying degrees.

I understood the turn of phrase best of all, having experienced most acutely the struggles of the truth of this joint statement of ours… I am qualified for just about everything, then,… everything and nothing…

Thus, the question remains: What, of all of that everything and nothing, do I choose to pursue right now, for now?

I think my recent thoughts have been accurate: I need some more art in my life – self-made art.  🙂

So, let’s art… for now… and let’s be comfortable and secure in the fact that it is okay to have this be for now, and to have something else, something presently unknown, be the what’s next…  Yes, indeed.

Everything and nothing, my dear… you can do it, Banana.  🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Today’s list

I had several things on my list for ‘want to accomplish’ today.

The first half happened beautifully.

The second half were avoided beautifully.

Instead of doing laundry and folding clothes, I rearranged a bit of furniture how I had been contemplating doing for a while now, and then I cleaned up piles of papers and such that I had had around the floor in my room.

And I organized all my paperwork and labeled it to bring to my CPA.*

It was a huge positive move, but definitely not on the list for today. 😛

I also, instead of working on the photos – I moved them to tomorrow, when I’ll be somewhere with Internet already, using my computer, and can stay a while – today, I expanded immensely the efforts I had intended to make with my Italian studies.

Until just a few minutes ago, I was working on the Italian, which was possibly the fourth time today… I even did detail work on it… and that’s saying something.

I also, instead of hopping to it on those aforementioned tasks, I got myself out of the house, down to our main park in town, and I walked.

For hours.

I even ran into a friend, and I joined her and her friend (and the friend’s daughter) for another hour plus, which started right about when I had been considering heading home.

(Suffice it to say that I walked a lot today, and it was great.)

(And I rode the park train twice… and that was lovely(!).)

All in all, I had a great day.

I even listened to a couple hours of my audiobook while cooking/eating and then walking at the park.

So much accomplished today… it feels good going to bed now, exhausted from a reason other than illness.

Not typically my style, but I would like for it to become my style.

Last week was a good start, and this week was even better… let’s keep this Sunday outdoor social activity + self-improvement stuff up, Banana. 😉

*Not that I’m bourgeais (bourgey?) or anything – I hardly have money to survive in this society at the moment; I just used to work for her, and so we have a sort of arrangement for my taxes to be handled.

Post-a-day 2020

Friday Night

Usually spent with friends in bars or clubs, or at least hanging out at someone’s house or apartment, Friday night is a busy one for adults my age…

And yet, how do I spend it?

Mostly sitting on the floor in the corner of my bedroom, next to my phone (which is plugged into the wall), listening to an audiobook that I can’t seem to stop without immense struggle…

It is that good.

And yet, it is also rather intense and somewhat frightening at times, leaving me slightly paranoid at every sound I hear around me…

But it is oh, so good…

And I have no idea why I prefer an audiobook to going out dancing, especially when I had just said at the gym this evening that I must need to go dancing, since I’ve been dancing around to all the music at the gym lately…, but perhaps it is because I don’t have to put forth any effort for it, but dancing would require social interaction, driving, physical movement in dancing, and then also money…., and reading this book is free of monetary charge….

It takes only my time and my sense of safety and ease. 😛

Anyway…, I’m super tired, so I’m going to sleep now (the only reason I could get myself to turn off the book).

And then I can get up all the earlier to listen to more of the book before going to the gym (I know, I go to the gym a lot these days, but it is part of taking care of myself). 😛

Post-a-day 2020

A change in perspective, but not in mind

Have you ever had a time where you interact with a person you’ve known for a while, but you leave the interaction seeing the person entirely differently?

And then, have you ever left the interaction ready to cry, because that person just filled every need you had emotionally, but you are ovulating, and so his stellar level of physical fitness and adorably cute persona and face and hair ended up just reminding you of the facts that 1)you don’t have someone to be your someone, and 2)you really want someone to hurry up and be there for you to be your someone?

Okay, so maybe it is more a girl thing than a guy thing, and maybe it is more a me thing than an anyone else thing…, but, as the kids are saying these days, the struggle is real.

I am not attracted to him, though I have always acknowledged his adorableness and his pristinely perfect body – that is, I do not have a romantic attraction to him… I absolutely enjoy his presence and enjoy interacting with him, because he is a great guy, but I am not trying to date him or anything.

Yet tonight, as I struggled to get through what I was doing, he encouraged me so beautifully, and in the quiet, ‘I care about you,’ kind of encouragement, combined with the, ‘I am so proud of you for all you are doing for yourself right now,’ that it just touched me to the core.

Sitting at home later, I suddenly noticed that he was in my mind, and my mind was somewhat sad – I was okay that he wasn’t the someone for me, but his having been so perfectly wonderful with me tonight just re-emphasized the fact that I do not have that someone in my life yet (not in that capacity yet, anyway), and that I so totally want someone who will be like that, so caring and loving and calm and comfortable in his encouragement and help and love for me.

Suddenly, I wonder if I am all wrong in my interests, if something more like this guy is what I really want…, and then I remember that I have always wanted someone who is like this guy in the sense of being how he was tonight with the encouragement…. but that curl to the hair is risky cute.

Not that that’s actually news, though… we’ve known that from the start. 😂

Anyway… perhaps I’ll have lovely dreams that will sort out the remaining emotional stress from this, and I’ll have moved entirely forward by tomorrow when I awaken.

🙂

Post-a-day 2020′

From scary to loved

Have you ever gone from being somewhat nervous around and afraid of someone – as in someone who feels to have (or has) authority over you in some way or other – to feeling utterly welcomed and wanted and seen as an equal by that person?…

No longer feeling yourself to be below or in debt in any way to him or her, but feeling yourself to be one of the club and on equal grounds with that someone…?

Yeah…, it’s a really cool feeling, right?

I enjoy it, anyway, and it is really cool to see how it allows me to look back on it all and see how that person was always just a person – the only real difference between then and now, aside from time, is my own attitude toward and of myself and toward and of that person.

Makes me wonder where I could go ahead and change my attitude and opinion of things and people now, so that they can turn awesome now, instead of having to wait years and years for them to work themselves out for me.

Yeah…

Anyway… goodnight!

Post-a-day 2020